Tag Archives: baby

Joaquin Phoenix’s “Cries Of Anguish” Wins The Oscar For Best Picture

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The next time you pour milk on your cereal, think of the calf who should have gotten that milk.

Hollywood, CA – As expected, Joaquin Phoenix’s movie Cries Of Anguish won the Academy Award for Best Picture.

Cries Of Anguish is a wonderful movie about cows being artificially inseminated.

Then, the cow babies are stolen from their mommy cows for the veal industry, which prompts unmistakable Cries Of Anguish.

All of the stolen milk, which should have gone to the baby cows, is taken from the mommies, only to be put into our cups of coffee and onto cereal in your cereal bowl.

Joaquin Phoenix, in his powerfully delivered acceptance speech, showed that he is no joker when it comes to pointing out the wrongful entitlement that humans feel in order to inflict such violent acts against our bovine friends.

Prince Harry And Meghan Markle Moving To Moorhead Minnesota To Live A Normal Life

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Baby Archie is looking forward to attending school in Moorhead.

Moorhead, MN – The bad news is things are not going well for Prince Harry and his wife and child while living in England.

The good news is that Harry, Meghan Markle, and their baby Archie will soon be moving to Moorhead, Minnesota in search of “a normal life”.

Prince Harry’s relationship with his brother William has devolved into an internecine war while the Duchess of Sussex is under constant negative media scrutiny in England.

Meghan Markle, who once enjoyed visiting a friend in Moorhead, decided the royal couple wants baby Archie to grow up in a nice, friendly, normal community like Moorhead.

Meghan also likes Moorhead because it doesn’t have a newspaper but does have an airport.

Prince Harry may want to build a castle in Moorhead for his family, along with a moat…with a boat.

Fargo New-Born Is Suspected Time-Traveler Based On His Post-Birth Questions

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The hospital staff is quite certain that young Evert Altmire is a legitimate time traveler.

Fargo, ND – A new-born baby who was able to speak just after birth is being treated as a bona fide, de facto, time traveler.

The baby, who was given the name Evert Altmire, surprised the doctors and nurses shortly after birth by asking: “What year is it?”

After being told the answer, young Mr. Altmire asked: “Who is president?”

After being told the second answer, Evert simply said: “Oh, crap!”

If you may possibly have any information regarding the past (or future) of Evert Altmire, please contact the hospital’s baby department.

Amazingly, all of the letters in Evert Altmire can be re-arranged to spell: Time Traveler!

First 2017 Fargo Newborn Gets A Carson Wentz Tattoo

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Carson Wentz Fenster was born at 12:01 AM and is said to be resting comfortably while watching Carson Wentz play football on TV.

Fargo, ND – The first newborn baby to be born in Fargo after the stroke of midnight on New Year’s Eve was born to Erron and Martine Fenster of rural Fargo.

The happy couple, who each have a number of tattoos, not only decided to name their boy Carson Wentz Fenster but had “Carson Wentz” tattooed on the boy’s right forearm shortly after he was born.

“We hope he will grow up to be a star quarterback in the NFL just like his namesake,” yearned Erron Fenster wishfully.

“When he gets a little older, perhaps at age one or two, we might consider giving him the option of getting a Bison or Philadelphia Eagles logo tattoo wherever he wants,” shared Martine Fenster excitedly.

But for now, young Carson Wentz Fenster and his proud parents will just sit back in their hospital room and enjoy watching the real Carson Wentz and the Eagles kick the Dallas Cowboy’s butts and also enjoy cheering on the unpredictable Minnesota Vikings as they hopefully shellack the visiting grizzly Chicago Bears.

Father’s Day Surprise: Wife Gives Birth During Rollercoaster Ride

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Born in the USA!

Sandusky, OH – To celebrate the longest day of the year, Dr. Michael Hunt and his lovely wife Susan decided to go for a fun afternoon ride on the Millennium Force rollercoaster in the Cedar Point amusement park.

This particular rollercoaster is currently the third-longest one in North America and reaches a top speed of 930 miles per hour.

Mrs. Hunt climbed aboard the Millennium Force while being eight and a half months pregnant.

As it turns out, this would be a ride that the couple (and everyone sitting behind them) would remember forever.

Somewhere between the third and fourth turns, Mrs. Hunt gave birth to an eight and a half pound healthy baby boy whom they named Millen Force Hunt.

Dr. Hunt said it’s the first-known rollercoaster birth he can ever recall.

He also says it was the best Father’s Day present he could have ever asked for and is so happy that it fell into his lap.

Dr. Fenster Helps Answer Some Baby Questions

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Maybe Baby thinks you’re stupid.

The FM Observer is proud to add another expert to our growing staff. Dr. Niles Fenster M.D. is a well-respected pediatrician with special training in teaching parents how to identify the causes of some of the problems they might be having with their baby.

We really hope these 20 tips will be helpful to some new parents with new babies. All 20 of the problems have been bolded for quick reference in case of emergency.

Dr. Niles Fenster M.D. says:

If your baby is yellow, maybe baby is jaundice because it has contracted Hepatitis A.

If your baby is turning blue, maybe baby is choking on that chicken bone you gave it to play with.

If your baby always tries to scratch your face, maybe baby doesn’t like how you look.

If your baby is fussy and you believe in reincarnation, maybe baby didn’t want to be born again.

If your baby is making repeated hand gestures, maybe baby wants you to learn sign language.

If your baby is pointing and laughing at you, maybe baby thinks you’re stupid.

If your baby seems hungry but will not eat, maybe baby thinks you’re a shitty cook.

If your baby hasn’t messed its diaper in days, maybe baby doesn’t give a crap.

If your baby has tummy trouble, maybe baby ingested some cleaning products you left out.

If your baby needs to burp a lot, maybe baby shouldn’t be drinking a bottle of sparkling champagne.

If your baby wants more stimulation, maybe baby doesn’t like living in a cardboard box.

If your baby wants less stimulation, maybe baby is freaking out from watching Nightmare On Elm Street.

If your baby won’t sleep, maybe baby has started using crystal meth.

If your baby sleeps all the time, maybe baby is clinically depressed because it hates your family.

If your baby is constantly teething, maybe baby has gingivitis and needs a root canal.

If your baby feels hot, maybe baby shouldn’t be wearing a down jacket while drinking hot cocoa.

If your baby feels cold, maybe baby has frostbite from being left outside.

If your baby wants to be held, maybe baby is afraid of the pair of pit bulls under its crib.

If your baby doesn’t want to be held, maybe baby doesn’t trust you after being dropped multiple times.

If your baby is crawling on the ceiling, maybe baby and you are trapped inside the movie Trainspotting.

Dr. Niles Fenster M.D. would be happy to hear if any of these tips have helped you and your baby. If you have other problems, please do not hesitate to contact our newest staff expert for more excellent free advice. The phone number for Dr. Fenster is: 1-800-MAYBE-BABY.

flying_baby

I Was Gonna Take My Baby Off The Roof Of My Car……But Then I Got High.

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Phoenix, AZ – Some shocking news this past week.  Catalina Clouser, 19, is facing driving and child abuse charges after her one-month-old baby fell off the roof of her car while driving away, forgetting she had put the little munchkin there.  What’s shocking is this DID NOT happen in Florida.  I know, crazy right?

Once she got home, she finally got inside and thought to herself, “the fuck is my baby?”  Upon realizing that her baby just got the ride of it’s life, she drove back to 45th Avenue and Chollas and was greeted by police who had recovered her child.  We’ve heard about people strapping their grandmothers or mother-in-laws to the roof of their cars but never a little child.  Jesus, what was she thinking!?

One lucky witness was on his way to work when he said he saw a flying baby in a car seat flying through the air.  I mean, how f’in cool would it be to see that?!  That man just won the lottery.

 

In tribute to Catalina Clouser, I have changed some of the lyrics to Afroman’s – Because I Got High song.

 

Catalina Clouser – Because I Got High

It’s Like, I don’t care about nothin man,
roll another blunt, Yea (ohh ohh ohh),

La da da da da da La, Da Daaa,
La da da da, La da da da, La da da daaa

I was gonna take my child off the roof of my car until I got high
I was gonna put him in the back seat but then I got high
my baby flew off the roof my car and I know why (why man?) yea heyy,
– cause I got high [repeat 3X]

(La da da da da da da da da)

I was gonna try to not kill my kid before I got high
I coulda remembered I actually gave birth to a child but I got high
(La da da da da da da da da)
I am taking a couple hours off from parenting and I know why, (why man?) yea heyy,
– cause I got high [repeat 3X]

(La da da da da da da da da)

I was gonna go home with my little child but then I got high
I remembered I lefty my baby on the roof of my car but I got high
now I’m driving around looking for my baby and I know why (why man?) yea heayy,
– cause I got high [repeat 3X]

(La da da da da da da da da)

I was gonna go to court before I got high
I was gonna pay to get my child back then I got high
they took my child away and I know why (why man?) yea heayy,
– cause I got high [repeat 3X]

(La da da da da da da da da)

I messed up my entire life because I got high
I lost my kid because I got high
now I’m sleeping on the sidewalk and I know why (why man?) yea heyy,
– cause I got high [repeat 3X]

(La da da da da da da da da)

I’m gonna stop singing this song because I’m high
I’m singing this whole thing wrong because I’m high
and if I dont sell one copy I know why (why man?) yea heyy,
– cause I’m high [repeat 3X]

La da da da da da, La da da da, Shoop shooby doo wop.

Get jiggy wit it, skibbidy bee bop diddy do wahhh

– cause I’m high [repeat 3X]