Tag Archives: campaign

President-Elect Joe Biden Vows To Make Hudge Fund Managers Take Extredable Cuts

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The Old Joe-ker has spoken!

Dem Aware, Delaware – After Old Joe Biden ostensibly slurred through his presidential kick-off speech, he was already considered to be the 2020 President-Elect.

To those foolable pundits who thought The Joe-ker slurred through his speech, they be wrong! Old clever Joe was simply talkin’ casual style, with a nice relaxed drawl, to put his listeners at ease. The Joe-ker was just tryin’ to be more relate-able to all the commonfolk out there!

Old Joe said he don’t want Obama to endorse him. The Joe-ker don’t even want nobody to endorse him, cuz Old Joe Biden want to do it all on his own, like a commonfolk kinda guy.

The clear front-runner of all Democratics runnin’ for president wants to do four things to better the country:
1. Old Joe promises to lead the Hate Trump bandwagon.
2. Make all those rich hudge fund managers take extredable cuts to their celery.
3. Hit the campaign trail to start listenin’ to all the commonfolk, touch their shoulders, and smell their hair.

Fargo Man Won’t Confirm Nor Deny That He’s Running For President

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Will I or won’t I? Shall I or shan’t I? These are the tough questions facing Fargo’s Rinfret Pounders.

Fargo, ND – At this time, Fargo native Rinfret Pounders will neither confirm or deny that he is planning on running for president of the United States in the next presidential election.

Speculation surrounding the 35-year-old Fargo native continues to swirl while a decision to run or not by Rinfret Pounders is still completely up in the air.

Mr. Pounders’ best friend and chief campaign strategist is Pruner Steindorf, who recently leaked:

“At this juncture, Mr. Rinfret Pounders may or may not be running for president. We are leaving all options on the table, if you will.”

Curiously, all of the letters in Rinfret Pounders and Pruner Steindorf can somehow be re-arranged to spell: Run For President!

Skittles Founder Responds To Newest Trump Campaign Metaphor

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Skittletopia, West Virginia – The founding father of one of America’s favorite candies has taken offense to this new Trump campaign musing:

Bowl of delightfuls

Bowl of delightfuls

Shortly after Donald Trump, Jr tweeted that photo, Skittles pioneer Phictor Skittle went ballistic on behalf of the small sugary candy his family invented back in the early 1940s.

“Isn’t it too bad that a basket of deplorables chose to use my tart ‘n tangy tongue treats as xenophobic fodder for the refugee movement? It pains my taste buds to say this, but you’re far more likely to die from choking on one of my fruity delights than you are to get killed by a war-torn refugee. Leave my family’s gritty gum bombs out of it.”

Phictor Skittle has formally asked the Trump4Prez camp to remove this cruel, unfair depiction from the internet out of respect for his family’s succulent legacy.

President Clinton To Hit Some Fargo Hot Spots

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I love Fargo! South Dakota is one of my favorite states.

I love Fargo! South Dakota is one of my favorite states.

Fargo, ND – President Bill Clinton somehow ended up in Fargo, North Dakota to try and drum up support for his wife’s floundering presidential campaign.

Bubba’s speaking engagement will take place in the basement of the Northern Gentlemen’s Club near famous downtown Fargo.

Clinton, who was president from 1993-2001, is expected to talk about why his wife would be the best candidate to grow government, decrease our military, and increase our national debt.

Hillary has indicated that she is considering putting Bill in charge of revitalizing the economy and also selecting and “over-seeing” all the interns who will be working at the White House during her administration.

He will also be pushing for support of his new pet program called Respect All People Equally (or RAPE, for short).

President Clinton, who was impeached in late 1998 for perjury and obstruction of justice, stopped at a local Fargo ice cream shoppe and ordered a double scoop of his two favorite flavors: Peach-Mint.