Tag Archives: cat massage

Survey Asks: Do We Really Need Domesticated Cats?

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One thing that everyone agrees on: Domesticated cats are now obsolete!

Catalina, Arizona – We recently surveyed less than a million people asking about cats as pets.

The overall consensus from our expensive and extensive survey was that domesticated cats have now become obsolete.

Case in point: Let’s take the average domesticated cat for example.

Your typical house cat has become bored, lazy, and fat.

Today’s modern couch cat goes from catatonic cat naps to over-using recreational catnip with an occasional caterwaul for more of the same.

Domesticated cats are an embarrassment to their species and are nearly unrecognizable from their ancestral progenitors.

The solution to this catastrophe is to release today’s home-bound cats out into the wild to give them a purpose again: Mouse and Vole Patrol!

In summary: Do we really still need to have domesticated cats? The answer is a categorical: NO!

Cathy’s Cat Cafe Opens In Fargo; Reviews Give It Five Meows

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Fargo’s cat cafe caters just to cats!

Fargo, ND – The new and hip trend of having restaurants specifically for our feline friends has finally come to Fargo!

Cathy’s Cat Cafe will cater to cats by offering a full catalog of favorite cat foods and fun.

Every category of toys, teasers, challenges, and scratch posts will surround your cat’s culinary experience at Cathy’s Cat Cafe.

Food specials such as catfish deglazed with catsup wine sauce will make your cat as happy as a catholic in a catacomb cathedral.

Recreational catnip will be available throughout your cat’s visit, since it is now legal in the state of North Dakota!

Older Cats Not Too Hip On Trendings Of Younger “Cool Cats”

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Young Felix gets some strong negative feedback from Mama Cat for wearing his new hip hat.

Cathead, PA – There seems to be a growing disconnect between older “establishment” cats and the new younger generation of kittens.

For example, some young kittens, like little Felix, are starting to wear hats to make themselves “look cool” and stand out.

Mama Cat ain’t too keen on Felix wearing his new hat, nor is she super hip on young Felix listening to Miles Davis jazz.

Felix’s mom, Mama Cat, likes a shallow bowl of milk while relaxing to music by Cat Stevens, and sometimes even finds herself meowing along to the musical Cats.

Conversely, young Felix often jams out to Cat Power, Pussy Cat Dolls, and Cat Empire while nibbling on sushi catfish, and sharing some recreational catnip with his “cool cat” friends.

Then when Mama Cat thinks it’s time for a restful cat nap, young Felix and his cat-nipped friends get busier than a one-eyed cat watching two mouse holes.

Selling Stolen Pets Becoming Big Business

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Your little Trixy could be sold multiple times at underground pet auctions.

Fargo, ND – More and more people in the Fargo-Moorhead area are having their pets stolen. If this isn’t bad enough, these pets are then sold multiple times at underground pet auctions, sometimes while having to wear funny costumes.

The Sheriff’s office says some of the “bad people” are claiming lost pets, getting them from the humane society, or just stealing them from running unlocked cars or out of fenced back yards.

We were able to witness an underground pet auction while wearing a Donald Trump mask. At this auction we saw one small Shih-Tzu originally named Trixy sold as Biscuits for $100, then again by that buyer as Bingo for $200, and then again by that buyer as Flex for $350.

Apparently during winter months, after a dog or cat is stolen, they are then quickly transported through a series of snow tunnels. The problem is getting so bad that some people are hiring guard dogs to protect their pets, but those too are getting stolen.

We asked the Sheriff and one of his deputies what the answer is to this pervasive problem? Their answer was, at least during the winter months, to not allow systems of snow tunnels to be built within city limits.

When learning about how wide-spread the problem is, the astounding number of pets being stolen shocked the Sheriff, but did not shock the deputy.

Area Cats Tripping On Acid

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Survey Says: Many FM-area cats are tripping on LSD.

Survey Says: Many FM-area cats are tripping on LSD.

Fargo, ND – Just as many local residents have long suspected, a recent survey has shown that many cats in the Fargo-Moorhead area are taking LSD on a daily basis.

Ms. Caramella Brandybuck of the National Feline Drug Taskforce is reporting that acid (LSD) has been pouring into our area from Minneapolis. The main kingpin drug lord responsible for the illicit trafficking has been a cat who goes by the name of Mr. Kitty (click on pic to see Mr. Kitty).

Caramella says that “Mr. Kitty and his organization have not only been bringing the drugs in, but have also set up quite an elaborate distribution network and have gotten many cats hooked on daily usage.”

If you’ve been thinking your cat has been acting abnormally odd of late, this newly available information might be very beneficial in helping spread awareness of this latest disturbing trend.

How can you tell if your cat is tripping on acid? Similar to humans, cats will sit and stare for hours with large dilated pupils, then suddenly jump sky high and totally freak out!

During acid trips, you may not see your cat(s) for daze on end. Hallucinations are very common, some of which they will try to attack as threatening phantom menaces.

If you ever try to stroke your cat while it is tripping out, or even give it a massage, and the reaction you get is not quite what you’d normally expect, your cat may very likely have its head in the clouds, while seeing you through a kaleidoscope.

Some creative cats have even learned how to scam the system and receive monthly social security checks to help finance their new-found favorite substitute for catnip.

If you think your cat is tripping on acid, please do not hesitate to call the National Feline Drug Taskforce at 1-800-CAT-TRIP.