Drink Coca-Bola!
Washington, D.C. – Amidst a rising tide of panic over the deadly ebola virus threat, the FDA has fast-tracked an experimental vaccine drink for mass public consumption.
Coca-Bola, which promises instant immunity against the horrific disease, will soon be widely available for all ages.
Individuals who don’t get the recommended daily allowance of soda in their diet are urged to drink as much of the serum as possible for maximum benefits. All other groups are advised simply, “Drink one can for every extra day you want to add to your life expectancy.”
FDA spokesperson Polly Tikker stated, “The United States government, in cooperation with the CDC, has been working nonstop to ensure the safety of our citizens against the impending armageddon of widespread ebola infection. When Coca-Cola executives stepped up and offered to join the fight for America’s health, it was a total no-brainer. Our confidence in the company was what allowed us to bypass all usual precautionary testing and just focus on saving the human race. As we say behind closed doors, when you’ve got the FDA and Coke in your corner, public health is no longer a concern.”
Since the groundbreaking formula for Coca-Bola is considered classified under the Homeland Security of Big Business Act, the FDA will not require its ingredients to be printed on labels. However, a government-sponsored ad campaign for Coca-Bola assures consumers by touting, “Drink a can of this, no bleeding orifice!” Insiders believe the slogan will be enough to erase, or at least obfuscate, any concerns about the product’s claims, side effects, or toxicity levels.
For more information, visit:
www.coca-bola.org/itsgoodforyou/sucker/oops/noreally/youcantrustus
