Tag Archives: grope

Mall Santa Resigns After Multiple Accusations Of Groping

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Santa is asking his attorney: “Since when did groping become so politically incorrect?” Santa’s also wondering: “Why doesn’t anyone want to come near me?”

Fargo, ND – One of the real fake Santas at a well-known local Fargo shopping mall has resigned amid numerous accusations of groping any women within a “reasonable groping distance”.

Some disgusted mothers and dejected helper-elves have filed complaints to the North Pole that Santa has been groping some of these adult women during official mall photos, and even during some of Santa’s own selfies and elfies.

Renta Santa, the company from whence the mall allegedly hired this Santa, has denied any legal culpability but did say that this particular Santa had once been a Minnesota state senator who had left the arena of politics due to some “inappropriate sexual behavior”.

A linguistics expert that we consulted with said that the term “Mall” will soon no longer be politically correct because it is homonymistically so very similar to the word “Maul”.

Al Franken Dedicates New Center For Groping

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Al Franken’s Center For Groping will be a place where he can do his work.

St. Paul, MN – Yesterday Senator Al Franken proudly dedicated his new Center For Groping, which is conveniently located near the Minnesota State Fair grounds.

At the dedication ceremony, when asked about all the recent groping accusations, Senator Franken cleverly said: “Well, once a comedian, always a comedian. Hey, I was just joking around and having a little fun!”

The alleged groper went on to sincerely apologize to all the women that he has not yet groped, which was a nice segue into the official dedication ceremony for his new Center For Groping.

One Franken fan noted that since Senator Al Franken was a wrestler in high school at The Blake School, he has essentially gone from being a grappler to a groper.

Woman Claims Woodrow Wilson Touched Her Inappropriately During White House Visit

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President Woodrow Wilson allegedly groped a female visitor at White House.

Touchet, WA – A recently deceased woman claims that she was groped by then President Woodrow Wilson whilst she was on a group tour of the White House.

Ms. Gerda Powis of Touchet, Washington wrote in her detailed memoirs that instead of a group tour, it turns out she was on a “grope tour” after she somehow ended up in the Oval Office alone with President Woodrow Wilson who was only wearing a robe.

“He groped me and proceeded to touch me inappropriately against my will when I was just a young woman,” claims Ms. Powis who lived to the ripe old age of 109.

The Woodrow Wilson Administration was not available for comment however we’re assuming they deny the entire story and brush it off as being just more poppycock fake news.

Ironically, all of the letters in Gerda Powis can be lovingly re-arranged to spell: I Was Groped!

Republican National Committee To Replace Donald Trump With Broomstick

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Potential GOP Presidential Nominee

Better option than Trump?

Washington, DC – At this hour, the Republican backpedal is spinning at over 6 million revolutions per second as the GOP scrambles to find a replacement for noted gropesmith Donald Trump. 

Reince Preibus was forced to remark on the possibility of extracting the Donald from state ballots prior to the November election. “We are evaluating every avenue and all options like we always have been and will continue to, do you see? The inevitability of a slender, stoic, hardline, bristly straight-sweeper with perfect hair that stands tall running for office is in the realm of potential, alrighty then?”

It sounds to the Observer like the Republican National Committee is efforting a broomstick as a last-minute replacement for Donald Trump. The broomstick is slender, stoic, hard, bristly and sweeps straight if you aim it in the right direction. It is a great tool that can clean up Washington without getting caught musing over sexual assault ardor.

The time is now for Reince to act. With yet another Presidential debate looming, perhaps the RNC will trot out a secret weapon to avoid the embarrassment of another Donaldism.