Tag Archives: mall

Shoplifter Sentenced To Twenty Years At The West Acres Mall

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Just imagine having to spend 20 years in the West Acres Mall…without ever leaving!

Fargo, ND – A chronic shoplifter who recently was caught stealing twenty items from the West Acres Mall has been given an unusual sentence for her crime.

A creative judge has handed Hope Flirts a punishment of twenty consecutive years of confinement in the West Acres Mall.

Hope in her own words: “Well, what the hell? Quite frankly, I would rather spend twenty years in a normal prison than be stuck in the fricking West Acres Mall for twenty fracking years! Do you know what I’m saying?”

Ms. Flirts who is now 45 years old will not be allowed to physically leave the West Acres Mall until she is ready to retire at the ripe old age of 65.

If she is caught stealing just one item during the next 20 years, she will then be invited to finish out the remainder of her sentence at Alcatraz.

Ironically, all the letters in Hope Flirts can be re-arranged to spell: Shoplifter!

Mall Santa Resigns After Multiple Accusations Of Groping

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Santa is asking his attorney: “Since when did groping become so politically incorrect?” Santa’s also wondering: “Why doesn’t anyone want to come near me?”

Fargo, ND – One of the real fake Santas at a well-known local Fargo shopping mall has resigned amid numerous accusations of groping any women within a “reasonable groping distance”.

Some disgusted mothers and dejected helper-elves have filed complaints to the North Pole that Santa has been groping some of these adult women during official mall photos, and even during some of Santa’s own selfies and elfies.

Renta Santa, the company from whence the mall allegedly hired this Santa, has denied any legal culpability but did say that this particular Santa had once been a Minnesota state senator who had left the arena of politics due to some “inappropriate sexual behavior”.

A linguistics expert that we consulted with said that the term “Mall” will soon no longer be politically correct because it is homonymistically so very similar to the word “Maul”.

Hatchimal Hoarders Selling This Year’s Hot Items Out Of Their Basement

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These two brothers bought up all the Hatchimals in the Fargo-Moorhead area prior to Black Friday Matters.

These two brothers bought up all the Hatchimals in the greater Fargo-Moorhead area prior to Black Friday Matters.

Fargo, ND – The Good News is: There is no shortage of Hatchimals in the FM Observer area.

The Bad News is: If you want this year’s hottest Christmas item, you will have to pay a pretty penny to the two brothers who bought up all the Hatchimals that came into the Red River Valley.

Brothers Mario and Dario Jurkovich had the foresight to quickly buy up all the Hatchimals from all the stores in the Fargo-Moorhead area.

The Jurkovich brothers estimate that they have 3,500 Hatchimals currently in their basement.

This pair of Hatchimal Hoarders are now selling individual Hatchimals to desperate parents and grandparents for $500 each. :o)

However, their Black Friday Matters special is two Hatchimals for only $999!

To avoid long lines of people at their front door, wishful buyers must first call them and then follow a series of clues that will lead customers to a secret kiosk where Mario and Dario are selling their super supply of Hatchimals.

So, Happy Hanukkah Holiday Hatchimal Hoarder Hunting!

West Acres Mall Stolen By Man Dressed As Security Guard

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Forensic photographers capture images of the crime scene where West Acres Mall was stolen.

Forensic photographers capture images of the crime scene where West Acres Mall was allegedly stolen.

Fargo, ND – The West Acres Mall was allegedly “stolen” during the night but investigators on the scene are still only using the phrase “temporarily missing”.

Unfortunately, police do not have the luxury of looking at any good security camera footage because that was also stolen, along with the entire mall.

By cleverly monitoring Facebook chatter, officials believe they are looking for a former mall security officer named S. Rae Hickok because of his claim on social media: “I just stole the West Acres Mall!”

Needless to say, West Acres Mall will be closed today and until this crime is solved.

In the meantime, if you have any information about this case or if you happen see the West Acres Mall somewhere, please call your local authorities immediately for a possible reward.