Tag Archives: meth

Other States Envious Of South Dakota’s Clever New Meth Slogan

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In South Dakota, there are lots of great places and great spaces…to make meth.

Methadone, SD – The rest of the country was immediately jealous after South Dakota recently unveiled its incredible new state slogan: Meth–We’re On It!

This extraordinarily catchy phrase was the result of extremely long brainstorming binges followed by much tweaking and re-tweaking until South Dakota finally got it right.

If you’re curious, here are some of the other great slogans that South Dakota came up with, which unfortunately did not make the final cut:

All roads in South Dakota lead to meth.
Prometheus loves South Dakota!
South Dakota doesn’t meth around.
L E T   M E   T H I N K
Our favorite stone is Amethyst.
Don’t say yeth to meth.
Methamatics is all about numbers.
South Dakota is tweaking its methodology.
Come visit South Meth-kota!
There’s a method to our madness.
Avoid death. Avoid meth. Avoid South Dakota.
South Dakota’s in a hell of a meth.
Today methinks. Yesterday methought.
Methodists worship South Dakota.
There’s something about South Dakota.
Join us for lunch in our meth hall.
Our new name is Meth Dakota.
Why does meth rhyme with death?
We teach meth in our skools.
Don’t meth up your life like we did.
We’re cracking our meth problem.
Help us save Planet Meth.
Mind over meth matters.
We won’t sleep till we solve our meth problem.
Meth can make your mind go South.
Say yeth to not doing any more meth.
Do you mind if we meth around?
South Dakota: Great meth. Grave death.

Moorhead Couple Caught With 800 Pounds Of Qiameth Worth An Estimated $2.4 Billion

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Qiameth is a thousand times more powerful than meth, keeping users up for months instead of days.

Moorhead, MN – Police in the quirky town of Moorhead were very surprised to find 800 pounds of Qiameth in the trunk of a car that they found parked at a stop sign.

The Qiameth, which is known to be 1,000 times more powerful than regular meth, has an estimated street value of $2.4 Billion.

The driver and passenger, who both looked like zombies because they had not slept in months, admittedly said they thought it was OK to park at the stop sign but swore they did not have a clue as to how the $2.4 Billion worth of Qiameth got into their trunk, along with some used meth pipes and coloring books.

Moorhead police are calling this the largest drug bust in our nation’s history and are asking citizens to report any unusual behavior to the new hotline: 1-800-QIAMETH.

Jeana marie smart

Jeana Marie Smart Speaks Out

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Jeana marie smart

I was dressed as a pumpkin.

Fargo, ND – Jeana Marie Smart, a Horace woman, was recently charged with felony drug possession for having a broken meth pipe in her vagina.

The story is so bizarre we had to get an interview and an explanation.  There are always two sides to a story so today I had the chance to speak with Jeana in her jail cell.

You may see my interview in its entirety below.

 

 

 

Bill:  Jeana, first, how is your vagina doing?

Jeana:  It’s doing great.  I wiped the blood up and gave it a good wash.  Really got in there this time.

Bill:  So no more pieces of meth pipe in the vag?

Jeana:  None.  At least I think I got all of it.

Bill:  So, everyone wants to know.  Why did you have a broken meth pipe hidden in your piss flaps?

Jeana:  Well the funny thing is, on Halloween, I dressed as a pumpkin on meth.  You can tell by my hair.  I was at a party and you know how those go.  Next thing you know I have a meth pipe in my meat wallet.  I got so drunk that night that I TOTALLY FORGOT about it.  That is, until the police found it.

Bill:  Did you say you’re sorry to your muff?  It must have been quite a traumatic experience for it, don’t you think?

Jeana:  Oh yea.  I’ve apologized over and over again to it.  It’s still ignoring me a little bit but it’s opening up to me slowly.  I just need to give it time.

Bill:  Alright Jeana.  Thank you so much for you time.  Just my advice but try not to stick anything else up there ok?  It needs it’s space.

 

So there you go.  I was able to answer all your questions.  This story is no longer a mystery.  Somehow a meth pipe got put into her vagina on Halloween and she simply forgot about it.  Her defense is most likely to use this story.

Meth Revealed To Be Totally Awesome In Small Doses

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methFargo, ND—A recent study concludes that methamphetamine, the horribly corrosive and addictive narcotic, is said to be “totally awesome” in small doses.

Researchers at the Fargo Institute of Technology (FIT) conducted internal field studies using meth they obtained “discreetly” and have determined it can be used “sporadically” with very positive results.

“Methamphetamine, or “meth” as it is commonly called, can be synthesized using over-the-counter medications and if consumed at the proper frequency, can really energize a person, thus making them drastically happier and more productive.” FIT said in a report released today. It went on to say that “Meth is much more powerful than caffeine, and if used on an infrequent basis in a controlled environment it can and does produce overwhelmingly powerful results.”

The proper frequency is stated to be “less than once per hour, on an as-needed basis” in order to control addiction. If used in this frequency, meth is reported by FIT to be “totally fucking awesome” and “kicks ass dude you wouldn’t believe it.”

Former Small Town Drug Dealer Living Big City Dream

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Livin’ the dream!

Mapleton, ND—Who said you had to be asleep to live the American dream? That’s baloney! A small-town meth dealer from Mapleton, North Dakota who goes by the street name “Bizznatch” has taken his talents to Minneapolis to pursue his dreams of becoming a drug kingpin.

Bizznatch started his underground meth ring during the early 2000s via a homemade meth lab built in his deadbeat parents’ garage. It was a fly-by-night operation at first. Bizz started pushing one rock here and two rocks there, but as word got out about his penchant for dope slangin’, business picked up. That’s when he knew he really had something to offer.

“I learned math in high school and always had a salesman mentality.” he states. These skills are a valuable commodity in the world of drug dealing. “I trusted nobody and kept my head on a swivel, always looking over my shoulder. You gotta be paranoid in this business.”

His homeboys always knew Bizznatch had what it takes to hit the big time. “Bizz never took no shit from nobody. He always on top of his game.” said his homie C-Slaw. “He slang the rocks like no other.”

Bizznatch soon moved out of his parents’ garage and into his own shitty, run-down meth trailer on the outskirts of town. It was there that he started proliferating his empire.

“I made some real business connections. Loads of cash started coming in. My operation outgrew my meth shack in a hurry. That’s when I knew my 8 cell phones, 47 security cameras, 5,000 pet spiders and I would have to move on.”

meth

toxic rock

Bizznatch loaded up his windowless van and headed east to Minneapolis in 2011. He set up shop in a downtown-area loft and hasn’t moved since. No…seriously. He hasn’t been outside in over two years. Nowadays, he remotely manages a legion of cookers and street pushers via a series of cryptic text messages while the jack continues to roll in. Life is good. He looks back fondly on his early days and says he’ll never forget where he came from.

“Starting out small like that really keeps a drug lord humble. I still remember my first meth sore like it was yesterday…cooking rocks and huffing formaldehyde in my dad’s garage. Man, what a ride.”

List: Top 10 Things to Do In Fargo During Winter

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Downtown Fargo In The Winter

*sigh*

Fargo, ND – Guess what? Acutally, don’t bother guessing. We all know because we all dread it. That’s right–winter’s here! You can literally feel your guts seize up each time you step outside. Temps across the region have dropped faster and farther than a Walmart rollback. Always the low temp. Always.

That being said, the Observer has compiled a short to-do list for the coming months in an effort to help everyone cope. Here are some fun winter activities to get you through the season:

 

 

  1. GO TO MCDONALD’S- There are 8, count ’em, 8 McDonald’s restaurants in the F-M area. This strikes me as an unnecessarily high McD’s-per-capita ratio. Compare that with only two Noodles & Co., and ZERO Tokyo Joe’s. To get a better feel for how overpopulated McDonald’s restaurants are, try this: go outside right now, turn in the direction of the nearest McDonald’s and throw a rock as hard as you can. I bet you’ll hit it.
  2. DRIVE ON THE ICE- The Earth literally turns into an ice rink here in the winter. Once the snow falls, it gets compacted into a sheet of frozen tundra that has zero chance of melting until maybe April. This makes for some exciting adventures out on the streets! Bumper cars, doing donuts in any open parking lot or getting hammered and ruining some lives all become viable options when out and about in your vehicle.
  3. NOTHING- Chances are you’re afraid of the creeping death waiting for you right outside your front door. The odds of catching pneumonia and/or frostbite after leaving the house are a solid 2 to 1 (in layman’s terms, pretty much a sure thing). So what does that leave you with? Literally nothing. Survive off of what you have indoors–just don’t bother leaving the house for fear of dying due to the wind chill factor being stuck at -50 degrees Fahrenheit all hours of the day. But, if you’re feeling brave, continue to #4 on our list…
  4. TEMPT FATE- Think you’ve got what it takes to stay alive? Go outside then. I dare you. Put Old Man Winter’s abilities to the test. But before you do, pray to the good Lord in the sky that you don’t slip on the frozen tundra, fall and break your hip because if you don’t have someone there within 5 minutes to help you into your car/house, you’re a goner. Nice knowing you.
  5. BLOG ABOUT WINTER- You have a couch? Internet access? Great! Then you can tell the internet how much you despise winter. Visit twitter.com, facebook.com, tumblr.com or the comment section of this article and jam away on that keyboard. Let your fingers go numb from an activity other than contracting frostbite. Vent your frustrations to anyone and everyone willing to hear them because dammit, you have a voice!
  6. HAVE SEX- I honestly cannot think of a better way to keep warm than rubbing your body against someone else’s. Get out there right away and find a sex partner before it gets too cold out. Trust me on this. I don’t care whether you go bareback or not–that’s your call. Anyway, here’s why: a furious makeout sesh will create friction. Friction creates heat. Heat is absolutely vital to staying alive during the winter season. It makes perfect sense! I would make a run at having intercourse at least twice per hour during winter. Just saying.
  7. EXERCISE- Did you plan on hibernating this winter? Don’t! That raises the likelihood of freezing to death. Statistics say the more active you are, the warmer you will be. I would say join a local fitness center, but that would require leaving the house. Not smart. Instead, find an in-home workout routine that’s right for you. Stretch the limits of your body. Do it for your own personal wellness, but more importantly, to survive.
  8. VIDEO GAMES- Ever heard of a little game called Grand Theft Auto? I bet you have. It’s a brilliantly engineered Playstation/Xbox game that puts you in the shoes of a deranged criminal. You can steal cars and gun down pretty much anybody you see walking the streets, not to mention all the other felonies you get to perpetrate. Wrap yourself in 80 blankets, shut off the cell phone and whittle the hours away terrorizing the mean streets of “Los Santos”. Buy GTA V if you don’t have it. The game is so addicting, you’ll be old and decrepit by the time you’re sick of it.Trevor-GTAV-BurningCar
  9. METH- Maybe you’re one of those self-destructive types who loves to gamble on your life? If Breaking Bad has taught us anything, it’s that meth is badass. You can add meth to your daily routine and accomplish nearly double the amount of tasks you used to (since sleep has now become an afterthought). Be warned, however–meth use comes with some very life-altering and dangerous side-effects. Schizophrenia being one of the funnest!
  10. SNOWMOBILE- A winter activity that is performed outside and is enjoyable?? Sign me up! Oh, wait…it’s 4,000 degrees below zero. Nevermind. But you can go right ahead! It’s like taking a jet ski on land. Dashing through the snow on a motorized sled might not be a bad time as long as you can fit 27 layers of clothing on and still manage to grip the handle bars. Best of luck with that.

Well, there you have it. I’ve given you plenty to work with this year. The list is yours–please use it. Have as much fun as you can before the river floods next spring!