Tag Archives: milk

Joaquin Phoenix’s “Cries Of Anguish” Wins The Oscar For Best Picture

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The next time you pour milk on your cereal, think of the calf who should have gotten that milk.

Hollywood, CA – As expected, Joaquin Phoenix’s movie Cries Of Anguish won the Academy Award for Best Picture.

Cries Of Anguish is a wonderful movie about cows being artificially inseminated.

Then, the cow babies are stolen from their mommy cows for the veal industry, which prompts unmistakable Cries Of Anguish.

All of the stolen milk, which should have gone to the baby cows, is taken from the mommies, only to be put into our cups of coffee and onto cereal in your cereal bowl.

Joaquin Phoenix, in his powerfully delivered acceptance speech, showed that he is no joker when it comes to pointing out the wrongful entitlement that humans feel in order to inflict such violent acts against our bovine friends.

Man Who’s Half Goat To Marry Half-Goat Woman: Said To Make A Great Couple!

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Half-goat couple planning on raising a few kids on their very own goat farm.

Moorhead, MN – The quirky little American town that invented the Dilly Bar will soon have another first.

Mr. Billy Goat, who is self-described as being half man and half goat will soon join in marital wedlock with Ms. Fauna Capra, who is similarly also half goat.

For their wedding ceremony, both are expected to wear cashmere coats since they are both half cashmere goats.

Once legally joined together as a tribe and add a few kids, they plan on getting the flock out of here and moving to a small goat farm in rural Minnesota where they can nibble on some sweet alfalfa and tasty shrubs.

For income, besides selling their cashmere wool at premium prices, they also plan on marketing their own hircine line of goat milk and goat cheese.

“Gray Stray Cat Virus” Now Infecting Some Home Computers

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Say hello to your new computer virus!

Cathead, Pennsylvania – A new computer virus called the Gray Stray Cat is on the prowl.

It silently lurks in waiting until unsuspecting computer users let down their guards.

How will you know if you have the Gray Stray Cat virus?

Oh, you’ll know! It will periodically pop its head up whilst giving you a nice long me-e-eow. Just be happy you didn’t get the barking dog virus!

How can you make it go away?

Stop giving it milk and then hire a computer-wise fourth grader from your neighborhood to carefully remove it from your infected computer.

Cow

Man Sentenced To 75 Years In Prison For Stealing Neighbors Cow

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CowMaza, ND – A man was sentenced to 75 years in prison this past Wednesday for stealing his neighbors cow.

Jim Benson, a local dairy farmer (whom Bill Burns worked for before joining the FM Observer), was arrested last week and charged with theft of property.

The property?  A cow.

Cops state that Mr. Benson dressed as a cow, “pranced” over to his neighbors cow barn late at night and stole their most milk producing cow, Betty.

Mr. Benson stated that he just needed some milk and that was all.  He will be eligible for parole in 10 years.

When asked if it was worth it he said, “Absolutely not. I should have just gone to the store for milk.”