After years of financial prosperity, citizens of Edina, Minn. are worried their flatulence is failing to produce any odor.
Edina, an inner-ring suburb of Minneapolis, is among the wealthiest cities in Minnesota with a median household income of over $75 thousand. In fact, the name Edina is derived from an Ojibwe expression meaning “children who do nothing but get everything.” While many residents enjoy living in large houses, driving expensive cars and participating in youth hockey politics, a few brave housewives revealed that cake-eater life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
“I grew up in Edina and moved back here after I met my husband and dropped out of college,” Edina housewife Trisha Grant said. “But as the years passed I noticed that my toots didn’t smell anymore. It was great at first, but soon my party guests were leaving unexpectedly and I started to worry.”
Grant claims that on several occasions her dinner party guests left after she let loose a fart that shouldn’t have smelled at all. While the Grant family swears no odor was released, the guests insist that the house smelled like boiled oysters.
“It was like a combination of a used Band-Aid, kerosene and dog breath,” Grant’s friend Tim Shorton claimed. “The only thing grosser than the fart itself was the fact that Trisha didn’t seem to smell it at all. And then she went around pouring wine at the table and crop dusted everyone. I know it was rude, but I had to leave or I was going to throw up.”
Proctologist Andrew Phrochno claims that Grant’s case is concurrent with other Edina residents. Several people have complained that even after eating ethnic food, such as Korean, Ethiopian and Thai, their flatulence has not produced any odor at all.
“It’s just weird,” local housewife Natalie Danzak said. “I had eggs for breakfast, Chinese for lunch and a whole mess of beans and corndogs for dinner. But later on, after I tooted, nobody in my family seemed to notice the smell.”
After a 13-year study, Phrochno noticed a correlation between average household income and sensitivity to gastronomical odors.
“Based on my research, it seems that people, especially housewives, living in households that earn more than $150 thousand per year are 90 percent less likely to smell their own farts,” said Phrochno.
The research shows that there is an exponential correlation between average income and sensitivity to flatulent odors. While low-income families remain exceedingly sensitive to fart-smells, high-income families are seemingly immune to the smell of human gas.
“It’s confusing and arousing,” said Phrochno. “I believe this correlation can be attributed to Darwinism, but I would need Darwin himself to explain what is going on.
“Further, it seems like high-income family members aggressively seek out the smell of their own poots and are consistently denied satisfaction. However, low-income families tend to avoid butt-toot smells, but end up sniffing them anyway. It just doesn’t make sense at this point.”
While Phrochno’s research progresses, Edina residents continue to suffer with the inability to smell their own farts.
“It’s about the children at this point,” Danzak said. “I’m afraid that my kids will grow up without knowing their own scent. I’m not political, but I can’t help but blame Obama for this disaster.”
