Tag Archives: mitt romney

After Trump Converts To Mormonism, He Plans To Add Another First Lady

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The awkward moment when the First Lady learned she might play Second Fiddle.

Washington, DC – It has somehow been leaked that President Trump may soon use an executive order to add another First Lady to the White House after his anticipated upcoming conversion from Presbyterian to Mormonism.

Now we know what all the meetings with Mitt Romney were about. Mormons allow polygamy which would fly in the face of conventional past presidential protocol but President Trump has already been full of surprises.

Many suspect that this may be why First Lady Melania Trump has indicated that she will continue living in Trump Tower so that Donald’s additional wife (or wives) can call the White House home and thus reduce the chances of any cat fights (which would actually make for great ratings on the new White House reality show).

Sunday morning pundits are already wondering if a president’s second wife would be called Second Lady or perhaps First Lady 2.0, and so on, and so forth.

Mitt Romney Doing “Just Fine” After Losing Election

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Mitt-Romney-Political-Cyborg2San Diego, CA – The 2012 Presidential election lived up to the hype as one of the more polarizing elections in political history. The ups and downs of debating, campaigning, gaffing, 47%-ing, and polling helped create some of the most entertaining democracy of all time. Business as usual will continue for President Obama, but the Observer was left to wonder how Mitt Romney is coping after the election.

 

The Observer caught up with the former Republican nominee at his home in San Diego for a little one-on-one…

FM Observer: Hello, Governor Romney. Thanks for taking the time to sit down with me.

Mitt Romney: Oh, ha ha. You’re welcome. You can call me Mittledon.

FMO: Mittledon?

MR: Yes, Mittledon. It is my given name.

FMO: Ok…Mittledon… Thank you for having me. Now that the campaigning and election hoopla is over, how are you and the Mrs. spending your time these days?

MR: Ann and I are fine. We have been fine and will be. Ann enjoys to snippet pictures of reasonably-priced goods from newspaper mailings. I have taken up the hobby of the reading of web publications.

FMO: So, Ann clips coupons and you are an internet addict? Is that accurate?

MR: Yes, completely.

FMO: Hm. Lovely. Is this retirement? Are you effectively retired from your work as a politician?

MR: Ha ha, not entirely! I will still consult for the office of Massachusetts Governor as a private consultant. Ann with her charitable work. I also spend time with my many children, Tagg, Batt, Rigg, Mock, and Fudd.

FMO: Are your children getting into politics?

MR: They are not.

FMO: (confused)…uh…ok. So, tell me, your work as a private investor has proven to be a very successful venture. Do you have any advice for young people who want to get into investing?

MR: Certainly. I would tell them to make smart decisions for the good of the company you are investing for. Money is a tool, and a very valuable one. The more tools a company has, the more prepared it is to function in an American society. Get your tools, polish them, center them and use them to help the business. Would you like to see my tool collection?

FMO: Yes.

MR: (Mittledon leads me into his master bedroom. In it, I am shown a king-sized bed constructed out of laminated $100 bills. It is magnificent.) This is how Ann and I keep our bed at night.

FMO: Jesus…it’s…breathtaking.

MR: I know, it is. I have one just like it back home in Boston. The mattress is stuffed with a mixture of shredded $100 bills and Orca whale blubber. The softest, richest mattress the planet has ever known.

FMO: This is just fantastic. You’ve done very well for yourself, Mittledon.

MR: Ann and I thank you for saying so. (We leave the bedroom)

FMO: So what’s next for Mitt Romney? Do you have a 5-year plan in mind?

MR: Ann and I will take our time deciding. I suspect I will be called upon to assist with various aspects of political prowess for the Republican party. If so, that is fine. If not, there may certainly come a time in which I will be asked to donate my body to science. Would you like to ask a follow-up question to that statement?

FMO: (confused again) Um…sure. (long pause)…Why would you consider donating your body to science, Mittledon?

MR: I am comprised of a fusion of mechanic microorganisms and people flesh. There was an experiment done many years ago, well ahead of its time. I am the result of that experiment. Ha ha, but the details of that experiment are for another time. Ann and I thank you, you should go now.

FMO: (I lock eyes with Mittledon. I notice a very rapid quivering of his pupils.) Ok, Mr. Romney I thank you for the opportunity! 

MR: You. Are welcome.

Walmart Blamed For Mitt Romney Loss Election 2012

Romney Loses By Landslide. Walmart To Blame.

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Washington, DC – The presidential election is finally over.  Obama wins by a landslide and will continue on being President of the United States for another 4 years.  However, new reports are coming in as to why Romney lost by such a landslide and Walmart is being blamed.

It is being reported that thousands upon thousands of stupid uneducated voters flocked to area Walmarts thinking that each and every one was an election polling station.  Some residents even drove hours upon hours to the closest Walmart only to find out that it was indeed NOT a polling station.  Walmart might offer everything, but not voting booths.

Once inside, voters went irate after learning that there were indeed no polling stations.  Trampling occurred like that you see on Black Fridays and multiple people have been hurt.  Two people reportedly shot.  However, this quickly passed as they realized they were in Walmart and could get 50 photo sticker prints printed of their ugly and repulsive baby for ONLY $3!!  What a deal!

Without all of these votes, no one will know if Mitt Romney could have won or how much more Obama would’ve beat Romney.

During the next election, Walmart plans on putting up 50ft tall bright neon signs stating that Walmart IS NOT A POLLING STATION in all Walmart locations.

Official Mitt Romney Press Release

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Boston, MA – With the presidential campaign in full swing, Mitt Romney has made very significant strides as the Republican front-runner. He and his running mate Paul Ryan have made their share of gaffes, and yet they trudge on. Next up on the strategery list: the Romney camp has released a statement written by Mitt himself. We bring it to you verbatim, word-for-word:

What a wild ride it has begun so far. My campaign and my family have been working very hard on a considerable campaign. We have traveled the nation, listening to stories about possible voters and undecided voters and what they really need from our Government. Now, as you all know, there has been much skepulation regarding my tax formations. Let me just say this. I have pain taxes in every year of my income. My releases have been released. So now there is no mystery suspicion. We can move on. I am eager to fulfill my guarantee of jobs in my Presidency. The Romney Presidency will have jobs in 2013. This I can guarantee. President Brock Obama has led this country in the wrong path for the last 4 years. Now it’s my turn to lead this path. This is where the men become the boys. Join me, won’t you?

This seems to us like the Romney camp is making well-timed attempt at damage control following this week’s rocky, seemingly fact-less debate performance. That, coupled with this statement of clarification is all part of a larger effort to get this campaign back on the rails. Best of luck to you, Mitt, and may the best man win.