Tag Archives: money

Dr. Finance Explains Negative Interest

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Dr. Finance knows money. That’s why his latest book is called ‘Know Money’.

Green Bank, NJ – Dr. Finance is back by popular demand to answer another money question from one of our smarter readers.

Ms. Evette Ragsdale from Square Butte, Montana asks: Dear Dr. Finance, On a local radio talk-show, a financial expert mentioned the term “Negative Interest”. Could you please explain what this means? Thanks, Evette

Dr. Finance: Thank you, Evette, for that interesting question.

1. The term “Negative Interest” was first coined when scientists in the lab noticed that positive ions were only interested in attracting negative ions to be their life-long spousemates.

2. Later, movie-maker Woody Allen made the term a household phrase in one of his earlier movies when he was not invited up to a woman’s apartment at the end of their first date, because she had “Negative Interest” in pursuing a relationship with him because of his quirkiness.

3. More recently however, that same phrase is being applied by large banks which used to happily help a youngster open a savings account with the coins in their piggy bank. Since it’s usually such a small amount of money, the banks have “Negative Interest” in helping smaller investors because they would rather spend their time helping rich people like Rachel Maddow, who makes seven million dollars a year.

If you have a money question for Dr. Finance, please mail it in a green envelope along with at least $100 cash (for shipping and handling) to the FM Observer, attention Dr. Finance.

Caitlyn Jenner On New $10 ‘Hero Bill’

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$10 soon to be worth more than $10

$10 bill soon to be worth more than $10

Washington, DC – After becoming a national hero to most Americans, the Federal Reserve has proudly announced that Caitlyn Jenner will soon be appearing on the new $10 bills.

It is already being called the “Hero Bill” since Caitlyn Jenner recently won the Arthur Ashe Courage Award at the ESPY award show amidst thunderous applause from all those present, except for Brett Favre.

Federal Reserve Chairman Janet Yellen said that she hopes by putting hero Caitlyn Jenner on the new $10 Hero Bill, there will be much more acceptance and understanding for those who are, or are becoming transjenner.

You will soon be able to get the new $10 Hero Bills at any bank, but each one will cost $15 because of such high demand.

Dr. Finance: What To Do With Too Much Money

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Never fear, Dr. Finance is here!

Money Creek, Illinois – Dr. Finance is back with another excellent reader-submitted question:

Dear Dr. Finance: My husband and I feel like we have way too much money.

What should we do to make us feel better about ourselves?

Sincerely, Mimi Gladstone

Dear Mimi, from Money Creek:

Thank you for your great question.

This is one I get a lot because of our robust economy.

Mimi, here are 20 recommendations for you and your husband if you feel you have too much money:

1. When dining out, increase your tippage (for example: on a meal that costs $50, tip $500).
2. Get 1,000 Randy Moss autographs at $84 per autograph.
3. Pay all your local TV weather forecasters to wear bright green clothing during their weather reports.
4. Start your very own NASCAR team.
5. Announce free drinks all night at a biker bar and secretly videotape the whole thing for YouTube.
6. Get addicted to eating White Truffles.
7. Buy and give a Pembroke Welsh Corgi to every person who lives near people you don’t like.
8. Sponsor nation-wide treasure hunts and give clues during paid infomercials.
9. Build your own Space Station as a nice little get-away.
10. Join multiple churches just before they begin their annual Stewardship Drives.
11. Invest in Amtrak or the United States Postal Service.
12. Call the IRS and tell them the income on your last 3 years of tax filings was grossly undereported.
13. Declare your candidancy for President of the United States and run an aggressive campaign.
14. Start your own bank and provide high-risk loans.
15. Help pay off part of the US National Debt which is over $18 Trillion.
16. Consider becoming part owner of the Dallas Cowboys.
17. Over your town, do a helicopter fly-over drop of $100 bills every weekend, like The Joker did in Batman.
18. Go shopping at your local mall and ask the Mall Manager how much for the whole place.
19. Hire Beyoncé to sing at your next birthday parties.
20. Put your money into a Living Trust and name me as the beneficiary.

Bags Of Money Hidden All Over The FM Area

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Look for bags of money secretly hidden throughout the Fargo/Moorhead/West Fargo area!

Fargo, ND – Have you ever dreamt of finding a bag full of money? Could you and your family use some extra cash before the holiday season rolls around? Do you like searching for hidden treasures?

An unnamed benefactor who wishes to remain anonymous (but who loves the movie Fargo) wants to hide bags of cash all around the Fargo area for some lucky beneficiaries to find.

The amounts of cash in each bag will vary, but none of them could be considered to be a small sum of money. Apparently each person who finds a bag o’ cash will be “quite surprised” to see what they’ve found.

The IRS would like to remind each winner that local, state, and federal taxes will need to be paid on these amounts just as large casino winnings are subject to taxes.

Good luck to all and hopefully you (or someone who’s in a sharing mood with you) finds one of these cleverly hidden bags of large denomination federal reserve notes.

Dr. Finance On Making Big Money With Garage Sales

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Think of your garage as a mini Wal-Mart store.

Fargo, ND – As promised, Dr. Finance is back once again to help answer any financial questions that you may have. Since almost everything is somehow related to money, Dr. Finance can help with most any question that is scratching your head.

Today’s question comes from Trudi Milkweed from Money, Mississippi. Trudi asks, “Dear Dr. Finance, can my family and I ever make a million dollars just by having a bunch of garage sales?”

Dr. Finance: Well, Mrs. Milkweed from Moneytown, the short answer is “Yes”. You and your family, if properly motivated, can certainly expect to earn a million dollars by having garage sales. The reason why I am so confident about this is because Dr. Finance has personally done it!

If your family has a thousand garage sales, each earning $1,000, that would be your million dollars right there. Five hundred garage sales each earning $2,000 would also get you to your goal. If you set your goal, and have it in writing up on your wall, and look at it every day, it will happen. Here’s how:

In order to have that many garage sales, you will need a continuous flow of stuff to sell. Use your God-given brainstormer to come up with as many ways of cheaply finding items to sell as you can.

For instance, you’all can find under-priced items at other garage sales, search all the charitable stores for fixer-uppers, ask companies for donation items, have your family members make craft items, make baked goods, breed kittens and puppies from stray animals you find, sell fresh garden items from your garden or someone else’s garden, and so on and so forth. The possibilities are endless. Have the kids constantly working to keep those sale shelves stocked. Have your husband quit his job to help out on a full-time basis.

Trudi, you need to start thinking of your garage as a Mini-Walmart. Have good signage to route people to your driveway. Make sure you have colorful balloons out. Set your prices low enough to sell but high enough to make some profit. I hope that helps. Good luck to you, and please let us know when you have reached your goal!

Previous helpful articles by Dr. Finance include: Underwater Mortgage Problems and Making Money By Reading The FM Observer.

Casino Owner Smothered To Death By Huge Pile Of Your Gambled Money

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Mildred Bong Maxomer

Hankinson, ND—A pillar of the Hankinson community is gone. Locals mourn the loss of Wurlot Bong Maxomer, Co-Chief Operating Officer of Dakota Gaming Enterprises, which holds a stake in Dakota Magic Casino & Resort & Hotel.

County coroner’s initial report states that Wurlot died of “monetarial asphyxiation”, meaning he was smothered to death by an enormous pile of cash.

An excerpt from his eulogy, delivered by his lovely wife Mildred:

“…Wurlot was old-fashioned. He was highly suspicious of banks, so he kept all the casino earnings in big, fat wads of hundred-dollar bills. There got to be so much money that we had to pile it up in neatly stacked cash castles throughout our gigantic mansion. It was one of these cash castles that did Wurl in. He went to adjust the very top row of a 15-foot-high castle then lost his balance and fell into it. The Benjamins tower toppled onto him and smooshed him. Oh, it was gruesome! There was Benjamins and guts and Benjamins covered in guts and guts with Benjamins stuck to them. It was everywhere! The dog was licking some of it up. My Wurlot. He died doing what he loved: using your money.”

The District Attorney is expected to file a class-action “wrongful death” lawsuit against casino patrons, claiming that gamblers willfully contributed to the death of Mr. Bong Maxomer via a long series of free-will donations.

Nigerian Prince Email Scam Academy Set to Launch This Spring

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nigerianNigeria—A country in Africa that is widely-known as a haven for princes-turned-internet scammers is slated to open its first internet-based scam academy this April. The Nigerian Scam Academy (NSA) is now accepting open enrollment for online courses in Spam Arts.

Nigerian Prince Jackson Kumalo is the Dean of Admissions at NSA. He says anyone who wants to learn how to scam the elderly should join the academy post haste:

“Our institution is excited to begin breeding Princes of Spam. Each student will be given a bogus email address, phone number, home address and Western Union wire transfer account. In addition, students will have access to hundreds of millions of dollars in play money with which to lure unsuspecting victims. Upon completion of the academy, graduates will be awarded a Certificate Of Unauthenticity and granted access to our exclusive database of gullible elderly. Sensational! Any and all who wish to become a Nigerian Prince con artist are urged to join.”

Kumalo then informed me that his grandfather had recently passed away in the Great African Tsunami and had left behind a small fortune; money that Kumalo is unable to keep for himself due to his noble status. He is offering a reimbursement of tuition amounts for all who join the academy:

“Join the NSA before enrollment closes and you will be awarded a substantial portion of Grandpa Kumalo’s inheritance, may he rest in peace! It is $5,000 USD to join. Please wire this money to my escrow, Bob Smith, and I will reimburse you that amount and an additional $10,000 in inheritance! Please do so before enrollment closes. Please help.”

Enrollment is open now until the open of spring semester, April 1st. Visit www.nigerianscamacademy.com to join. Please help.

Where Are They Now: Wheel of Fortune Big Winner Ken Noisewater

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Fargo, ND – $25,000. Could that dollar amount change your life? I’m willing to bet it could (even after taxes). Kenneth Noisewater landed a shot at fortune and fame; the type that could only be earned along side big Pat Sajak. Ken went on Wheel of Fortune and hit the big time. Mild-mannered Ken, an accountant by day and a father by night, netted the biggest prize of them all (at the time). He pulled the $25,000 envelope and nailed his bonus round puzzle. Little did Ken know, this would be the beginning of the end.

After owning the bonus round, Ken embraced his family, pocketed his check and went on his way. He was feeling like a star. The trip home was filled with jubilation. The family was buzzing with ideas as to what they should do with the money, but Kenneth had his own plan forming. The money had already begun to change him.

Kenneth watched as Uncle Sam took his share of the coin, then a portion of his debt took some as well. He became angry. Extremely agitated. He wanted his bonus. After all, these were WINNINGS he pocketed, not a government grant! Kenneth went out. He told the Mrs he was headed out for a few minutes to “clear his head”. He actually ended up throat-deep in the biggest alcohol bender of his life.

Noisewater went and had himself a real screamer. Took the car to bar after bar, club after club that night. Got so damn drunk he called his boss and went off. Needless to say, he was fired. Then he called his wife and went off. She hung up on him, confused. Then he called 911 and went off…of a bridge into some very troubled water.

The police said it was a miracle Kenneth survived. The river cushioned the blow, they said. Would you believe it if I told you his wife left him? Well, she didn’t. He left her out of sheer embarrassment. One wretched evening of irresponsibility transformed Kenneth Noisewater into a living legend and a complete nobody in one fell swoop.

These days, Noisewater can be found sucking around downtown with the rest of the street urchins, mumbling incoherently to himself:

“I am a rugged being. The government is too big! Three more Presidents until ruination of society. Smart people will tell ya…money is an object! Where am I? Hello. Hello. Hi. Change??”

Truly a depressing end to an unlikely winner-turned-loser story. Let me be the first to warn you, R S T L N E, 3 more consonants and a vowel can easily spell D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R.