Tag Archives: prison

Fargo Starts New Program To Help Juveniles Avoid Jail

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Persuasion through Dissuasion

Fargo, ND – With the upwardly mobile trend of crime in Fargo due to Global Fracking, a new program is being started to dissuade area youth from landing themselves in jail and prison.

The program is called Incarcerational Detention Improves Obstinate Teenagers (or IDIOT).

Troubled teenagers who are heading in the “wrong direction” will hava chance to tangibly experience real-life jail living while wearing a bright pink uniform labeled IDIOT.

Nominations for participation in the IDIOT program can come from parents, teachers, police, or even anonymously.

Program enrollees will get to spend anywhere from 1-6 nights in jail depending on the roll of a dice. Program Director Jack Hammer believes: “By rolling a dice to determine the length of their stay, they begin to learn they’re no longer in control.”

Before graduating from the IDIOT program, each misguided youth will learn how to do laundry, sleep with the lights on, make their beds, make other’s beds, exercise upon waking, appreciate jail food, exist without television and smartphones, and be respectful of authority.

Critics Argue Federal Prisons Too Comfortable

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New federal prison cells said to be too comfortable.

Federal prison cells said to be too comfortable.

Fedhaven, FL – The Federal Bureau of Prisons is under fire for making some of their newest prisons “too comfortable”. A few congressional critics are wondering how the so-called “country club prisons” have started to look more like five-star hotel rooms?

These white-collar Federal Correction Institutions (also sometimes referred to as Club Fed) have housed such infamous convicted criminals as Martha Stewart and Bernie Madoff. In fact, some believe that Martha Stewart is the person most responsible for sparking the tasteful changes that we see today.

Some of the prison cells being criticized have king-sized beds and private on-suite deluxe bathrooms. The Bureau of Prisons defends their actions by stating that their prime directive is to provide guests with safe and humane housing that reflects their core values which are: correctional excellence, respect, and integrity.

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Cow

Man Sentenced To 75 Years In Prison For Stealing Neighbors Cow

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CowMaza, ND – A man was sentenced to 75 years in prison this past Wednesday for stealing his neighbors cow.

Jim Benson, a local dairy farmer (whom Bill Burns worked for before joining the FM Observer), was arrested last week and charged with theft of property.

The property?  A cow.

Cops state that Mr. Benson dressed as a cow, “pranced” over to his neighbors cow barn late at night and stole their most milk producing cow, Betty.

Mr. Benson stated that he just needed some milk and that was all.  He will be eligible for parole in 10 years.

When asked if it was worth it he said, “Absolutely not. I should have just gone to the store for milk.”

Human Assault Weapon

Ban On Human Assault Weapons

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Human Assault WeaponDue to the large number of incidents involving human beings using weapons to kill other human beings there will now be a ban on being a human being.

The state department released a report to Congress recommending a background check on all humans and will be closing all private birthing loop holes.

Also in the report, a call to expand prison systems to accommodate all human assault weapons.  It also suggested offering fifty bucks for voluntary submissions of any human assault weapons.