Tag Archives: taxes

Biden Wins Dem Debate By Focusing On Clipping Coupons In The Stock Market

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Old Joe Biden knows about clipping coupons in the stock market.

Westerville, Ohio – Almost everyone agrees that former Vice President Joe Biden won the 4th Democrat debate which was held in the iconic suburb of Westerville, Ohio.

Here is the key moment when former VP Joe Biden cleverly won the debate:

CNN MODERATOR ERIN BURNETT: Vice President Biden, you have warned against demonizing rich people.

Do you believe that Senator Sanders and Senator Warren’s wealth tax plans do that?

JOE BIDEN: No, look, demonizing wealth, what I talked about is how you get things done.

And the way to get things done is take a look at the tax code right now.

The idea, we have to start rewarding work, not just wealth.

I would eliminate the capital gains tax.

I would raise the capital gains tax to the highest rate, of 39.5 percent.

I would double it, because guess what?

Why in God’s name should someone who’s clipping coupons in the stock market make, in fact, pay a lower tax rate than someone who, in fact, is, like I said, the, a schoolteacher and a firefighter? It’s ridiculous. And they pay a lower tax!

Fargo Approves Funding For “Perv Park” Where Area Pervs Can Gather

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Fargo’s new Perv Park will be a gathering spot for area pervs to meet and greet others of their same ilk.

Fargo, ND – A somewhat controversial decision by the Fargo Park Authority is raising a few eyebrows.

Funding has recently been granted to create a so–called Perv Park.

This would be an area explicitly for local pervs to congregate and share stories, interests, and fears.

Some people against the idea wonder why tax dollars need to be spent on creating a special park just for pervs.

Those in favor of it say that there is a time and a place for everything according to timelines, budgets, interests, and votes.

How do you feel about Fargo creating a Perv Park?

Do you think having a park just for pervs is a good idea?

Can you think of something that would be more deserving of Fargo’s tax money?

Jimmy Kimmel Being Investigated For Using Unlicensed Monkey To Prepare His Taxes

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Jimmy Kimmel’s attorney allegedly paid this monkey $130,000 to prepare Jimmy Kimmel’s tax return.

Hollywood, CA – Comedy King Jimmy Kimmel, who once claimed that he used a dog to prepare his tax return, has now been told he’s being investigated for allegedly using an unlicensed monkey to do his tax work.

Tax auditors admit the monkey is a hard worker and has built quite the monkey business; basically, whenever there’s work to be done, if monkey see it, monkey do it.

Mr. Kimmel is trying to defend his actions by claiming the monkey is considered family, as Kimmel is supposedly the monkey’s uncle.

Elderly Fargo Man Will Not Pay His Property Taxes Until Diversion Is Done

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Why the heck should I have to pay my property taxes until that Diversion is done, eh?

Fargo, ND – A long-time resident of Fargo who was one of the first to originally support the Red River Diversion feels that the city needs a little extra motivation to get the job done.

So, Harold Myerson is planning on not paying his property taxes until the project has been completed.

Mr. Myerson calls it his “silent protest”.

“Yeah, it might seem a bit passive aggressive by some for me to not pay my property taxes but, by jove, I’ve been waiting more than a decade now and we ain’t even to square one yet, dammit!”, barks Harold, who is believed to be about 87 and a half years old.

We asked Harold Myerson if he was perhaps just using the Red River Diversion as an excuse to threaten non-payment of his property taxes, to which he quickly replied:

“Well, what the hell! Hey, just who the heck are you, asking me questions about what I choose to do with my property, and my right to exercise constitutional liberties guaranteed to me by the Bill of Rights?,” retorted the cantankerous old fellow.

We did have a few other questions for Mr. Harold Myerson but decided to save those for another day.

Spend My Money Wisely Government

Government Takes More Money Out of My Paycheck and Why I’m Celebrating

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Spend My Money Wisely GovernmentMy paycheck is about to take a hit in the year 2013.  The fiscal cliff deal finally went through.  What does that mean?  Well, there are a lot of things but the one thing that effects me is the extra money that will be taken out of my paycheck.

Since the fiscal cliff deal passed, wage earners will now pay a 6.2% payroll tax.  Previously there was a 2 year plan in play where we all enjoyed a 4.2%.  Now that party is over and I’m hungover.  There are more taxes coming for the rich.  I’m not rich but if I were I’d still approve of the government taking more and more of my money.

You would think that I’m mad, angry, or bitter.  Well, I’m not.  The party didn’t end for me.  I’m going to continue to rock it out.  You see, I enjoy the government taking more money out of my paycheck.

Everyday I wish the government could take even more money out of my paycheck.  I wish I could live, work, and breathe everyday for the government.  I don’t trust myself with money.  In fact just yesterday I bought a foot tanner.  Why?  Why the hell not?  Last week I went into the dollar store and bought 50 different items simply because they were only a dollar.  Now I don’t know what to do with the stuff.  Those things are just sitting in a pile in my living room.  I’ll probably throw them away next month when I get sick of looking at them, then go buy more stuff at the dollar store for the hell of it.

I live the American dream and it’s America baby!  I definitely feel and trust that the government can spend my money better then I can.  They have many good quality programs that they give my money to.  For example, spending $744,000 for a new soccer field at Guantanamo Bay.  That’s legit.  It’s better than a foot tanner.  Every individual should get puffy cotton robes to relax in after a shower as well.  Or how about the $2.6 billion federal agencies spend on printing.  It’s pretty obvious the government hates trees.  Everyday I bet those employees get into the office and say to themselves, “Trees suck!  I’m going to test print like 50 pages today!  Fuck trees!”  I can get behind that.  Trees are worthless.  We don’t need them.  It’s money better spent than me wasting 50 dollars on 50 useless dollar store items.

I don’t like being responsible and I like slaving away everyday at a middle class job so other people have more money to spend.  More money being my money.  It’s fantastic.  I’m doing a good deed and surely raking up the karma points.  Karma points I myself can spend on things even though karma is imaginary.

That is why I say TAX ME MORE.

How about you?  Do you like others spending your money?  Are you going to continue to party in 2013 like me?