When trick or treating, don’t forget the cemetery.
Fargo, ND – Dr. Headstone of the Halloween Educational Literary Library Organization (HELLO) is reminding children who want to have a full trick or treating experience to not forget to take a slow walk through the local cemetery.
“It is often the last place one thinks of but is really the first place you ought to go when seeking to enjoy a genuine, old-fashioned, Halloween fright night,” opines Dr. Headstone whilst puffing on his old bone pipe.
Dr. Headstone reminds us that Halloween is more than putting on a Trump mask and compiling copious amounts of candy.
“It is the one holiday we have that truly commemorates the dead, and how better to do that than by taking a nice, long, spooky stroll through a foggy cemetery.”
Hi Kids! If you see a bad clown like me on Halloween, run in the opposite direction.
Moorhead, MN – As a public service in the name of survival safety, the infamous clown named Uncle Screwball(who is best known for freaking kids out) wants to warn parents and children to stay away from any scary-looking clowns around Halloween time.
Uncle Screwball not only wants to warn trick-or-treaters to avoid himself, but also some of his scary clown friends who also fall into the category of dark, bad, and twisted.
“It would be best to avoid: Doctor Loopy, Ga-Gonzo, Mr. Wacko, Nutso Job, Loony Brain, Big Bonkers, and Krazy Kook,” according the the admonishing Uncle Screwball.
The god-father of all psycho-clowns goes on to tell kids: “Bad clowns can be anywhere, so always stay watchful. They may be sitting motionless on a porch holding a bucket of candy, or hiding behind a large bush, or even quietly walking right behind you. Bad clowns have a lot of good tricks!”
All holidays have essentially been banned in Fargo, North Dakota
Fargo, ND – The custom of dressing up in costumes for Halloween has been banned for security purposes.
Also, the handing out of candy has also been banned because of a few bad apples in the past who have handed out dangerous items.
During the fright night of Halloween, people can still go door to door and ring doorbells but trick-or-treaters must be dressed as themselves (with no masks such as Donald Trump).
Home dwellers can no longer pass out candy. Items that shall be allowed to be given out include: coins, printed poems, tooth brushes, and small used toys.
Due to a sharp increase in distracted drivers who feel it necessary to be texting whilst operating a large moving vehicle, trick-or-treating shall end at 20 o’clock.
Looking ahead to the upcoming festive Holiday season: Thanksgiving has been banned since not everyone has things to be thankful for, and Christmas has also been banned due to excessive materialism, extreme religious overtones, not to mention all the wackos who dress up as Santa.
Moorhead man banished to doghouse for being so negative earns treats for learning some basic tricks.
Moorhead, MN – After multiple misbehavings, Mr. Rolph Barker was banished to the doghouse by his wife.
Since then, and after being on a short leash for long enough, Rolph has started to show positive signs of improvement says Mrs. Barker.
“By using a strict system of threats and bribes, Rolphy seems to be learning what he can and cannot do. Also, he used to always be so negative, but we are quite positive that his behavior is starting to change for the better.”
An anonymous neighbor who’s been curiously observing the whole process, says that Connie Barker, a professional dog trainer, has been rewarding Rolph with treats such as beef shtix and beef jerky for learning to do tricks and odd-jobs on her honey-do list.
Every so often Connie will take her husband to play with some of the other husbands-in-training at the neighborhood dog park.
If you have a similar success story, please contact your local dog pound to share what’s been working for you.