Moorhead, MN – The City of Moorhead is having a special all-city meeting to talk turkey.
With a problematic over-abundance of wild turkeys, all options are on the table.
Option #1: Turkey Adoption Program (TAP) would ask Moorhead residents to adopt one (1) wild turkey and keep it in the confines of their fenced back yard with the idea that if kept apart, there would be less wild turkeys in the future.
Option #2: Slingshot some of Moorhead’s wild turkeys into Fargo with the idea being: Out of sight. Out of mind. Out of Moorhead!
Option #3: Market Moorhead Turkey Jerky at all the local convenience stores with the idea that if you can’t beat them, then just eat them. (Another variation here would be for Moorhead to celebrate Thanksgiving monthly.)
Option #4: Gather up all the wild turkeys and turn them into Wild Turkey Bourbon to be used as the centerpiece of Moorhead’s Annual Wild Turkey Bourbon Fest.
After you tell someone how they can improve, they should just say: Thank You!
Fargo, ND – On this blessed day of Thanksgiving, the FM Observer family would like to share a very old tradition that has been passed down to us from our four-fathers and four-mothers, and from theirs before them.
Whilst gathered round the feast table enjoying all the same old recipes as last year, gradually go around and have each person tell someone else at the table one way that they can improve them self.
To which the only allowable answer is just: Thank You!
And then that person gets to do the same to another, and so on, and so forth. Round and round we go. Where it stops, nobody knows.
The FM Observer truly hopes you try this as a way of not only bringing your family closer together, but also as an overall way of improving society in general, during these trying times of survival on Planet Earth.
West Fargo, ND – After a comprehensive state-wide survey, your FM Observer has painstakingly compiled a list of things for which North Dakotans have to be thankful.
So, as you gather round your Thanksgiving dinner table and first go around the table to say what each one is thankful for, you can either memorize some of the following, or simply take out your smartphone and read this list straight off our website.
Things To Be Thankful For If You Live In North Dakota:
1. An upcoming Bison football championship 2. Sanford’s New Level I Trauma Center 3. Our state is a Tsunami-free zone 4. The fabulous Medora Musical 5. That Canada is our neighbor 6. Jamestown’s State Hospital 7. Happy Harry’s Bottle Shop 8. Too Tall Tom Szymanski 9. We’re not South Dakota 10. Horizontal Fracking 11. Global Warming 12. NFL Football 13. Legalize ND 14. The Ralph 15. Cara Mund
A glass of apple wine each day helps keep the blues away.
West Fargo, ND – It’s that special time of year once again when apple pickers in the region start thinking about fermentation.
Dr. Zymurgy explains that by using the magic of fermentation, a little bit of yeast and sugar can transform friendly apple juice into powerful apple wine.
Ms. Feleppa Westin is executive apple of the Apple Wine Fest which she describes as one big drunkfest that celebrates the fermented juice from the original apple of sin.
“If you start your home fermentation process in mid-October, by Thanksgiving you will have some kick-ass apple wine for which to give thanks,” says Ms. Westin. “And by Christmas, you’ll be ready to do some serious caroling throughout your neighborhood!” she adds.
Ironically, all the letters in Feleppa Westin can be re-fermented to spell: Apple Wine Fest!
All holidays have essentially been banned in Fargo, North Dakota
Fargo, ND – The custom of dressing up in costumes for Halloween has been banned for security purposes.
Also, the handing out of candy has also been banned because of a few bad apples in the past who have handed out dangerous items.
During the fright night of Halloween, people can still go door to door and ring doorbells but trick-or-treaters must be dressed as themselves (with no masks such as Donald Trump).
Home dwellers can no longer pass out candy. Items that shall be allowed to be given out include: coins, printed poems, tooth brushes, and small used toys.
Due to a sharp increase in distracted drivers who feel it necessary to be texting whilst operating a large moving vehicle, trick-or-treating shall end at 20 o’clock.
Looking ahead to the upcoming festive Holiday season: Thanksgiving has been banned since not everyone has things to be thankful for, and Christmas has also been banned due to excessive materialism, extreme religious overtones, not to mention all the wackos who dress up as Santa.
Moorhead’s Turkey Police leading a patrol car to solve a heretofore previously unsolved crime.
Moorhead, MN – If you see small groups of turkeys along the Red River in Moorhead, chances are the police will not be far behind.
Moorhead Police are now using domesticated, trained wild turkeys to solve many heretofore previously unsolved crimes.
Recently, Moorhead’s Turkey Police led patrol cars right to the front door of Mr. Marvin Shellhammer who had unknowingly vandalized some property while the Turkey Police Officers were watching him.
Officer Ray Dookins: “These turkeys are great for solving crimes because they have extremely strong mental focus almost like a sixth sense. And plus, it will be real nice to have them around for Thanksgiving.”
Turkeyfoot, PA – Leave it to Google to take 3-D printing to the next level.
After some Germans were able to first print edible gummy bears with a 3-D printer, Google has now perfected the ability to 3-D print a ready-to-eat, hot, roasted turkey, just like the one grandma used to pull out of the oven for Thanksgiving.
University of Pennsylvania’s Senior Fellow, Dr. Walter Vonderpluke has been heading up the turkey testing for Google’s 3-D Printing Division: “In my opinion, this Google turkey is very succulent and quite delectable. In a word, ambrosia! To be honest, I cannot believe it was printed with a 3-D printer.”
For those who already own a 3-D printer, simply download the free Google Turkey App and hit the Start button. You and your family will have a beautiful, ready-to-carve, 16 pound Thanksgiving turkey in about 18 minutes.
For those who do not already own a 3-D printer, Santa has been notified.
New York, New York – America’s most loved mutt has been banned from the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Snoopy has tested positive for using inhalants.
Authorities first suspected the mongrel of inhalant usage after noticing slurred speech, a general dazed appearance, unusual hostility toward others, and rashes around his mouth and nose.
“We are very disappointed in this unfortunate development”, said Webb Eubanks who is essentially the Executive Director for the Big Parade. “In fact, we are disappointed to the point of disbelief.”
Top parade officials admitted that Snoopy was the last celebrity character that they would have thought would use inhalants. SpongeBob, Kermit, or The Smurfs have all had problems with inhalant usage in the past, but they all tested negative.
The investigation is on-going. Charlie Brown’s home is being searched for signs of inhalants since he is the owner of the dog. Linus and Lucy may be included, as they have each gone through detox within the past year.
In an effort to deter youngsters from using inhalants, it should be noted that one of the possible long-term effects from using inhalants is: death.