Area Man Says He Can 3-D Print Your Bitcoin

Bitcoin. Money, we guess.

Fargo, ND – For a non-nominal fee, an area man will turn your crypto-currency into physical currency for you to spend willfully on the black market or anywhere else they recognize this monopoly money.

Cryptocurrency, which is somehow tradeable, exists on a metaphysical dataplane known as the blockchain. That might all sound utterly baffling, but not to area man Wrick Zaprudia. He’s got a handle on this cyber hustle and says he can convert that blockchained crypto into actual physical currency.

Wrick Zaprudia. Bitcoin Knower-Abouter.

When asked how in the blue hell this printer can possibly convert crypto-coin into spendable money, Zaprudia went on a garbled data-tangent none of us here at FM Observer could completely grasp. “Without getting too technical–because your 20th-century brain probably can’t decipher it–it works like this. My 3D printer de-hashes your blockchained crypto-ledger into calculable ones and zeros. These codes, or bits as they are more commonly known, get fed into my printer’s 3-dimensional dot-matrix and converted into bit………..coin. Got it? Or should I start over? That’ll be $781.50.”

Once your bitcoin is produced, you can then make a laughable attempt to spend it at your local gas station or department store but I bet they’ll look at you like you are from the planet Bitcoinia. Your crypto-money is no good here you kook, they’ll say. I can’t change one bitcoin. Dead presidents or get out of my store.

At the time of this publication, one Bitcoin is somehow worth an inconceivable $11154.23.