All-Candy Diet Promoted By Candy Companies

February 12th, 2014 | by Johnnny
CAPTION

In CandyLand, you can eat all the candy you want.

Kandiyohi County, MN – A prestigious group of some of the top candy companies in the world are encouraging people to go on an all-candy diet.

A large consortium of candy companies called the CandyLand Group (which includes: Mars, Nestle, Hersey, Russell Stover, Tootsie Roll, Jelly Bellies, DeMets, Pez, and Fannie May) held their latest Candy Conference in Kandiyohi County.

At the Candy Conference, they made public a new scientific study which happened to be funded by the CandyLand Group.

The study showed that participants who ate an all-candy diet were amazingly smarter, much happier, and surprisingly healthier than their placebo counter-parts who ate a strict non-candy diet of anonymous foods that were all pureed together in a blender.

Top representatives from each company all agreed that eating an all-candy diet is simply giving the body more of what it needs to function in this fast-paced 21st century.

“Gone are the days of eating an apple a day to keep away the doctor” says Carmel Sweetooth of the CandyLand Group. “Fruits and vegetables can now be replaced by Smarties, Milk Duds, Skittles, and Gummi Bears.”

When asked if the CandyLand Group study was possibly biased towards trying to sell more candy, Ms. Sweetooth snapped that our question had an anti-candy bias and was therefore an unacceptable question, as she popped a Junior Mint into her mouth before storming off to CandyLand.


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Contributing writer since January, 2013. I've been described by myself as a piano-playing omnivore who hates typos but loves chocolate milk in his coffee. As a Life Coach, some lessons I like to pass onto others are: 1. don't stare at strangers, especially in jail, 2. don't leave fun to find fun, 3. never pet a burning dog, 4. don't eat more than you can lift, and 5. when in doubt, jot it down. Click on any picture in my posts to see them in their full glory. All have been tweaked with either PicMonkey.com or Pixlr.com/Express or Lunapic.com :o)