President Attacked By Young Tea Party Organizer

May 28th, 2013 | by Johnnny
Don't drool on me!

Don’t drool on me!

Arlington, VA – After addressing the nation during a somber Memorial Day service at Arlington National Cemetery, the ever-popular President Obama was jumped by a crazed, young Tea Party organizer.

Parker Cornell, of Hubert, North Carolina, successfully attempted to attack the president, in spite of a number of Secret Service agents who were surrounding the president at the time.

After jumping onto President Obama’s upper chest, young Parker quickly grabbed and scratched the president’s nose while drooling on his shirt.

Apparently Mr. Cornell (age 4.5 months) was upset about his Tea Party group being audited by the IRS, after the IRS had initially delayed the group’s application to become a tax-exempted 501(c)(4).

Parker’s parents told reporters that their son had been unusually quiet earlier that day and they had no idea of his planned presidential assault.

As a Class D felony, this crime is punishable by five to ten years in a federal prison, along with a maximum fine of $250,000.

When asked about this incident, young Parker held up a sign saying he cannot yet speak English. He also indicated that this would not be the last we hear from this young, right-wing zealot.


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Contributing writer since January, 2013. I've been described by myself as a piano-playing omnivore who hates typos but loves chocolate milk in his coffee. As a Life Coach, some lessons I like to pass onto others are: 1. don't stare at strangers, especially in jail, 2. don't leave fun to find fun, 3. never pet a burning dog, 4. don't eat more than you can lift, and 5. when in doubt, jot it down. Click on any picture in my posts to see them in their full glory. All have been tweaked with either PicMonkey.com or Pixlr.com/Express.