Tag Archives: broadway

City Council Rejects Counter-Terrorism Proposal

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downtown-fargo-street-scene-1

     “Turret On The Roof” starring Bette Middler. Not coming to a theater near you.

Fargo, ND – In the wake of the San Bernadino attack, Fargo city council members tossed around some rather extreme counter-terrorism tactics. 

Among those ideas discussed:

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Counter-terrorism TANK

  • Tank patrol
  • Erect a big Incredible Hulk statue in front of Dempsey’s
  • Arm the homeless
  • Vacate downtown Fargo completely
  • Build a wall

The only considerable plan came from ambitious consulting firm Merryweather Security. They proposed that the city install a loaded machine gun turret on top of the Fargo Theater sign in an effort to discourage and/or swiftly eradicate illegal activity.

This proposal was bandied about, discussed at length, met with deep levels of concern and just today, finally rejected by the council.

Alternatively, South Fargo convenience store owners are said to be consulting with Merryweather independently. These owners seek drastic measures to reduce the amount of armed robberies taking place on their property.

Harpist To Serenade Downtown Fargo Valentine’s Day Patrons

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Harpist

Für Elise in A-minor, whether you like it or not

Fargo, ND—The Observer is proud to announce a special treat for downtown Fargo this Valentine’s Day! The enchanting melodies of the soon-to-be infamous Broadway Harpist will serenade street-side onlookers this weekend. Couples who walk hand-in-hand down Broadway will enjoy the ambient presence of the heavenly harp-sick-cord.

Thine own soothing harpist shalt gleefully stalk ye with romantic sound as ye walk. He shalt follow thee downeth thine street-side, plucking gently at thilst instrument of divinity. Harken as ye traveleth by foot down thy sideth walketh; thine harpist shan’t be far away.

The street-side harpist will wheel his instrument close behind those who lag, strumming delicately. His harp wood might give you a playful nudge—but it’s all right! He merely wants to provide an intimate experience for you on this, the Lover’s Holiday. Tips are greatly appreciated.

Look for the harpist on a downtown Fargo sidewalk. Thilst playing shalt commence at the fall of nigh.

Downtown Business Owners Looking to Curb Curb-Vomit

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no_puking_320The prevalence of vomit on city sidewalks has locals concerned.

Fargo, ND—In case you haven’t been downtown lately, or have been downtown but have not yet encountered a lurching pile of partially-digested filth on the sidewalk, the walk down Broadway is facing an issue that it would like to curb….or UN-curb, permanently. There’s an ongoing problem of vomit on downtown-area sidewalks.

Sidewalk hurler Gnaph Lurchfellow makes no bones about it: “I walk by Sweeto at 2 a.m. after bar close…what am I supposed to do? NOT buy a burrito, crush it, then throw it and the fourteen irish carbombs I slammed earlier up??”

Whose fault is it? Bars and restaurants are quick to deflect blame. “Nobody’s forcing that Sweeto Burrito down your throat and back out again,” says Sweeto cashier Dovio Flexano.

“We serve alcohol. Too much of that stuff can make you sick. We reserve the right to refuse service to those who look barfy,” says Rooters bartender Xyler Moleyhorse. “Once they leave the front doors, there’s not much else we can do.”

NO VOMITING signs are to be strategically placed next to the NO FORNICATING and NO MICTURATING signs on area street corners until this issue is both curbed and un-curbed, for good.