Author Archives: Bill Burns

About Bill Burns

Bill grew up in one of the largest cities in the United States, Maza, North Dakota. Being a cow milker by trade, it was only after stroking thousands upon thousands of cow nipples was he able to save up enough money and move to Fargo, ND. It was here that he joined FM Observer. In his free time he enjoys carving rocking horses out of wood, healing the sick, and running marathons across oceans.

Fargo Man Rescued From Toilet

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Fargo, ND – You heard it here first folks.  A local Fargo resident was rescued from his toilet late last night.

Late last night at around 10 p.m, the Fargo police department received a call about a missing person.  Brent had stated that he had not seen his neighbor in over three days and was very concerned.  This prompted police to visit the neighbor’s home.

After arriving, police knocked on the door multiple times but with no response. One officer was walking to the back of the home when he thought he heard someone from inside say “please.”

With that knowledge, police rammed down the front door.  Upon immediately entering, the officers heard a man say calmy, “For the love of hippopotamus dicks….can you pleeeeease get me some toilet paper?”

Officers were stunned.  It seems the neighbor, named Jim, had been trapped on the toilet seat for three entire days because he ran out of toilet paper and refused to get up.

When asked why he didn’t just get up and get something to wipe, he simply stated, “Ew.”

Today, Jim is happy. He’s thankful to the officers for saving his life.

“If it wasn’t for those kind and sweet officers, I’d probably be dead.  Be dead or still sitting on that toilet seat.” – Jim

leatherman charge tti

Multi-tools Review

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If you didn’t know, I just recently got back from a trip to the Democratic Republic of Congo.  I have been looking at vacation/retirement property there for a while now.  During my trip I got to use a variety of different multi-tools.  Below I will show the ones I had the pleasure of using and then make my own suggestions on how to improve it.

1. Leatherman Charge TTi

leatherman charge tti

When Leatherman made the Charge TTi, they combined all of the most requested features into one functional tool. The TTi’s premium comfort-sculpted titanium handle scales and an S30V® stainless steel clip-point knife to really take this multi-tool to the next level. Who says a multi-tool can’t be sexy?

  • PRIMARY BLADE LENGTH: 2.9 in | 7.37 cm
  • CLOSED LENGTH: 4 in | 10 cm
  • WEIGHT: 8.2 oz | 232 g

Suggestions To Improve: Add a gas powered chainsaw.  Situated next to the minisaw, Leatherman should add a real gas powered chainsaw to its blade arsenal.  The minisaw is not suitable to cut down large adult trees.  When your life is on the line lost in the wooods, building a tree house is your first priority and a gas powered chainsaw will help you do just that.

 

2. 4-In-1 Woodsman

zippo multitool

Woodsman 4-in-1 Tool. It chops, saws, pounds and pulls. An Axe, Bow Saw, Mallet and Stake Puller… you get them all! So you can cut through a tangle of brush and tree limbs, set up and take down a tent or blind, and conquer just about anything else that crops up when you’re in the wild. From camping to survival: Steel Hatchet has 5″ blade; 15″ Bow Saw cuts oak up to 4″ in diameter; Mallet helps you put up tent in a hurry… even when ground is hard; Stake puller gets you on the road sooner.

  • Product Dimensions: 2 x 21 x 9 inches ; 3.4 pounds

Suggestions To Improve: I think the only thing missing from this bad boy is to add an electric leaf blower.  When camping out in the wild, there are always those pesky leaves falling around your campsite.  With this, you would never have to worry about a leaf ridden camp site again.  It will also work as a bear protector.  If a bear stumbles upon your campsite, blowing leaves at him has been proven to be an effective solution.

 

 3. Trucker’s Friend Survival Tool

Truckers Friend

The USA-made Trucker’s Friend is an all-purpose tool, built tough and specifically designed to meet the needs of professional truck drivers. But it’s so much more. In any situation that requires hacking, prying, pulling or pounding, you will feel real peace of mind with this serious tool on board. The Trucker’s Friend is backed by a no-hassle Lifetime Replacement Guarantee.

  • Handy all-purpose hand tool designed for professional truck drivers
  • Cut branches, pry loose nails, chip away hard-packed ice, and more
  • Includes curved axe, spanner, hammer, nail puller, tire chain hook, pry bar and lever
  • Shock-absorbing power grip and fiberglass handle
  • Made in the USA

Suggestions To Improve: This handy dandy ax is the perfect truckers companion.  Adding two katana blades would complete this multi-tool.  When the axe portion of this multi-tool doesn’t work fighting off multiple robbers, disengaging the katana blades will make quick work of your attacker.  Push button pepper spray added to the top of the axe would allow you to blind your attacker before cutting him apart with an axe.

 

4. Tactical Tomahawk

tactical tomohawk

The original Vietnam Tomahawk, SOG’s F01T-N Tactical Tomahawk is the latest incarnation of one of history’s most unusual weapons. This versatile piece of equipment handles a number of tasks including excavation, operations breaching, obstacle removal, and extraction, which makes the F01T-N an ideal tool for military and service personnel.

  • Use this versatile tool for breaching operations, excavation, obstacle removal, extraction, and other utility applications
  • Glass-reinforced nylon handle with 2.75-inch stainless steel ax head
  • Tough ballistic polymer handle and nylon carry sheath
  • An innovative, updated version of the Vietnam Tomahawk
  • Length: 15.75-inches; weight: 24-ounces; lifetime warranty

Suggestions To Improve: A tomahawk tool is a must have survival tool.  When you’re lost in the woods, this tomahawk is the perfect companion to take over villages or little cities along the way.  I’d like to see a specialized gland or pouch attached to the bottom of this tomahawk to deliver a healthy dose of venom to the blade.  This way, when you’re slicing your way to conquest and victory, your victims have a chance of dying a more terrible death.

Average Basketball League

Fargo To Introduce New Basketball League

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Average Basketball League

Fargo, ND – A new basketball league is being introduced for the first time in Fargo, North Dakota.

Fargo, North Dakota is going to roll out for the first time, a second basketball league said to compete with the NBA.

The ABL or Average Basketball League, is catered to average size people.  Nobody taller than 6’3 is allowed in the league.  The basketball hoop will be lowered a whole 3 feet which would bring it to a normal height of 7 feet total.  The basketball will be smaller.  Much smaller.  About the size of a softball in fact.  This way, everyone can get a good nice grip which they can slam home.

The rollout is expected to begin October 2015.  Teams will begin recruiting as early as this summer.  For the first season, 12 teams are expected to play.  As many as 2 -6 new teams may be added by 2016.  Some teams include the L.A Smells, Fargo Cold, and the Denver What Was I Just Doings.

Please contact the ABL if you are interested in playing in this new and exciting league for average sized people!

Upworthy

Upworthy Headlines That Never Made The Cut

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Upworthy

Upworthy is a website that uses click-bait titles to drive people to click their links. These are some headlines that didn’t make the cut.

George had a cyst on his balls. You won’t believe what happens next.
Sam got run over by a train. What he didn’t say will shock you.
Sarah didn’t like her boyfriend. What she did to his genitals will make you happy.
Jim crapped his pants. The next sequence of events will disturb you.
She killed her husband. What the deceased man said next is jaw dropping.
He was addicted to drugs until a smiling elephant with a hat and a bow tie changed his life.
What this baby produces in his underpants will scar you for life.
Man sticks head in alligator. You will not believe why someone told him not to.
Man dresses like woman. Acts like a woman. Is he a woman?
Jon was helping Jim with his wardrobe malfunction. He put what where?
This is the greatest video to ever exist so watch it.
Everyone has secrets. See what this Alien had to say.
This tampon commercial will blow your mind.

Online Trolls Say 2014 Will Be A Great Year For Them

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Internet TrollOnline trolls have recently slithered out of their holes to state that they think 2014 will be a great year for them.

Due to the still ever increasing use of social media, trolls are having a better chance of seeing uplifting stories that they can engage in and throw their venomous feces all over.

We spoke to a few trolls online.  User “IMTHEGREATEST” is one that we had the chance to speak to.

“I can’t wait to see what 2014 has in store for us trolls.  I’m literally like so excited.  If it wasn’t for trying to make peoples lives miserable for no reason, I would be lost.  I’ve been crafting my unique trolling skills lately and I can’t wait to use them.  Ultimately I’d like get someone so aggravated that they kill themselves.  LOL!”

We got to speak to another troll user named “MoNKeYBaLLS.”

“I’m the greatest warrior the internet has ever seen.  I’m certainly no pussy.  Just yesterday I told a cancer patient that I hope she dies.  This morning I told a bunch of animal lovers that I’d run over all their animals without question.  It’s what I do.  It’s what I’m good at.  I also know everything.  I have a PHD.  It’s not recognized as real but I have one.”

User “LOTF” had this to say.

“2014 is going to be great!  I should probably get out of bed because it’s been 2 months since I’ve done so.  However, I was speaking to other trolls and they are just as excited as I am for this year.  I can’t wait for all the good positive stories to come out that I can ruin for everyone.”

Lastly, we spoke with user “48575743.”

“I…..cannot…….wait to see what is in-store for 2014!  If I didn’t have the internet i’d have been beaten up like 200 times by now LOL.  Or murdered LOL.  When I’m on the internet I don’t have to worry about being punched in the face repeatedly since they don’t know where I live!  I’m a very very smart person.  2014 will be a great year for me to feel better about myself.  I will promise to dedicate all my energy to being a complete jerk online.”

Today, internet trolls are increasing in numbers rapidly.  Why?  We don’t know.  We can though give you some tips.  See below.

  • The famous motto “Do not feed the trolls” is real and still works.  Simply ignoring them will make them bored and they will move quickly to troll others.
  • On facebook you may block them so you never see their mouth feces scattered about ever again.
  • Be sarcastically nice to them.
  • Find out their real name and post the trolling details on blogs etc.  This way if someone is searching for that person in particular, they will find out that he is a worthless troll.
  • Murder them with fire.

Those are just some ways to effectively deal with trolls.  2014 is looking to be even more frustrating.

How do you deal with trolls?

Dominos Pizza

Meet The Real Domino’s Pizza Makers

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Dominos Pizza

 

 Meet The Real Domino’s Pizza Makers

There’s pizza makers and then there’s Domino’s Pizza Makers.  We had time to go around town and interview local Domino’s Pizza Artists.  These are their stories.

 

 

Melissa (The Astrophysicist)

The Astrophysicist

 Greg (The Doctor)

The Doctor
“NASA and space exploration was my goal but artful pizza making was my PASSION! I’m not your average pizza maker.” “I was never a doctor. But I wanted to be. My passion for the arts led me to pizza making and ultimately Dominos for the last 30 years. I’m still here. Still…………………………………..here”
Latifah Bonifa Shataniana La’Trice (The Lawyer)

The Lawyer

 Someone’s Kid (The Kid)

Someones Kid
“I really liked being a lawyer but there is nothing like pizza making. It is an art form and I plan to craft it into something wonderful. Like cows pooping skittles wonderful.” “I don’t really know what i’m doing here. My dad drops me off, I work a lot, then I go home and do it all over again tomorrow. Do you have any food?  I want to watch cartoons.”
Plis (The Art Teacher)

The Art Teacher

 Chea (The Sculpter)

The Sculpter
“I’ve wanted to be an art teacher all my life. That’s what led me to Dominos. I want to influence kids, help others. Change the world really. One pizza at a time.” “Just like sculpting, pizza making is an art form. You really got to put your heart and soul into it.”
Jesus (The Savior)

Jesus

 Genghis Khan (The Emperor)

Genghis Khan
“Answering prayers all day just wasn’t doing it for me. I had to get out of my shell. Dominos gave me the opportunity that I couldn’t say no to. Here I get to express myself artfully.” “Killing people was a fine art and I’m the greatest artist to ever live. I plan to come back and apply my art to pizza making.”
It's Ok To Be Gay On Valentines Day

Westboro Church States, “It’s Ok To Be Gay On Valentine’s Day.”

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It's Ok To Be Gay On Valentines DayTopeka, Kansas – In a weird turn of events, The Westboro Baptist Church announced today that it was Ok To Be Gay on Valentine’s Day.

Two men wrestling each other’s penises, the church states, is “OK on Valentine’s Day.”

This neat little jingle, Westboro Church hopes, will raise more homosexual awareness.

“We feel that it is Ok To Be Gay on Valentine’s Day and that all men who feel ridiculed or ashamed may all meet, here, at the Westboro Baptist Church.  You will feel safe and god will forgive your sins.  We will take real good care of you.”

We find it very odd that the Westboro Baptist Church would hold gay meetings.  The church has been very outspoken against gays even claiming that God Hates Fags.  They have picketed all over the United States preaching hate and negativity.

“We feel this will give the fags that god hates so much a chance to forgive their sins.  That is all.  There is nothing else going on.  I swear.  What?  Why are you looking at me like that?  I swear we just want to forgive the sins of fags because we care.  I’m serious.  Why do you have your hand on your forehead?  We hate gays.  I’m not gay!  Why are you laughing!?!” a church member stated.

Although we will never know, it seems there might be more than the eyes can see in regards to the Westboro Baptist Church.  Are we being trolled?  Are they for real?  Dare I ask if they themselves are gay?  These are the questions we need to answer.

Maybe the church is pulling one of the greatest trolling stunts in human history.

Man Responsible For Olympic Ring Mishap Found Dead In Sochi

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olympic rings Sochi, Russia – The man responsible for operating the Olympic rings during this years Winter Olympic Opening Ceremonies in Russia was found dead in his run down hotel room yesterday.

The Daily Currant has reported that T. Borris Avdeyev was found in his hotel room early this morning with multiple stab wounds.

So far it is being investigated as an ‘accident’.  However, people around the world are starting to question if it really was just an accident or if it was Vladimir Putin himself snuffing out the problem..

The local news paper was able to get a hold of Putin himself after he was finished with his daily afternoon greco roman wrestling matches with his buddies.

After taking his halo from his head and putting it down beside him, Vladimir simply stated, “Vodka.  Do you want?”

That was it.  He took a swag of some Vodka and then went back to his greco roman wrestling matches with his friends.

Although highly suspectful, we believe Mr Avdeyev did indeed slip and fall on some knives.

If there are any new details to this story we will sure report them.

Cow

Man Sentenced To 75 Years In Prison For Stealing Neighbors Cow

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CowMaza, ND – A man was sentenced to 75 years in prison this past Wednesday for stealing his neighbors cow.

Jim Benson, a local dairy farmer (whom Bill Burns worked for before joining the FM Observer), was arrested last week and charged with theft of property.

The property?  A cow.

Cops state that Mr. Benson dressed as a cow, “pranced” over to his neighbors cow barn late at night and stole their most milk producing cow, Betty.

Mr. Benson stated that he just needed some milk and that was all.  He will be eligible for parole in 10 years.

When asked if it was worth it he said, “Absolutely not. I should have just gone to the store for milk.”