Author Archives: Kitz

About Kitz

Contributing writer since February, 2014.

Fargo Approves Taser Drones For Use In High Crime Areas

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Don’t taze me, drone!

Fargo, ND – Local police are celebrating the approval of new technology that promises to make fighting crime a little easier and a whole lot safer. City government has finally given a green light to the much anticipated Taser Administering Drone Army, or TADA. The fleet of 25 drones will soon be buzzing over crime-ridden neighborhoods where traditional law enforcement measures have been largely unsuccessful.

“Oh these little buggers are game changers,” raves Police Chief Warren Peese. “My men will soon be able to zap slimeballs silly without having to put down their donuts. The beauty is, the criminals will never see it coming. One minute they’re selling a bag of crack and the next…wham, they’re flopping around on the ground like a fish out of water. TADA!”

The drones, which are roughly the size of a shoebox, are equipped with surveillance cameras and long-range tasers that can be deployed wirelessly from a remote location. “These suckers have about a half-mile range,” says Peese. “In other words, there’s really nowhere to hide. Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when we aim at you?”

Asked about the drones’ accuracy, Peese admits, “Well, it’s not 100%. Heck, it’s not even 90%. Our guess is, though, that if you’re close enough to a criminal to get tased, you’re probably up to no good, and we’re ok with those odds. Also, if we hit the wrong target, there’s a slick little retract button that sucks that taser up like nothing ever happened. Problem solved. TADA!”

An inside source reveals that local networks are close to reaching a deal with police to broadcast live TADA taser action on a local area TV channel. Could be lots of fun to watch! Stay tuned to the FM Observer for details.

Wishing On A Star Yields Better Results For The Rich

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When you wish upon a Star

When you wish upon a Star

Cambridge, MA – A new important study out of Harvard now solidly confirms what many have suspected for years. The common practice of “wishing on a star” seems to produce much more favorable outcomes for wealthier wishers.

Harvard research director, Dr. Ollie G. Arkin admits more research needs to be done to determine exactly why such a correlation exists, but notes, “It’s clear that money plays a major role here, we’re just not sure why.”

“An average person with a median income has about a 5% chance that their star wish will actually come true,” continues Arkin. “As the income level goes up, so does the probability of a positive outcome. For example, upper middle-class wishers enjoy about a 50% chance of success. Millionaires are looking at around 90% probability. Our data pretty much ends there as most billionaires we interviewed were unaware that wishing was an activity.”

On the flip side, a person earning minimum wage in the U.S. faces a staggering 0.008% chance of having their wish granted. And, according to the study, if you make less than minimum wage, wishing on a star is considered “a total waste of time, other than for entertainment purposes.”

Control Freak Sentenced to 100 Hours Jazz Music

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Judge jazzes up sentence.

Fargo, ND – When a disagreement over how her groceries were being bagged escalated into a screaming brawl, Wanda Tite found herself in handcuffs. Charged with public disturbance, harassment and assault, the mother of three thought she would simply pay her fine and go back to being the boss of everyone in her meticulously organized and disinfected life. She was wrong.

Upon hearing the details of the case, Judge Mel Lowe handed down what some are calling a “radical but awesome” ruling, sentencing Mrs. Tite to 100 hours of jazz music. Terms of the sentence state that the hours are to be endured consecutively in the dark back room of a local dive bar.

The courtroom was silent as Judge Lowe issued his sentence. “If I understand correctly, you went ballistic in a grocery store because your oranges were bagged with your cheese, is that right? You, ma’am, are a control freak. You have a problem. Until you realize that, you are a ticking time bomb in our community. As such, you will learn the hard way what it feels like to have no control whatsoever. You will experience the futility of trying to impart order on an orderless world. This will be your rock bottom. You, ma’am, will listen to jazz.”

Witnesses claim that after hearing the ruling, Wanda Tite frantically tried to straighten all the chairs in the courtroom before curling up in a corner and pulling out all her eyelashes. She was eventually carried away screaming “How can you do this?! Jazz?! I’d rather be dead! You sadist!”

As he brought down his gavel, Judge Lowe was reportedly overheard saying, “Beebeddy bop-zop sooowop-zop bippedy zoowww, next case.”

Tear Duct Implants Gaining Popularity in Washington

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Tears beginning to flow in Washington.

Washington, D.C. – A new cosmetic surgery trend is sweeping the nation’s capital. Tear duct implants, also known as “Sad Sacs”, are becoming increasingly popular among politicians whose inability to connect with their constituents has left them with few other options. The implants, which are surgically inserted into the lower eyelid, draw liquid from the body and store it in small sacs. The liquid can then be released on cue by activating the “Cry Button”, a wireless device that is carried by the user.

According to Dr. Hope Leslie, M.D., “Getting misty-eyed is something that happens naturally for most of us when we feel strong emotions. The problem for the majority of elected officials is that they are complete sociopaths, utterly incapable of human empathy. This leaves them at a real disadvantage when it comes to relating to others. Sad Sacs give these politicians the ability to at least appear like they can understand someone else’s suffering. Quite honestly, it’s the closest thing to compassion we’re ever going to see in Washington.”

“I just plain do not care about people, and that’s been a challenge for my campaign,” admitted one Senator who asked to remain anonymous. “I mean, I’ve literally laughed in some of my voters’ faces when they’ve told me how hard their lives are. Now I can turn on the waterworks and by God, it seems like I actually give a damn. These Sad Sacs are just unbelievable.”

Despite their effectiveness, developers admit there are still a few glitches with the implants. “Generally, the problems have been behavior-related,” explained Dr. Leslie. “Things like Congressmen pumping their Cry Buttons too fast in order to squirt others in the face, or the Vice President stealing the Speaker’s wireless device. We’re looking at requiring some maturity training classes, and beefing up security features. All in all, though, demand for the procedure is through the roof. We’re confident that, at least on Capitol Hill, Sad Sacs are here to stay.”

Rash of Burglaries Confounds Police in Little Rock, AR

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Police have a real head scratcher on their hands.

Little Rock, AR – Local police are dealing with what may be one of the worst outbreaks in recent memory. A highly contagious rash of burglaries is plaguing the precinct, causing symptoms ranging from intense itching to intense scratching. “The situation is bad, real bad,” claims Officer Stu Pittery. “Makes my skin crawl, it really does. We gotta get a handle on this, and right soon. It’s like chiggers gone wild up in here.”

The problem began on a day like any other. “I was out on patrol when I seen the first signs,” remembers Bubba Briggs, a deputy sheriff. “I saw this masked man running from a house carrying a pretty good sized flatscreen tv. It seemed kinda weird, but I just kept watchin’ him. Anyhoo, after a few minutes I happened to catch a look at myself in the cruiser’s rear view. I’ll be danged if my upper lip wasn’t just covered in red bumps. Well, then it started to itch. That rash was fixin’ to spread, right there under my nose. Sweet Delilah, I hightailed it back to the station faster than a one-legged man at a butt kickin’ contest. I got like a sixth sense about things, and I just knew this weren’t good.”

Upon arriving at police headquarters, deputy Briggs’ keen suspicions were confirmed. The rash had indeed spread, making its way through the precinct virtually unchecked. The rapid progression has prompted city leaders to consider quarantining the station while they search for a solution. They are also going to consider changing “search for a solution” to “have us a bourbon”.

In a recently released statement, Police Chief Rufus Jackson attempted to calm the public. “Y’all don’t worry now, we’ll be all right. But this here rash is spreading faster than Tums at a chili cookoff. What we’re aimin’ for now is to try and get to the source. Best we can tell, there’s a masked man out there infecting our community. Every last one of my men done seen him haulin’ valuables around town and then, bang, they got the itch. We think he’s gotta be somehow connected, but it’s a head-scratcher. I ain’t never seen no rash of burglaries like this here. God as my witness, not never.”

Asked to comment, Little Rock Mayor Winston Abbott said simply, “Aw hell, I’m sure this will all be over soon. Them boys’ll be back fightin’ crime ‘fore they know it. I’ve had my share of rashes over the years, and I’m tellin’ you this’ll be gone faster than a Pabst Blue Ribbon at a Nascar race, mark my words. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to return a call from the county vet. Somethin’ about the canine unit havin’ fleas or some tarnation.”

Billy Bob Thornton Buys Haunted House Near Fargo, ND

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Billy Bob has found his new haunt.

Billy Bob finds a new haunt.

Moorhead, MN – Billy Bob Thornton said it was “destiny” when he came across an article describing a haunted house for sale in Moorhead, MN, located just across the river from Fargo, ND. The star, whose affinity for the macabre is well known, was quoted exclaiming, “Sheeet yeah, that place is straight-up Billy Bobscene, y’all.” He then proceeded to grab his pet Python, Fang, along with a bottle of whiskey and jump into his helicopter which whirred off into the night.

Apparently, Billy Bob has been looking for a unique home in the Red River Valley for months. After clinching the lead in FX’s upcoming series, Fargo, the actor began searching for what he called, “A place to dig in and develop my character’s roots. Plus, I gotta get that accent down, you know? I’m all southern-trailer-park-redneck and my character is northwoods-ax-murdery-dude. Hell’s bells.”

Moorhead locals near the notoriously wicked haunted house have mixed feelings about their quirky new neighbor. Area resident, Patty Berger said, “Well, when you’ve been living next door to Satan’s sanctuary, it’s hard to see how things could get much worse. Still, better the devil you know than the devil you don’t, right? I guess all we can do is hope for the best. Some Hollywood kook who’d wear blood around his neck might be just creepy enough to scare out those damned demons. God help us if he can’t do it.”

Billy Bob's House

Haunted house

Reps for Mr. Thornton would not confirm the actor’s current whereabouts, but sightings have been reported in and around Fargo-Moorhead for weeks. When asked if she had ever actually seen Billy Bob, Patty Berger looked up at the sky quizzically. “You know, come to think of it, I might have. I saw a strange man on the sidewalk a few days ago with a snake over one shoulder. He was a little guy…kinda funny looking.”

Is it solid proof that the celebrity has taken up residence in his new haunt? Probably not. Are folks up here prrrrreetttty sure that Billy Bob’s “In Da House”? Oh, you betcha.

New Crest Brownstrips Promise “Authentic British Smile”

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Fee, Fie, Foe, Fum, I want the smile of an Englishman!

Cincinnati, OH – As fans of Downton Abbey will tell you, Americans can’t get enough of the Brits these days.  It seems our country has fallen hard for all things English.  From their pompous literary intellect to their notoriously bad teeth, we’re in love.  And in America, where there’s love, there’s….you guessed it: a huge corporation looking for a cash cow.

Procter & Gamble hopes to have found just that with its newest product, Crest Brownstrips.  Similar to its popular Whitestrips, Crest’s Brownstrips offer customers a whole new experience in what marketers are calling “customized enamel expression”.  Instead of whitening the teeth, Crest Brownstrips are designed to give the user’s smile a more British look by “antiquing” the enamel to a yellowish-brown color in just two weeks.  “You’ll see some flecks of gray mixed in with the ochre tones,” says product designer, Jillian Stanes.  “We’ve even included a unique blend of botanicals which will give the teeth a sort of gummy look as opposed to the clean, smooth appearance that comes with good dental hygiene.  It’s super realistic looking.”

P&G CEO, Oliver Lemmon, explains, “The dental customer today is searching for an individualized mouth appearance which reflects his interests and beliefs.  A stained, gnarly smile says ‘I’m bonkers for Brits’ in a totally unique way.  Crest is committed to meeting our customers’ needs, and according to our attorneys, we should be OK doing that with Brownstrips.”

A source inside Crest labs reports that its chemists are working around the clock to create a rainbow of other Strip options.  Rumored shades include Avatar Blue, Glow-in-the-dark Neon, Hannibal Lecter Red, and Meth Mouth Medley.  “We think Crest Brownstrips are the beginning of something really special,” says Lemmon.  “One day soon, you’ll be able to just open your mouth and let people know who you are without the hassle of speaking.  According to our attorneys, we should be OK saying we think that’s pretty neat.”

FDA Issues Recall of 20 Million Spoiled Rotten Children

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Warning: Spoiled brats hazardous to your health.

Washington, DC – In an unprecedented move, the Food and Drug Administration has issued a recall of what experts are calling the most toxic substance in America: its own spoiled rotten children.  While these whining brats have long been known to cause a variety of symptoms ranging from mild irritation to severe psychosis, emerging science indicates the problem is far more serious than previously thought.

In a statement released to the media, FDA spokesperson, Harold Schwartz said, “This recall is absolutely essential in order to protect the public from the damaging effects of spoiled rotten child exposure.  The soccer mom in Connecticut who had a stroke buying 17 tiaras at Baby Versace was just the tip of the iceberg.  Without drastic intervention, our models predict that human suffering in our country will reach epic proportions by 2020.  The carnage will be devastating, especially in the suburbs.”

Data indicates that spoiled rotten children are now the number one contributing factor in the overall decline of American health.  Noted endocrinologist, Dr. Ewan Meeman, explains, “We estimate that the body’s inflammatory response to such children is 100 times stronger than to a rattlesnake bite.  With regards to toxicity, you’d be better off chugging Drano right out of the bottle than spending five minutes in a room with one of these death traps.”

When asked about how the FDA plans to handle 20 million recalled children, Mr. Schwartz admitted, “Well, the committee that was working to tackle that issue has been, ahem, released from duty.  I’ll be honest, some of the ‘disciplinary procedures’ they came up with were a little unprofessional.  Ok, for real, they were downright disturbing.”

To protect yourself, the FDA recommends avoiding schools, parks, malls, long plane rides and any restaurants that offer childrens’ menus.  In addition, they strongly urge all Americans to refrain from visiting Disney theme parks until further notice.

Ukraine President’s Brother Weird Al Yanukovych Releases Album

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Estranged brothers: Viktor Yanukovych and Weird Al Yanukovych

Kiev, Ukraine – Although it is common to see Ukraine’s President Viktor Yanukovych in the news, it is one of his relatives who is making headlines as of late.

The President’s estranged brother, Weird Al Yanukovych has been stealing the spotlight in the embattled region with the release of his latest album, “Not Back To The USSR”, which he says is “custom created for the narcissist to our north”.

Popular among Ukraine’s hipster crowd, Mr. Yanukovych has long been revered for his satirical remakes of western songs.  His music offers much needed comic relief in a land that many consider to be the least humorous place on earth.  “If I can give my people a chuckle in the face of all this chaos and uncertainty, then I’ve done my job,” states Yanukovych.  “And if I can stick it to my idiot brother in the process, then that’s just honey on my pierogi.”

Weird Al Yanukovych was elevated to icon status in the early 90’s with his Billboard-topping Eurythmics cover, “Here Comes Ukraine Again”.  Since then, some of the world’s biggest artists have given him permission to change their songs’ lyrics in the name of laughter.  It is widely rumored that the artist formerly known as Prince offered Yanukovych 1,000 pounds of caviar to create “Purple Ukraine”, another of his top hits.

The release of his latest album comes at a time when political unrest and a threatening Russian military presence along Ukraine’s border are taking their toll on the country’s citizens.  “We need a laugh now more than ever,”  said Yanukovych at a recent press conference.  “These politicians are total nutcases, but I’m the ‘Weird’ one?  What’s wrong with this picture?”

The album, “Not Back To The USSR” is currently available on iTunes and will soon hit stores worldwide.  Yanukovych was kind enough to give us the list of tracks, which you can check out below:

Not Back To The USSR (original song by The Beatles)
If I Had a Million Vodkas (original song by Barenaked Ladies)
Crimea River (original song by Justin Timberlake)
Smells Like Mean Spirit (original song by Nirvana)
Heart of Cold (original song by Neil Young)
You Are Not My Sunshine (original song by Willie Nelson)
The Sound Of Violence (original song by Simon and Garfunkel)
Every Putin Wants To Rule The World (original song by Tears for Fears)
Locked Up In Prison (original song by Bruno Mars)
Achy Breaky Sovereignty (original song by Billy Ray Cyrus)
If I Was Your Despot (original song by Justin Bieber)

North Dakotans Live In A State Of Happiness

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Hiberspace is the new happy.

Fargo, ND – Gallup’s recent release of its annual “Happiest State” poll results has left many Americans dumbfounded to see North Dakota sitting in 1st place for 2014.  It is being widely reported that collective “Whaaaaa?” sounds can be heard from Pittsburgh to Portland as people scratch their heads trying to figure out where North Dakota is and what’s so happy about it.

However incredulous, Gallup has spoken.  Toppling the reigning champ, Hawaii, North Dakota now ranks as the happiest state in the union.  While the FMO sends out a mittened “high five” to our state and its citizens, even we have to wonder:  How the heck did that happen?

In an effort to understand how North Dakota could have ever stolen the happy crown from Hawaii (Really??), the FMO decided to ask local psychiatrist and self-proclaimed happiness expert, Johann Kronnesvoldervandersbjorg to explain.

FMO:  So, Dr. K., why in the world are North Dakotans so darn happy?

JK:  I’m going to let you in on a little secret.  I’ve recently discovered a phenomenon that occurs in some humans who live in absurdly inhabitable conditions like we experience here in North Dakota.  After years of being exposed to mind-numbing cold, prolonged sunlight deprivation and high levels of casserole consumption, human beings begin to enter a state not unlike hibernation.  I call it Hiberspace.

FMO:  Can you repeat that?  I was half asleep.

JK:  Listen closely now.  Just as the internet exists in Cyberspace, North Dakotans exist in Hiberspace.  The inner consciousness becomes completely unaware of the outside world and instead operates in a sort of euphoric dream state.  Awash in endorphins and dopamine from the excessive casserole intake, the human mind drifts along blissfully for months in order to survive the harshness of reality.  It’s really quite extraordinary.

FMO:  So, you’re saying we’re essentially bears?  Big, lumbering, loopy, grinning bears?

JK:  Well, that’s one way to look at it.  The point is that Hiberspace is an incredibly exciting discovery.  Just imagine the possibilities!  If humans can evolve to the point where they can find happiness in such utterly ridiculous living conditions as the bleak, frozen tundra of North Dakota, then theoretically true Nirvana should be a snap for say, a Floridian.  It’s all about tapping into that magical sweet spot between hopelessness and denial.  Therein lies true happiness.

FMO:  And, apparently, a casserole.

JK:  Indeed.

FMO:  Indeed.