Author Archives: Nick

About Nick

Interstrapolating condectistic devariance via opentasmic protensive mindopathy.

Wal Mart Helping Shoppers Gear Up for Black Friday

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Bentonville, AR – The visionary brain trust contained at Wal Mart headquarters in Bentonville, AR is setting the stage for Black Friday by implementing protective measures for their late night/early morning shoppers. Headquarters is requiring that each Wal Mart greeter be equipped with combat gear to distribute to each customer who passes through the waiting line on Black Friday.

Wal Mart is also reported to be hiring armed guards to act as aisle fight referees. These “aisle knights” will post up at the corner of every department calling off the hounds, scraping mutilated corpses off the tile and rewarding the most ferocious victor his or her merchandise trophy.

 

A shield, helmet and lance will be made readily available for every gladiator brave enough to venture through Hell’s portal. Warriors from all across the region are set to gather eagerly at the gates of your friendly neighborhood Wal Mart to put their fighting skills to the test.

When the smoke clears and the dust settles, there can only be one victor! This November 23rd is sure to be a battle of epic proportions! Who among you possesses the strength and fortitude it requires to decimate your way to glory? Who will hoist the coveted 30% off LED TV? Anxiousness looms in the heart of the warrior during the coming week. Dost thee rugged soccer mom have what it takes to rise above?

Corpses Exhumed Due to Salmonella Recall

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Fargo, ND – A complete idiot at the Food and Drug Administration’s Fargo branch mis-typed a recall order yesterday which resulted in dead bodies being exhumed at Riverside Cemetery in South Fargo. The dumbass, having heard of the Nesquik salmonella recall, engaged the recall crew with an emergency bulletin:

::SALMONELLA RECALL. PLEASE REMOVE ALL SALMONELLA::

Crews sprang to action by heading to the nearest cemetery to recall as many salmonella deaths as possible in the time allotted. Graves were dug up and crusty old body parts were flung all over the place during the frantic search. The bumbling FDA grave-robbers didn’t know exactly who they were looking for; only that they were told to recall the salmonella.

This move is being deemed a colossal blunder on the FDA’s part. Loved ones of the dead, having heard of this desecration of their friends’ and relatives’ graves, are expected to file swift legal action.

Punk Rocker Booed For Not Vomiting On Stage

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Fargo, ND – Local punk rock group Fist Munch was met with a flurry of boos after frontman Jason “DickRash” Regal failed to perform his customary mid-song vomit during a gig at the Aquarium last night. DickRash is widely known for his projectile vomit routine during the band’s hit song “Vomitosis”. His ritual consists of leading into the end chorus screaming his fucking guts out and ralphing all over the front row.

Fans were heard screaming at DickRash: “Where’s the spew, bro!” and “We want the vomit!!” “Hoark on us, maaaan!” A female patron was heard, yelling “Puke on me, DickRash! Shower me with your stinky stomach jizz!!” Another distressed fan was seen crying and blowing chunks all over the mosh pit in an effort to placate the rest of the crowd.

As soon as the boos died down, DickRash apologized to the crowd, saying “Sorry I couldn’t mouth-jizz on you freaks. I drank all the cat piss at the last gig.”

DickRash vowed to puke himself silly during the band’s next show.

Album Review: Chimaira/Chimaira

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Chimaira- Chimaira (2005)

Chimaira’s self-titled follow up to Impossibility Of Reason is not what you’d call “picking up where the band left off” but a turn in a darker, more intense direction of songwriting and guitar playing. Impossibility Of Reason came out in the year 2003 as their 3rd official studio album, the follow up to their major-label debut Pass Out Of Existence. The band toured relentlessly throughout a two-year period to promote IOR. They paid visit to small venues and arenas, their live performance reflecting the supersonic power of their studio work. This garnered them a legion of fans who i’m sure have eagerly anticipated their 4th release.  Through the creation of their first three albums, Chimaira have honed their songwriting and musical skills that have made the album Chimaira their very best. To get an idea of the band’s sound (for those of you who haven’t listened) one has to imagine this hideous mixture: A Slipknot/Metallica hybrid fueled by Jagermeister and suffering from an uncontrollable fit of ‘roid rage.  

This album has been widely considered as a kind of “epic” with songs as long as five to seven minutes in length, sans the repetitiveness and monotony you might expect. This provides a broader spectrum of experimental guitar riffs and solos sequenced with a decent mix of sampling that doesn’t go overboard. The album of course has what made Chimaira
famous- Mark Hunter’s screaming vocal talents as well as Rob Arnold’s lightning-quick guitar riffs that will make your blood shake. The song “Nothing Remains” shows true emotion on display as it was written on the very same day Dimebag Darrel Abbott was murdered. The same goes for the albums closing track “Lazarus”, a meaningful, brooding 7 & 1/2 minute mind-bender written about a friend who committed suicide 11 years ago. With Chimaira, the band evolves into a more mature and involved sound but doesn’t escape from the amped-up heaviness fans have come to expect.  

My favorite song on this disc is “Salvation”, and my very hard to choose least favorite song is “Inside the Horror.” “Salvation” contains a furious breakdown starting at about the 3:10 point that pretty much defines what metal is supposed to sound like. Unbeatable. “Inside the Horror” is my least favorite song simply because it’s the only song that lacks the sonic ferocity all the other tracks possess. I felt that what this album is missing is maybe a track or two containing some slower, drawn out riffs and a small amount of vocal melody. However, such is not part of this particular group’s M.O. They will come at you with blitzkrieg-style guitar shredding and a guttural scream that would force Coldplay through the nearest wall. All in all, I give this album a definite 10 out of 10 as one of my favorites and also one of the best metal albums ever produced.

Sample and buy the album HERE

List: Top 10 Things to Do In Fargo During Winter

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Downtown Fargo In The Winter

*sigh*

Fargo, ND – Guess what? Acutally, don’t bother guessing. We all know because we all dread it. That’s right–winter’s here! You can literally feel your guts seize up each time you step outside. Temps across the region have dropped faster and farther than a Walmart rollback. Always the low temp. Always.

That being said, the Observer has compiled a short to-do list for the coming months in an effort to help everyone cope. Here are some fun winter activities to get you through the season:

 

 

  1. GO TO MCDONALD’S- There are 8, count ’em, 8 McDonald’s restaurants in the F-M area. This strikes me as an unnecessarily high McD’s-per-capita ratio. Compare that with only two Noodles & Co., and ZERO Tokyo Joe’s. To get a better feel for how overpopulated McDonald’s restaurants are, try this: go outside right now, turn in the direction of the nearest McDonald’s and throw a rock as hard as you can. I bet you’ll hit it.
  2. DRIVE ON THE ICE- The Earth literally turns into an ice rink here in the winter. Once the snow falls, it gets compacted into a sheet of frozen tundra that has zero chance of melting until maybe April. This makes for some exciting adventures out on the streets! Bumper cars, doing donuts in any open parking lot or getting hammered and ruining some lives all become viable options when out and about in your vehicle.
  3. NOTHING- Chances are you’re afraid of the creeping death waiting for you right outside your front door. The odds of catching pneumonia and/or frostbite after leaving the house are a solid 2 to 1 (in layman’s terms, pretty much a sure thing). So what does that leave you with? Literally nothing. Survive off of what you have indoors–just don’t bother leaving the house for fear of dying due to the wind chill factor being stuck at -50 degrees Fahrenheit all hours of the day. But, if you’re feeling brave, continue to #4 on our list…
  4. TEMPT FATE- Think you’ve got what it takes to stay alive? Go outside then. I dare you. Put Old Man Winter’s abilities to the test. But before you do, pray to the good Lord in the sky that you don’t slip on the frozen tundra, fall and break your hip because if you don’t have someone there within 5 minutes to help you into your car/house, you’re a goner. Nice knowing you.
  5. BLOG ABOUT WINTER- You have a couch? Internet access? Great! Then you can tell the internet how much you despise winter. Visit twitter.com, facebook.com, tumblr.com or the comment section of this article and jam away on that keyboard. Let your fingers go numb from an activity other than contracting frostbite. Vent your frustrations to anyone and everyone willing to hear them because dammit, you have a voice!
  6. HAVE SEX- I honestly cannot think of a better way to keep warm than rubbing your body against someone else’s. Get out there right away and find a sex partner before it gets too cold out. Trust me on this. I don’t care whether you go bareback or not–that’s your call. Anyway, here’s why: a furious makeout sesh will create friction. Friction creates heat. Heat is absolutely vital to staying alive during the winter season. It makes perfect sense! I would make a run at having intercourse at least twice per hour during winter. Just saying.
  7. EXERCISE- Did you plan on hibernating this winter? Don’t! That raises the likelihood of freezing to death. Statistics say the more active you are, the warmer you will be. I would say join a local fitness center, but that would require leaving the house. Not smart. Instead, find an in-home workout routine that’s right for you. Stretch the limits of your body. Do it for your own personal wellness, but more importantly, to survive.
  8. VIDEO GAMES- Ever heard of a little game called Grand Theft Auto? I bet you have. It’s a brilliantly engineered Playstation/Xbox game that puts you in the shoes of a deranged criminal. You can steal cars and gun down pretty much anybody you see walking the streets, not to mention all the other felonies you get to perpetrate. Wrap yourself in 80 blankets, shut off the cell phone and whittle the hours away terrorizing the mean streets of “Los Santos”. Buy GTA V if you don’t have it. The game is so addicting, you’ll be old and decrepit by the time you’re sick of it.Trevor-GTAV-BurningCar
  9. METH- Maybe you’re one of those self-destructive types who loves to gamble on your life? If Breaking Bad has taught us anything, it’s that meth is badass. You can add meth to your daily routine and accomplish nearly double the amount of tasks you used to (since sleep has now become an afterthought). Be warned, however–meth use comes with some very life-altering and dangerous side-effects. Schizophrenia being one of the funnest!
  10. SNOWMOBILE- A winter activity that is performed outside and is enjoyable?? Sign me up! Oh, wait…it’s 4,000 degrees below zero. Nevermind. But you can go right ahead! It’s like taking a jet ski on land. Dashing through the snow on a motorized sled might not be a bad time as long as you can fit 27 layers of clothing on and still manage to grip the handle bars. Best of luck with that.

Well, there you have it. I’ve given you plenty to work with this year. The list is yours–please use it. Have as much fun as you can before the river floods next spring!

Block 6 Building Reportedly Haunted

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Fargo, ND – Reports have been flying in regarding spiritual activity occurring at 620 Main Avenue, the first location of the old Delendrecies department store in Fargo. The building, which was built in 1894 by Canadian entrepreneur O.J. DeLendrecies, was recently renovated into an apartment and retail space in historic downtown. This renovation appears to have angered some spirits, as there have been reports of paranormal activity by some of the building tenants:

“The wind howls at times. These ‘howls’ are almost certainly the screams of the deceased.”

“Sometimes when I enter the building late at night, I can hear the door close behind me. A spirit wanted in, but was too slow to enter.”

“When you stand by the elevator and listen, you can hear it moving. Which floor is the spirit trying to get to???” 

“I take the stairs sometimes. When i’m descending the stairs I sometimes hear a door open and footsteps behind me, as if someone were following me. Then a door closes! You can’t tell me these aren’t ghosts.”

 

 

 

 

“If you put your ear to the wall, you can hear muffled voices and even showtunes playing. Sounds to me like the ghosts of past tenants still lurking.”

 

Do we have a haunted building on our hands? The Observer will let you be the judge. Come on over and see for yourself, if you dare.

November 2012 EVENT CALENDAR: What’s Happening in November

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Fargo, ND – Here is a list of F-M Observer sponsored events and happenings taking place in the area this November.

Saturday, November 3:

PSYCHOGRAPHY: JOIN THE F-M GYPSY COALITION AS THEY LEAD YOU ON A JOURNEY THROUGH THE CAVERNS OF YOUR MIND. BRAVE UNCHARTED TERRAIN LYING DEEP WITHIN YOUR PSYCHE. 7:00 @ TEAMSTER’S UNION HALL. $20 ADMISSION. FREE HAT. SPONSORED BY THE F-M OBSERVER.

Wednesday, November 7:

WINTERIZE YOUR SOUL: INSULATE AND APPRECIATE. WORLD-RENOWNED SPEAKER TERRENCE MADISON WILL OUTLINE HIS 3-POINT PLAN ON HOW BEST TO PREPARE FOR THE WINTER SEASON. LEARN HOW TO SHUN YOUR NEEDS AND PROCRASTINATE BETTER WHILE KEEPING LOVED ONES AT BAY. 7:30 @ RAMADA CRYSTAL BALLROOM. $75 IN ADVANCE, $90 THE DAY OF THE SHOW. FREE HAT. SPONSORED BY THE F-M OBSERVER.

Saturday, November 10:

WINTER DRIVING COURSE: TOO STUPID TO REMEMBER HOW TO DRIVE IN THE SNOW AFTER ONLY 8 MONTHS?  JOIN OUR ANNUAL WINTER DRIVING COURSE SO YOU CAN RE-LEARN HOW TO SLOW DOWN WHEN THAT WHITE STUFF FALLS FROM THE SKY (WHITE STUFF IS SNOW AND WINTER IS A SEASON WHEN SNOW FALLS) FREE FOR EVERYONE.  LOCATED IN ALL HIGH SCHOOL PARKING LOTS.  FREE “MY KID IS NOT AN HONOR STUDENT” BUMPER STICKER.

Sunday, November 11:

GLADIATOR CAMP: CAMP WRAPS UP FOR THE YEAR. WE WILL BE HANDING OUT AWARDS FOR MOST VALUABLE SLAYER, MOST IMPROVED SLAYER, COMEBACK SLAYER OF THE YEAR AND OTHERS. RSVP VIA TWITTER @FMObserver IF YOU CAN OR CAN’T MAKE IT. USUAL SPOT IN THE FIELD NORTH OF HECTOR INT’L AIRPORT. FREE HAT. SPONSORED BY F-M OBSERVER.

Friday, November 23:

FARGO ASIAN FESTIVAL: MUSIC AND MARTIAL ARTS.  FREE FOR EVERYONE.  LOCATED ON SHEYENNE STREET IN WEST FARGO.

CANNIBALS ANONYMOUS sessions are held, as always, every Tuesday and Thursday of the month. Details available HERE.

Thanks, and we hope to see you soon!

Where Are They Now: Wheel of Fortune Big Winner Ken Noisewater

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Fargo, ND – $25,000. Could that dollar amount change your life? I’m willing to bet it could (even after taxes). Kenneth Noisewater landed a shot at fortune and fame; the type that could only be earned along side big Pat Sajak. Ken went on Wheel of Fortune and hit the big time. Mild-mannered Ken, an accountant by day and a father by night, netted the biggest prize of them all (at the time). He pulled the $25,000 envelope and nailed his bonus round puzzle. Little did Ken know, this would be the beginning of the end.

After owning the bonus round, Ken embraced his family, pocketed his check and went on his way. He was feeling like a star. The trip home was filled with jubilation. The family was buzzing with ideas as to what they should do with the money, but Kenneth had his own plan forming. The money had already begun to change him.

Kenneth watched as Uncle Sam took his share of the coin, then a portion of his debt took some as well. He became angry. Extremely agitated. He wanted his bonus. After all, these were WINNINGS he pocketed, not a government grant! Kenneth went out. He told the Mrs he was headed out for a few minutes to “clear his head”. He actually ended up throat-deep in the biggest alcohol bender of his life.

Noisewater went and had himself a real screamer. Took the car to bar after bar, club after club that night. Got so damn drunk he called his boss and went off. Needless to say, he was fired. Then he called his wife and went off. She hung up on him, confused. Then he called 911 and went off…of a bridge into some very troubled water.

The police said it was a miracle Kenneth survived. The river cushioned the blow, they said. Would you believe it if I told you his wife left him? Well, she didn’t. He left her out of sheer embarrassment. One wretched evening of irresponsibility transformed Kenneth Noisewater into a living legend and a complete nobody in one fell swoop.

These days, Noisewater can be found sucking around downtown with the rest of the street urchins, mumbling incoherently to himself:

“I am a rugged being. The government is too big! Three more Presidents until ruination of society. Smart people will tell ya…money is an object! Where am I? Hello. Hello. Hi. Change??”

Truly a depressing end to an unlikely winner-turned-loser story. Let me be the first to warn you, R S T L N E, 3 more consonants and a vowel can easily spell D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R.

Official Mitt Romney Press Release

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Boston, MA – With the presidential campaign in full swing, Mitt Romney has made very significant strides as the Republican front-runner. He and his running mate Paul Ryan have made their share of gaffes, and yet they trudge on. Next up on the strategery list: the Romney camp has released a statement written by Mitt himself. We bring it to you verbatim, word-for-word:

What a wild ride it has begun so far. My campaign and my family have been working very hard on a considerable campaign. We have traveled the nation, listening to stories about possible voters and undecided voters and what they really need from our Government. Now, as you all know, there has been much skepulation regarding my tax formations. Let me just say this. I have pain taxes in every year of my income. My releases have been released. So now there is no mystery suspicion. We can move on. I am eager to fulfill my guarantee of jobs in my Presidency. The Romney Presidency will have jobs in 2013. This I can guarantee. President Brock Obama has led this country in the wrong path for the last 4 years. Now it’s my turn to lead this path. This is where the men become the boys. Join me, won’t you?

This seems to us like the Romney camp is making well-timed attempt at damage control following this week’s rocky, seemingly fact-less debate performance. That, coupled with this statement of clarification is all part of a larger effort to get this campaign back on the rails. Best of luck to you, Mitt, and may the best man win.

McDonald’s Sandwich Lover Awarded $2 Million Settlement

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Pittsburgh, PA – A McDonald’s customer suing the world-famous restaurant chain for damages caused after burning himself on a hot Big Mac has won his case. Ryan Deerfield of Pittsburgh, PA took it upon himself to sue after a piping hot Big Mac burned him while he was enjoying it–but not in the way you and I are picturing. Oh no. Deerfield had taken his love for the Big Mac to a whole new level…

Have you ever heard someone profess their love for a restaurant with such vigor and enthusiasm it made you wonder what sort of drugs they were on? Well, Deerfield made his love of the McDonald’s Big Mac very apparent to store patrons one fine day back in February. According to the lawsuit, Deerfield was under quite a spell that upon ordering the Big Mac, he got so “excited” that he decided to take the sandwich to an enclosed bathroom stall where he proceeded to have “carnal relations” with the food item. Ryan had sex with his Big Mac and the meat grease burned his meat.

Ryan filed suit with the company, citing “gross negligence” for selling a sando that was “too hot to handle” much like the coffee burn victim did many years ago. Damages were awarded to the tune of $2 million dollars and a new disclaimer to be posted on the side of every McDonald’s sandwich wrapper:

“Surgeon General Warning: Sandwich not meant for external application. For internal use only.”

Congratulations, Mr. Deerfield, on being awarded for the disgusting act of sando rape. You are a despicable, deplorable human being. It behooves you to chip off the Observer some of that Big Mac love money, bud. Come on. Hook us up!