Category Archives: Editorial

Renters Complaining About Clogged Plumbing Get Told By Landlord To Go Screw Themselves

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Who you going to call? ClogBusters!

Who you going to call? ClogBusters!

Moorhead, MN – When renters Norm and Nikki Waite politely mentioned to their landlord that their sinks and toilets were all backed up, the responses they got were not what they expected.

Their landlord’s first response was to ask if they’d ever heard of a plunger?

After saying they’d tried that and it actually had made things worse, their landlord, Mr. Omar Assfaha, told them to “go buy a screwdriver and screw themselves” if they wanted the problem fixed so badly.

Rather than moving out, the Waites have decided to not pay rent until their problems have been fixed.

Until that happens, they’ve had a Potty Shack® portable toilet placed in their living room.

If you are having a similar such problem, please contact Ms. Shirley Wiggins, Director of our Class Action Lawsuit Department to discuss your options.

FMO Restaurant Review: Grand Porks

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This little piggy went to market.

Fargo, ND – Today we are reviewing a restaurant called Grand Porks. Porks is new to the Fargo area but, not surprisingly, originated in Grand Forks. Since we were both quite hungry, Nick and I decided to review this restaurant together. In order to not be recognized when we walked in, we chose to wear trench coats and aviator sunglasses for the duration of our visit.

John: After pulling into the parking lot of the Grand Porks restaurant, we parked with no problem, but valet parking would have been nice. We walked in separately so as to not cause suspicion that we were two people from a satirical news agency there to do a restaurant review. I asked for a booth in the back of the restaurant and Nick then cleverly asked for a table near the front.

Nick: Upon entering the establishment, we were immediately accosted by a gigantic man dressed in an inflatable pig costume. He blurted out through his bubbly pig helmet “Welcome to Grand Porks, thanks for PIGGING OUT with us!!” then handed us each a 10% off coupon. We were both taken aback by this but there was no time to react as we were being hastily ushered to our respective tables by the hostess. This experience was equal parts troubling and panic-inducing. ★★✩✩✩

John: En route to my back corner booth, I noticed an odd sign on the restroom door: “UniSex Bathroom. One Size Fits All.” In general, this restaurant seemed friendly, dark, and warm, which could have been because I was wearing sunglasses and a trench coat. As I sat down, the hostess handed me an attractive menu showing mostly pictures and prices. While she was filling my water glass, I asked for an appetizer recommendation to which she replied: “Why don’t you try the tickled pork belly nuggets-on-a-stick served with our famous porky jerk sauce?”, to which I replied: “Yes! Why don’t I?!”

Nick:  My waitress was an attentive 20-something from Granville, ND. A marketing major at NDSU. Although young, I could instantly tell she possessed a lifetime of experience. How did I make this conclusion so early on? Well, my first test for Grand Porks was to order a double-tall whiskey coke, no ice, no coke followed by the statement “I’ve had a rough day–time to get completely shitblasted!” just to see the server’s reaction. She handled my request with style and grace and without question. This is how I knew my dining experience would likely turn out to be a positive one. ★★★★★

John: My appetizer arrived as expected, and I attentively consumed it. T’was quite good. I ordered a different appetizer, and ate that too – also not bad. Then I ordered three random dinner entrees, since I was basically eating “for free”. They arrived. I ate them all. “What’s for dessert, I asked?” She replied: “How about a pork pound cake?” I ate that too. This is when I began watching the UniSex restroom door, for when there might be an upcoming vacancy, just in case anything I’d recently eaten didn’t fully agree with me, which it didn’t.

Nick: The dinner menu was, itself, a sight to behold. Who knew there could be such a plethora of pork permutations? I took the liberty of jotting down a few of my entrees:

  • Pork Tornado– An 8-inch fried corn tortilla shaped like a funnel, filled to the brim with carnitas, ham slop and bacon bits.
  • The Mighty Hambone– A completely un-butchered pig spine beer-battered with a 16-month old case of Michelob AmberBock®, then deep-fried.
  • Frizzle Fry Head Cheese– Head cheese as only Grand Porks can prepare it! Lightly tossed head marinated in a vegetable oil/olive oil/motor oil conglomeration, then broiled in a below-ground smoker amidst periodic sprinkles of hog sweat. Served with a side of aus jus.

Primus-Frizzle_FryI made no hesitation in ordering the Frizzle Fry, among many other entrees. It came, as requested, eyeballs intact and with visible canine incisors. It was an absolute delight. ★★★★★

John: I was feeling happily full to the gills, barely able to move toward the UniSex bathroom. While laying back in my rear corner booth, I could see Nick up front, obviously quite pork-drunk, sitting at a table near the entrance. He was trying to reach out and grab anyone who walked within six feet of his pork-covered table. It was at this moment that I knew this restaurant was a winner. During the last two hours, it had passed every test we threw at it. On a scale of 1-5, I’d have to give it 5 Pigs, which is what I told my server just before I started trying to explain to her that my meal was to be free because we were writing a serious restaurant review for a very prestigious local satirical fake news website.

Nick: Final numbers for our trip to Grand Porks:

Entrees devoured: 8.75

Double-tall drinks imbibed: 7.5

Hours spent: 4.25

Trips to the UniSex: 16

Verbal reprimands from Porks staff: 4

Dollars spent: $197

Likelihood of return: 9.4

Overall rating: ★★★★✩

Red River Zoo Adding A Rat Farm!

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Everyone loves rats!

Fargo, ND – The Red River Zoo is very proud to announce that they will soon be adding a new Rat Farm to their growing list of fun animal displays.

Their new Rat Pack will feature a number of special rats brought in from different urban centers throughout the country.

If you’ve never seen a real rat, this will be a great opportunity to observe one close up and personal.

Bring your whole family to see rats doing what rats do.

And every Wednesday and Saturday come watch the amazing Rat Race: Pick your favorite rat, place your bets, and win!

Donate Your Junker To Cars For The Blind

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Donate your car to the blind and let them see how much fun driving can be!

Junks, Louisiana – Do you have an old junker car that you’d like to get rid of?

What if you could: 1. Donate your dentmobile to a good cause, 2. Get a tax “write-off“, and 3. Win a 3-night stay in a 2-star motel?

This is zactly what happens when you donate your old junker to Cars For The Blind.

Your generous gift will be randomly given to a real blind person who will finally have a car to drive to the grocery store, and maybe even to the Mall Of America!

Cars For The Blind is also lobbying to get braille added to all of the more important traffic signs.

Thank you in advance for your generous donation to this great cause!

March Is National Eat More Vegetables Month

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Mr. Vegetable does not like being called a vegetable.

Fruita, Colorado – With March being National Eat More Vegetables Month, we decided to turn our focus on these frabjous fruits from the garden.

Healthy diets seem to always include more vegetables. First Lady Obama even has Secret Service agents growing them in her own back yard garden.

National vegetable expert Jarod Kintz has studied vegetables from every angle and has some unique and insightful thoughts on these colorfully green garden growths.

“My search was fruitless. I was searching for love, and all I found were vegetables.” –Jarod Kintz (from his book: Love Quotes For The Ages).

“Asparagus is the serpent of the vegetable world.” –Jarod Kintz (from his book: This Is The Best Book I’ve Ever Written, And It Still Sucks).

“Vegetables come from the ground. So does my love. Eat it raw.” –Jarod Kintz (from his book: The Titanic Would Never Have Sunk If It Were Made Out Of A Sink).

“Let’s make love in a garden, like a couple of vegetables.” –Jarod Kintz (from his book: Love Quotes For The Ages).

“If mannequins had mustaches, I feel there’d be more love in the world. I’ve recently started growing my own vegetables and clothes.” –Jarod Kintz (from his book: This Book Is NOT FOR SALE!).

“I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.” –Jarod Kintz (from his book: I Want).

And finally, one non-vegetable bonus quote from Jarod Kintz: “I love you because I love you, and if you don’t like it you can use my circular logic as a noose and hang yourself.” JarodKintz.com.

FM Observer To Begin Series Of Area Restaurant Reviews

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Would you like another free glass of wine before you look at our menu?

Would you like another free glass of wine before you look at our menu?

Fargo, ND – By popular demand, the FM Observer will soon begin a series of restaurant reviews of all your favorite (and non-favorite) eateries in the Fargo-Moorhead area.

Just as Fargo police drunk-driver checkpoints are unexpectedly random, so too will be our restaurant reviews.

To all F-M area restaurants, sooner or later, each one of you can expect a visit from one or more of our staff. We may not overtly identify who we are and what we’re up to. However, if we do identify ourselves, we will expect our entire meal to be free. Gratis. “On-the-house”. In either case, we will usually ask a series of questions throughout our stay and will want these questions answered immediately, such as: “What would you recommend?” We may ask for directions to the bathroom and then “accidentally” walk into the kitchen. We may order the pepper steak and send it back because it’s too peppery. Everything we do will be to thoroughly test every aspect of your establishment, from: friendliness, cleanliness, ambience, food quality and quantity, drink potency and potability, attention to details, to how you deal with problems.

To our readers: We vow to be completely unbiased and honest in our reporting, unlike the late, great Brian Williams. If you ever have any particular restaurants that you would like to suggest we critique, please do not hesitate to contact our Restaurant Review Department.

Top Ten Zen Proverbs

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The Path Of Enlightenment

Pathfork, Kentucky – Just as promised, the FM Observer is very proud to bring you the Top Ten List of Zen Proverbs.

After searching the entire world, we found for you all the best of the best when it comes to sayings about Nothing.

If you have any that you would like to add, please include them in the comment section below.

Top Ten Zen Proverbs:

#10: If you cannot find the truth right where you are, where else do you expect to find it?

#9: So little time, so little to do.

#8: Possessing much knowledge is like having a thousand foot fishing line with a hook, but the fish is always an inch beyond the hook.

#7: The quieter you become, the more you can hear.

#6: If you understand, things are just as they are; if you do not understand, things are just as they are.

#5: When you get to the top of the mountain, keep climbing.

#4: Zen is not some kind of excitement, but merely concentration on our usual everyday routine.

#3: To set up what you like against what you do not like – this is the disease of the mind.

#2: Nothing is exactly as it seems, nor is it otherwise.

#1: Even a good thing is not as good as nothing.

Father Of Modern Photography Coming To Fargo

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First picture ever taken by Andre Kertesz which he later colorized with colored pencils.

Fargo, ND – The Fargo-Moorhead Photography Club is excited to announce that Mr. Andre Kertesz who many consider to be the Father of Modern Photography will be coming to the Fargo-Moorhead area to do a photography workshop free-of-charge for the first 500 interested people who respond to this post.

This very special workshop will be held poolside (along with a cash bar) at the Biltmore Motel which is where the lovely Raquel Welch who many consider to be the Mother of Modern Photography chose to stay when visiting Fargo.

Andre Kertesz taught us to think of the camera as a tool through which we can capture a subject’s essence or the main reason why something exists.

Mr. Kertesz believed that in a random world the camera can give reason to everything around us which is how he felt after doing a black and white photo shoot with the ever-beautiful Raquel Welch whom he went on to marry and then subsequently divorce due to irreconcilable differences.

If you would like to join the Fargo-Moorhead Photography Club, simply call Mr. Marv Varvruncle at his home anytime day or night except Sundays.

Swimmable Lake Discovered On Mars!

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The discovery of a lake on Mars means there are probably fish there too!

Syrtis Major, Mars – Marsologists are excitedly reporting that a lake has been discovered on Planet Mars!

What was first observed with the Viking Orbiter has now been confirmed with the Mars Rover.

The unnamed lake is reportedly in the region that Martian topographers call the Syrtis Major Planum.

It seems that water flows into this lake from Mount Olympus which is in the Tharsis region and then eventually into the Kaiser Sea.

Top Italian Marsologist, Giovanni Schiaparelli, says: “Non siamo sicuri se il lago ha acqua normale o acqua forse pesante. Ma l’acqua è acqua, non importa quanto l’idrogeno ha.”

This translates into: “We are not sure if the lake has normal water (H2O) or perhaps heavy water (H3O). But hey, water is water, no matter how much hydrogen it has, eh?”

As to what he thinks the official name of the lake will be, Giovanni simply said: “I think maybe Justin TimberLake!?”

Chinese New Year: Year Of The Sheep

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Year of the Sheep

Year of the Sheep

Chinatown, USA – This February 19 begins the Chinese New Year which coincides with the New Moon (or as some call it: No Moon).

It will be the Year of the Sheep, Goat, or Ram and will go from Feb. 19, 2015 to Feb. 7, 2016.

The Sheep is known for being nurturing, loving, and accepting. The Year of the Sheep is a good time for expressing creativity and cultivating beauty.

For the new year, many take this opportunity to cleanse the house, symbolically sweep away all ill-fortune, and make room for good in-coming luck.

On this special occasion, common greetings include: “May your happiness be without limit” and “May you realize your ambitions”.

For this special occasion, the FM Observer has compiled a list of some of our favorite Chinese proverbs. Happy New Year!

Let the one who tied the bell on the tiger take it off.
Every advantage has its disadvantages.
A lifetime of cleverness can be ruined by a moment of stupidity.
A single slip may cause lasting sorrow.
One careless move and the whole game is lost.
You can reach the same destination by different roads.
Don’t fish in troubled waters.
Every single step leaves its print.
To say you don’t know is the beginning of knowing.
A small leak will sink a great ship.
Don’t drain the pond to get all the fish.
If you don’t want others to know about it, then don’t do it.
Control your emotion, or it will control you.
If you run after two hares, you will catch neither.
You never know how hard a task is until you’ve done it yourself.
The highest tower begins from the ground.
Well begun is half done.
The greatest joy in life is the fruit of one’s own labor.
No one is wise at all times.
A wise person is always a good listener.
Rumors stop at the wise person.
Be mindful of possible danger in times of peace.
Out of debt, out of danger.
You are not beaten until you give up.
There are bad ones among good people and good ones among bad people.
Rather go without than have something of poor quality.
Sometimes the best gain is to lose.
Take the whole into consideration, but do the job bit by bit.
Correct the mistake if you have made any and guard against it if you have not.
What cannot be cured must be endured.
Learn from others’ strength to offset one’s weaknesses.
You cannot stand on two boats and sail.
Learning is like rowing upstream, not to advance is to drop back.
Here today, gone tomorrow.
A man who makes a promise easily is apt to forget it.
A good neighbor is better than a relative afar.
An eye for an eye, and we will all go blind.
A loss may turn out to be a gain.
Nothing comes of nothing.
One hour today is worth two hours tomorrow.
The water that bears the boat can also swallow it up.
A happy wife is the key to a happy family and home life.
At birth we bring nothing with us, at death we take nothing away.