Category Archives: Editorial

Things To Know About Valentine’s Day

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This is the first known Valentine's Day card from 1921.

This is the first-known Valentine’s Day card from 1921. It’s worth an estimated $12,000,000!

Valentine, Nebraska – Most people don’t know the true history of Valentine’s Day.

Back in the early 1920’s, Dr. Valentine wanted to express to his wife how much he loved her.

As a successful heart surgeon, the shape of the heart was ubiquitous in his office.

He made the first-ever Valentine’s Day card (see picture) for his lovely wife, Lilly, on her birthday which just happened to be February 14th.

Today, Valentine’s Day cards are big business, as is evidenced by walking down the card aisle at your local grocery store.

But the really big business is collecting vintage Valentine’s Day cards.

Some of the average ones dating back to the 1920’s are worth between $20,000 to $75,000.

A few of the more rare and sought-after cards can bring millions of dollars at vintage auction houses.

If you really want to give your Valentine something special, look up in your attic for any old vintage Valentine’s Day cards that may be worth more than your fricking house!

Oh, and Happy Valentine’s Day from the FM Observer!

National Bonfire Month To Help Combat Global Cooling

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Bonfire of the Vanities

Firestone, CO – This is National Bonfire Month designed to help fight against Global Cooling and the next Glacial Age.

With average global temperatures showing a general cooling trend instead of the much-hyped global warming {More Info}, bonfires seem to be the best and logical solution.

Anyone and everyone who is capable of legally hosting a safe bonfire is being encouraged to do so during the next months and years.

“If we all pitch in and help out by building bonfires, it could really help! Plus, who doesn’t enjoy sitting around a campfire visiting with your in-laws?” says Curby Feelers, National Bonfire Advocate.

Please check your local forecast first. Make sure the windcast for the next six hours in your area is for winds of 5 mph or less.

Also, if you live in a drought-stricken area, bonfires are obviously not advised. No one wants to piss off Smokey The Bear!

So, pick up the makings for s’mores, build a bonfire in the nearest bonfire pit, and help warm things up a bit and save Planet Earth. As Curby Feelers always says: “Think global. Act local.”

The New Duplicator Machine Can Duplicate Anything!

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Whatever you put in here, you will get two! Now available wherever machines are sold!

Whatever you put in here, you will get two! Now available wherever machines are sold!

Dupo, Illinois – If you were waiting for the next new big thing by way of inventions, wait no longer. What some may think is straight out of an episode of Star Trek, is now a reality.

Brought to you by the same folks who brought you time travel, The DupliTron 3000® allows Joe Consumer to virtually and literally clone anything he can cram inside.

Just imagine being able to create a back-up of that beautifully expensive engagement ring you just purchased for your future ex-wife. Simply put it in The DupliTron 3000® and presto, you now have two!

Here’s how it works: You place an object inside the DupliCation Chamber, close the door, set your DupliCation Coordinates on full blast then hit the ‘Start’ button. The DupliTron 3000® then arranges your item’s molecular structure in just such a way that it clones each and every atom. Presto! You now have two of the same object!

Here’s what some stunned people are saying about The DupliTron 3000®:

“I am totally stunned,” said Merv Bankwood from Golden Grove, AZ.

“Seeing is believing but I still don’t,” admitted Blanche Paterson from Ronco, TX.

“Maybe I’ll buy two of them!” opined JJ Tatonio from Hato Candal, CA.

Inventors of the DupliTron 3000® strongly advise against attempting to clone anything twice. Don’t be greedy! This will result in a loss of fidelity much like what happens at the Pet Sematary. Any twice-cloned items will come out disfigured and rank with pure evil. Do not do this! You can’t sue the company if you’re dead.

Look for your DupliTron 3000® at any stores where cool stuff is sold. With your very own duplication machine, your imagination is the only limit!

Prejudicial Scapegoating OK Except When It Comes To Goats

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These goats are pissed off, and for good reason.

These goats are pissed off, and for good reason.

Social Circle, Georgia – We all know that in the world of social psychology, the breakdown of healthy family relationships can result in nasty prejudicial scapegoating.

But don’t try telling that to these goats, who say they will have nothing of the sort!

When it comes to unresolved conflicts that can threaten the stability and continuity of family relationship systems, count these goats out. They’re not playing the Scapegoat Game, if you will.

“Anyone who is ‘different’ often becomes the victim and therefore becomes punished by the others”, explained a clearly upset spokesgoat for the Goat Group. “And more often than not, scapegoats who attempt to address unresolved family conflicts end up being held responsible for the very problems they are trying to rectify!”

Luckily, these goats have a time-tested solution which they have found works for them and will hopefully also apply to you and your messed up family situation.

The answer lies in simply disentangling all of the interlocking pathologies that have grown together like weeds in an abandoned garden from which you and your family used to derive pleasure, joy, and that wonderful togetherness which Father Goat intended for all in His flock.

So now, get the flock out of here and go find some greener pastures in which to practice the art of prejudicial scapegoating avoidance.

Advice: What To Do If Your Dog Thinks He’s Darth Sidius

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sidius

Is your dog the ruler of the Galactic Empire?

Perhaps you’ve noticed your dog doing strange things lately? I know I have. Recently, my dog has been wearing a blanket like a cloak, glaring at me with sinister, glowing eyes and growling eerie renditions of Star Wars movie quotes. When he’s bored he loves to huddle under his cloak and mutter “send a fleet to the far side of Endor” in between bites of his Nylabone.

My dog thinks he’s Darth Sidius.

This behavior is all-too common in young animals as they adjust to the changing seasons. It happens most frequently in winter months, during which they don’t spend enough quality time outdoors. They become restless. Fearsome. Drunk with the mystic powers of the Dark Side.

But don’t panic! Your dog will cease his concerns over Luke Skywalker becoming a Jedi all in due time. The trick is to play along. Answer his growls with a retort similar to one that Darth Vader would have given during Return Of The Jedi. He’ll love it! Eventually, he’ll return to his playful, non-Emperor Palpatine self—just as soon as you convince the younger Skywalker to join the Dark Side as a Jedi Master.

Another FMO Adult Education Class: Computer Maintenance

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Computer Maintenance is as easy as 1-2-3!

West Fargo, ND – The FM Observer is proud to bring you another free on-line adult education class.

We here at the FM Observer believe learning should never stop.

As Fred Robertson always says: “Instruction ends in the school-room but education ends only with life.”

In this latest installment of our free on-going on-line classes, we turn our attention to: Computer Maintenance.

Everyone knows that the best person to teach such a class is any random 4th grader from the area.

Spencer Haskins, who is 10 years old, has put together some great tips and tricks to help you with your computer. Enjoy!

  • To speed up your random access memory swaps, remove the hardrive with a pliers and scrub it down with some steel wool pads that have been soaked in warm rubbing alcohol.
  • A common mistake most computer owners make is to not take their new computer completely apart when they first remove it from the box.
  • To protect your computer from unwanted viruses, wrap it in a towel and then in a combination of duck tape and aluminum foil which should keep out those nasty malwares.
  • If your computer is running as slow as a government worker, try pouring some espresso onto the main power drivebox.
  • To switch out your spambox, first calibrate your functional load capacitator which should be listed on the motherboard back safety panel.
  • If you sense your computer is developing a negative capacity backload, try reloading the spark magnets which are available at any Ace hardware store.
  • To check your switchload relay box, remove the amp pad and rewire it over to the torsion bar equalizers.
  • Try to not let your cookies touch your firewall as you may experience a burning smell not unlike your doorbellbox on Halloween eve.
  • To calculate your overall bandwidth, carefully measure the width of your band and then multiple by the band thickness (measured in nanometers).
  • To clean your keyboard, hold it upside down with both paws and begin hitting it onto the edge of your kitchen counter until all the keytops have become unattached.
  • If your modem is running slowly, it could just be cold, so simply grab another analog and throw it on the firewall.

New PolyPax Chance To Turn Your Life Around

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Get PolyPax. Go PolyPax. Live PolyPax.

With PolyPax, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Venturia, ND – Polypax Corporation is now accepting applications for extremely motivated entrepreneurs to expand the PolyPax domination of the PolyPax marketplace world-wide.

If you have moderate to zero experience using any previous PolyPax make or models and have not been convicted of more than one felony in the past six months, PolyPax wants to talk to you immediately in Conference Room B.

“Why make 10% of 10% of the profits when you can make 90% of 90% of the profits”, says Bev Shepler from Idaho Springs, Colorado.

And it’s all Tax-Free!

“As a night-shift accountant, PolyPax Corporation really seems to have their ducks in a row”, believes Harold Block, who’s had PolyPax installed in every room of his garden-level apartment.

Hurry to contact PolyPax today!

Dumpster Johnstone says: “I am so glad my x-wife told me about PolyPax. Now that we’re re-married again, this time it might actually work out just like in the movies, thanks to PolyPax.”

Ask to arrange for a free MRI at any of the three participating Radiological Convenience Stations.

Use Friend Code “PolyPax-123” when they ask who gets the kickback.

PolyPax President Mukesh Bindra: “Once you try the PolyPax advantage without experiencing any of the many possible adverse side effects, you will never not want PolyPax again, guaranteed!”

Go PolyPax! Get PolyPax! Love PolyPax! Live PolyPax! And do it today before PolyPax Corporation gets shut down by curiously persistent Federal Regulators!

Should Fargo Turn Its Telephone Booths Into Hyperbaric Chambers?

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is-this-a-futuristic

Streetside hyperbaric prototype

Fargo, ND—As our nation continues the technological migration toward hand-held cellular communication, cities around the country are getting creative with ways to repurpose their now-useless phone booths.

The FM Observer is left to wonder: What if Fargo put some of that taxpayer money towards a little oxygen therapy? Should Fargo turn its talkboxes into hyperbaric chambers that its citizens can use to replenish their O² levels at roughly 4.4 PSI above the Earth’s atmospheric pressure? Obviously!

Should city leaders construct an oxygen rejuvenation station where that rusty old payphone used to be? We think so. We feel like Fargoans could benefit from easy access to Hyperbaric Oxygen Therapy (HBOT) by way of self-contained coin-operated compression chambers. 

Would you approve such a measure? Could you see yourself inside a Broadway sidewalk HBOT prototype jolting spastically from a hyperoxic seizure? Let us know in the comments!

Art Show To Help Dog Owners Buy More Dog Food For More Dogs

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“Dog Food Factory” by Amsterdam Douglass

West Fargo, ND – The FM Observer will soon be hosting an art sale to help assist pet owners who cannot afford to buy food for their ever-hungry pets.

FMO Staff artist Amsterdam Douglass has donated his famous “Dog Food Factory” painting to get the ball rolling. Hopefully other area artists will jump on board once they see the benefit of helping people feed their dogs so that we can perhaps increase the overall pet population in our area.

Jerry Mumbo, Executive Director of Feed Animals Today (FAT) believes it’s good to increase people’s dependency on supplemental sources of incomes.

“By helping low-income dog owners purchase dog food for their little Shih-Tzus, this might encourage these people to eventually add a dog or two to their pack thus increasing their need for further assistance.” says Jerry.

Mr. Mumbo: “I’m sure everyone agrees it’s a real win/win situation: Hungry dogs get fed. Dog owners have more money to spend on beer and cigarettes. The assistance program creates good-paying jobs, like mine. And finally, neighborhoods throughout our area will end up with more and more dogs to shit in our yards and bark during our sleep.”

If you would like to help, dial any random phone number and tell whomever answers that you love dogs, especially when they’re untrained and off-leash.

Top Ten Norwegian Proverbs

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Greetings from Norway! This is no joke.

Hammerfest, Norway – The entire FM Observer staff is here in Hammerfest, Norway for their annual Hammerfest. We also needed to buy a hammer for our workshop and decided this would be the perfect place to do some hammer shopping.

While here, we discovered that Norway is known for much more than all those Norwegian jokes. Ole and Lena’s country is also rich with some wonderful and wise old proverbs.

So, as promised during a beer toast, here is our much-awaited list of the Top Ten Norwegian Proverbs, brought to you by the FM Observer, and by the entire country of Norway. Enjoy!

#10: Do not sell the hide until you have shot the bear.

#9: A small grass tuft can topple a big cart load.

#8: Carve your good words in stone, the bad in snow.

#7: Behind the clouds, the sky is always blue.

#6: No one can help someone who will not help themselves.

#5: There is hope as long as your fishing line is in the water.

#4: Do not report the weather while standing in a garage.

#3: An empty head gets the easiest sleep.

#2: No such thing as bad weather, only bad clothing.

#1: More cooks make a bigger mess.