Category Archives: Editorial

Looking Back On Some Of The Top Stories In 2014

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Another eventful year!

It’s the perfect time once again for a quick and final review of some of the biggest stories on the FM Observer in the last year.

From my perspective, here is the Top Ten List for 2014:

10. Blind Bowler Bowls Back-To-Back Perfect Games – Read story here

9. GM Recall Expands To Every Car Ever Made – Read story here

8. Fargo Named Drunkest City In America – Read story here

7. Fargo’s ESPN Game Day Crowd Swells To A Million – Read story here

6. North Dakota Gets Its Own NFL Team Franchise – Read story here

5. Star Trek’s USS Enterprise Coming To Fargo – Read story here

4. WE Fest Cancelled Due To Diseased Tick Invasion – Read story here

3. Moorhead Haunted House Worth Avoiding – Read story here

2. FM Observer Becomes Dominant Area News Source – Part 1  Part 2  Part 3

1. We lost Cody Marthaller, Co-Founding Father of the FM Observer – Part 1  Part 2

Happy New Year 2015 from the FM Observer! If you must drink and drive, drink water.

Ask FMO: How To Keep Your Dog From Pissing On Your Christmas Tree

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I see. A tree. I pee.

I see. A tree. I pee.

Christmas Valley, OR – A reader asks: Dear FMO, We love our dog Bruno. We also love having a real Christmas tree inside our home. But we don’t love it when Bruno pees on our tree (and presents). Is there a way to prevent this? Thanks, Yuri Nator.

Thank you Yuri for your great question. We get this particular question a lot!

There are things you can try in order to prevent this such as: putting up a fence around the perimeter of the tree area, or providing alternative spots for Bruno to go like a fake indoor fire hydrant, or you could even implement the use of a shock collar.

But unfortunately there are just certain things that simply go against the basic laws of nature, such as: we cannot stop the flow of hot lava, the Minisoda Vikings will never win the Super Bowl, and Big Government will never choose to reduce its own size.

So, the short answer to your question is: NO. But please let us know if you figure out a solution to your problem so we can share it with all the rest of our millions of readers.

The FM Observer Asks: What Time Is It?

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time

Fargo, ND—Are you a literate human? Were you taught basic fundamental math as a child? Can you tell time? Then the FM Observer wants to talk to you!

What numbers are the big and little hands on your wristwatch currently on? Are you sane? Can you see the forest for the trees? The FM Observer wants to know. Tell us what time you think it is, if your brain can comprehend it.

Is there a digital clock on your cell phone, or is your phone a dried-up banana? Were your fingers bitten off by a chupacabra? Unless you’re trapped in a time capsule that was fused shut by the military in an attempt to cryogenically preserve your body for future research, you should tell us what time it is.

How many times do we need to ask you? Our shrink is getting very concerned now that we’ve pulled a no-show for our daily therapy session. If you’d only tell us what time it is, we could go have our head examined. Please! What freaking time is it, in your solitary and desolate corner of the Earth??

Ok, here’s the deal. Tell us what time it is and we’ll let little Timmy go. The choice is yours. His life is in your hands. The clock is ticking…what’s it gonna be?

“Yay, Another New Phonebook, Just What I Needed!” Said Nobody

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Super Smart Use Of Trees

Super Smart Use Of Trees

Everywhere, USA – Over the last decade, nearly every facet of our society has embraced the concept of going paperless.

We’re encouraged – sometimes downright shamed – to reduce our paper waste by doing everything we can, from recycling paper products and paying our bills online to bringing our own reusable bags to the grocery store.

So how is it possible in this age of awareness and technology that, roughly every three months, a giant tome of totally unnecessary information printed in the world’s smallest font shows up again, unrequested, on our doorsteps?

The FMObserver is here to help with a few solutions for this outrageously outdated squandering of natural resources.

1. Send us your creative ideas for using extra phonebooks, which we will compile into a huge informational guide and distribute city-wide.
2. Hoard your phonebooks until June, when the FMO will use them for kindling at our Readers Appreciation Campfire & S’Mores Party.
3. (Recommended) Opt out of auto-delivery by going online to yellowpagesoptout.com

We hope you’ll join us in the fight against excess in our community! Well, excess phonebooks, anyway.

Vote YES On Ballot Measure 11: Make FMO The Official Website Of North Dakota

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Where the urinal?

Where’s the urinal?

Bismarck, ND – If you care about the future of North Dakota, like we do, then make sure to vote YES on Measure #11!

This important ballot measure would make the FM Observer the official website of the state of North Dakota forever.

It would also take 1% of the oil extraction revenue and give it to the FM Observer to “do with as it wishes”.

Many have praised the FM Observer for its recent cutting-edge coverage of the Ebola Pandemic as well as the latest on the Downtown Fargo Vomit issue.

If you want good things to happen that will positively affect you and your family, vote YES on Measure 11.

If you don’t want your family to be living out of a box behind Walmart, vote YES on Measure 11.

If you want to show your appreciation to the FM Observer, as do most sane people living in North Dakota, vote YES on Measure 11.

Measure 11 is as important as Measure 5 and Measure 6 combined.

If you cannot find Measure 11 on your voting ballot, immediately cry foul and call for a complete investigation of that voting precinct, with a serious threat of a lawsuit.

Vote for Measure 11 to get whatever you want, for free, and delivered to your front door, no questions asked.

Meditation Tents One Way To Combat Stress From Mosquitos

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Using the power of the pyramid to fight off the nasty needle-nosers.

West Fargo, ND – Have you been wanting to meditate in your back yard but just could not because a thousand mosquitoes wanted to suck your blood?

The FM Observer feels your pain and offers a simple answer to your problem: The Jungle Meditation Tent!

This is something you can buy, build, or borrow. However you procure it, it will cure your problem.

Hundreds of backyard meditators in the West Fargo area who’ve gotten fed up with the mosquito feeding frenzies they’ve recently witnessed are now safely and calmly chanting their mantras mosquito-free thanks to their Jungle Meditation Tents.

For additional help to win the fight against those mosquito terrorists, here is another possible solution you can try.

Mix up the following concoction for a hose-end spray bottle to effectively drive away mosquitoes: 1/3 stale beer (any kind), 1/3 Epsom salt, and 1/3 mouth wash (with alcohol).

Put the mixture in your garden feeder and spray down your lawn, bushes, patios and any areas that look suspicious for those breeding blood suckers.

This solution could smell a little funny at first, but quickly dissipates, leaving your yard mosquito-free and meditation-friendly!

UPDATE: For more good information on this subject, please visit: Best Mosquito Repellent Guide: How to Efficiently Prevent Mosquito Bites

Dr. Willy Nilly Discusses Living With Phlebitis

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When phlebes bite us, you have phlebitis

When phlebes bite us, you have phlebitis

Fargo, ND – Dr. Willy Nilly MD is an expert in disease-carrying ticks as we have recently seen.

The FMO’s doctor friend would now also like to share some tips and tricks for folks who suffer from phlebitis.

FMO: Dr. Willy Nilly, what is phlebitis and how did it get its name?

DWN: First, my heart goes out to anyone who has phlebitis, which is painful blood clotting in the legs. The name comes from an early belief that a small phlebe would actually “bite us” thus causing the pain in the lower extremities. It was later learned that the lower leg pain comes from an inflammation of the phlebes, which is one of my particular areas of specialty.

FMO: What about trombone-phlebitis?

DWN: Trombone players are especially susceptible to phlebitis because of the amount of air pressure required to fill their long horn tubes.

FMO: What tips and tricks can you share for phlebitis sufferers?

DWN: After a half century of focused study, my advice would be:
1. Stop taking the pill (unless it’s asspirin).
2. Wear special support stockings.
3. Walk instead of drive or fly to your destination.
4. Don’t smoke cigarettes in bed.
5. Do as many jumping jacks as possible 3 times a day.
6. Do a head-stand while watching TV.
7. Attend local Phlebitis Support Groups for the latest information.

If you have phlebitis and would like Dr. Willy Nilly and his staff to visit you at your home, simply dial 1-800-WILL-NILL. Please leave a detailed message describing your problem and any other pertinent information that might help Dr. Willy Nilly help you.

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Insane Ramblings From Random Drunk Bar Patron

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bar_patronThere she was.  Right there in the corner.  I knew I knew her from somewhere.  Was she supposed to be there on purpose?  Did god intend for us to meet at this exact moment?  Was this all planned?

My mind was racing.

I suppose I should go talk to her.  Nah.  Maybe after another drink.  Yea, keep telling yourself that pal.

Now i’m sweating.

What if I smell?  I can’t go talk to her if I smell.  I’d blow it.

Alright, calm.  I can do this.  I got up from my chair and slowly made my way over.

My heart was racing!  Right as the light hit her face……No!  This couldn’t be!  It was then that I had realized it was the same woman who gave me herpes a couple years back.

I immediately hung a right and out the door I went.

Questions To Ask Before Joining A Religion

Questions To Ask Before Joining A Religion Part II

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Questions To Ask Before Joining A Religion

If you haven’t read Part I, then you should because it is very educational.  Below are more questions everyone should consider asking before joining a religion.

 

Are there mermaids?

Will peppers be readily available in the afterlife?

And television?  Free access?  Wifi?

During congregation, must I wash my hands after the bathroom?

If I choose to follow, how long do I have to follow for?

If there is a paradise, who tends the garden?

Is there any stoning?  Stoning sounds fun.  I mean awful.  It’s just awful.

What is considered ‘sex’?

Can I dress like a ninja?  All day?

Can I participate in a sacrificial killing at least once per day?

Are there any kind of spells or such things?

Are there any kind of special dances I must do?

Can I use donation money for personal use?

Will animal cookies still exist after I die?