Category Archives: Editorial

Dr. Finance On Making Big Money With Garage Sales

Leave a reply
caption here

Think of your garage as a mini Wal-Mart store.

Fargo, ND – As promised, Dr. Finance is back once again to help answer any financial questions that you may have. Since almost everything is somehow related to money, Dr. Finance can help with most any question that is scratching your head.

Today’s question comes from Trudi Milkweed from Money, Mississippi. Trudi asks, “Dear Dr. Finance, can my family and I ever make a million dollars just by having a bunch of garage sales?”

Dr. Finance: Well, Mrs. Milkweed from Moneytown, the short answer is “Yes”. You and your family, if properly motivated, can certainly expect to earn a million dollars by having garage sales. The reason why I am so confident about this is because Dr. Finance has personally done it!

If your family has a thousand garage sales, each earning $1,000, that would be your million dollars right there. Five hundred garage sales each earning $2,000 would also get you to your goal. If you set your goal, and have it in writing up on your wall, and look at it every day, it will happen. Here’s how:

In order to have that many garage sales, you will need a continuous flow of stuff to sell. Use your God-given brainstormer to come up with as many ways of cheaply finding items to sell as you can.

For instance, you’all can find under-priced items at other garage sales, search all the charitable stores for fixer-uppers, ask companies for donation items, have your family members make craft items, make baked goods, breed kittens and puppies from stray animals you find, sell fresh garden items from your garden or someone else’s garden, and so on and so forth. The possibilities are endless. Have the kids constantly working to keep those sale shelves stocked. Have your husband quit his job to help out on a full-time basis.

Trudi, you need to start thinking of your garage as a Mini-Walmart. Have good signage to route people to your driveway. Make sure you have colorful balloons out. Set your prices low enough to sell but high enough to make some profit. I hope that helps. Good luck to you, and please let us know when you have reached your goal!

Previous helpful articles by Dr. Finance include: Underwater Mortgage Problems and Making Money By Reading The FM Observer.

Insane Ramblings From Random Drunk Bar Patron

Insane Ramblings From Random Drunk Bar Patron

1 Reply

 

It was a rainy dark night. I opened the bright bar doors.  BotInsane Ramblings From Random Drunk Bar Patronh had a green and red neon sign on it.

I walked in and sat at the bar.  The table was sticky and smelled of stale beer.  Luckily the bar stool had a back to it considering the day I had.  I was sore.

I got the bartender’s attention and ordered a tall beer.  Took a gulp of it right away.  Boy was it good.

There was a band playing in the dimly lit corner.  A slender fellow with a harmonica in his hand.  His music was very soothing.

After watching and listening to the music for a while, seven beers and a shot later to be exact, I started to doze off.  One second I heard the harmonica off in the distance, the next I hear the sound of waves crashing.  I was at a beach god knows where.  The water was crystal clear.  I had to go into it.  I walked slowly into the ocean until the water was up to my belly button.  Getting my shorts entirely wet.

That’s when I awoke and realized I pissed myself in front of everyone.

 

– Insane Ramblings From Random Drunk Bar Patron

Friends of the site: Please read this very real, very serious announcement.

Leave a reply

ab6d6293-bda9-4632-bdc7-478ea6059871Early in 2012, a close friend of mine, a brilliant man, a fan of comedy and laughter by the name of Cody Marthaller, came to me with an idea. He said “Nothing bonkers ever happens in Fargo. How bout we make our own satirical news on our own website?” Of course, I was all for it. Thus, the FM Observer was born. At first, we experimented with spinning actual current events into wild, nutty stories. Then we got overly-creative and began completely making things up. As the content evolved, the site itself underwent many cosmetic changes—all made possible by Cody. He built this thing for us from the ground up and is the man who made it all happen. Since then, there has been a plethora of hilarious, irreverent and at times legitimate content that we’ve all enjoyed—and i’m here to tell you that NONE of it would exist without Cody.

Now we’re asking for a little something in return. Later that same year, in the fall of 2012, Cody was diagnosed with a very rare but treatable form of small-cell lung cancer. He’s singlehandedly kept the site going while fighting this battle ever since then. Now he’s in need of our help. He’s reached his financial limits (having not been able to work for quite some time) and as a result, he’s set up a donation website to raise money for medical costs incurred during this very long, very arduous ongoing battle.

Friends of the site and friends of Cody himself, I implore you to consider a donation. The link is below. Your contribution will not go unnoticed and will bring him every step closer to winning the fight for his life.

http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/trying-to-beat-cancer/186890

Tear Duct Implants Gaining Popularity in Washington

Leave a reply
caption here

Tears beginning to flow in Washington.

Washington, D.C. – A new cosmetic surgery trend is sweeping the nation’s capital. Tear duct implants, also known as “Sad Sacs”, are becoming increasingly popular among politicians whose inability to connect with their constituents has left them with few other options. The implants, which are surgically inserted into the lower eyelid, draw liquid from the body and store it in small sacs. The liquid can then be released on cue by activating the “Cry Button”, a wireless device that is carried by the user.

According to Dr. Hope Leslie, M.D., “Getting misty-eyed is something that happens naturally for most of us when we feel strong emotions. The problem for the majority of elected officials is that they are complete sociopaths, utterly incapable of human empathy. This leaves them at a real disadvantage when it comes to relating to others. Sad Sacs give these politicians the ability to at least appear like they can understand someone else’s suffering. Quite honestly, it’s the closest thing to compassion we’re ever going to see in Washington.”

“I just plain do not care about people, and that’s been a challenge for my campaign,” admitted one Senator who asked to remain anonymous. “I mean, I’ve literally laughed in some of my voters’ faces when they’ve told me how hard their lives are. Now I can turn on the waterworks and by God, it seems like I actually give a damn. These Sad Sacs are just unbelievable.”

Despite their effectiveness, developers admit there are still a few glitches with the implants. “Generally, the problems have been behavior-related,” explained Dr. Leslie. “Things like Congressmen pumping their Cry Buttons too fast in order to squirt others in the face, or the Vice President stealing the Speaker’s wireless device. We’re looking at requiring some maturity training classes, and beefing up security features. All in all, though, demand for the procedure is through the roof. We’re confident that, at least on Capitol Hill, Sad Sacs are here to stay.”

FM Observer Announces Summer Camp 4 New Observers

Leave a reply
caption here

You will love spending time with Mother Nature and her mosquitos will love you.

The FM Observer is excited 2 announce FMO Summer Camp. If you like 2 have a good time and are considering satirical writing as your chosen profession, then this camp is totally 4 you. This year’s exciting theme is: Imagine The Possibilities!

Each camp outing is a full 1-day experience which is cleverly sandwiched between 2 nights of sleeping in a tent. Here is the likely schedule 4 your full day of training…

DAY BREAKER (at Sun Rise)
Meet & Greet/Coffee & Name Tags: This is a chance 2 suck down some hot java, shake off the cobwebs, make some good first impressions, and try 2 find your phone. Each camper makes their own nametag by using a wood burner on a thin slice of authentic birchwood, which is then held around your neck with a real leather cord!

EARLY MORNING SESSIONS (All sessions are taught by various FMO Staff Members, sometimes decided by a last-minute coin flip, or by process of elimination.)
1. How 2 Observe: The basix 4 success in this biz.
2. Beginning Satire Training: What is and is not Satire?
3. Advanced Satirical Engineering: Some real exciting stuff!

LATE MORNING SESSIONS
4. How 2 Show Confidence: Attitude is everything.
5. Knowing Your Audience: Relationship building 4 life.
6. Expect The Unexpected: Always be prepared 4 anything.

LUNCH BREAK-OUT SESSION
7. Dealing With Twitter Trolls: Criticizing your critics.

EARLY AFTERNOON SESSIONS
8. Know The Difference Between Your/You’re
9. Know The Difference Between There/Their/They’re

LATE AFTERNOON SESSIONS
10. How 2 Be A Gladiator: Become a real fighter.
11. Focusing On Viral Content: Always think big.

EVENING GETOGETHER
12. AfterGlow: Caring & Sharing/Issues & Tissues
After an in-tents day of training, campers are encouraged 2 share their feelings about what they have been exposed 2 and how they are internally processing it all. Also, if you have ever been convicted of a felony, this would be a good time 2 discuss it.

LATE NIGHT BREAK-OUT SESSIONS
13. Understanding FMO By-Laws & Their Nuances: Some important stuff 2 know.
14. How 2 Know When A Bonfire Is Out-of-Control: This is a great reality check.

Disclaimer: By attending FMO Summer Camp, this in no way guarantees that you will become an official FM Observer. Only the best & brightest are then possibly selected 2 undergo an intense battery of tests 2 determine if they can go on 2 the next level of selectability. No bullying by campers will be tolerated unless it is during a bullying role-play exercise that is held as a part of a legitimate supervised training session. Also, each camper will need 2 bring with them their own food, beverages, tent, and camping supplies. They will also need 2 bring $500 cash in a sealed envelope 2 pay 4 the training sessions. No guns of any kind will be allowed on the premises. However, if FMO Summer Camp is attacked by bears, coyotes, or wolves, anyone with some other type of weapon that proves 2 be effective against the wild predators will score some major points with the FMO Staff.

Replace Your Insomnia With 15 Possible Side Effects

Leave a reply
CAPTION HERE

I only sleep with people I love, which is why I have insomnia.

Sleepy Eye, MN – Are you one of the millions of frustrated people who have trouble sleeping at night? Maybe you should consider doing what many other desperate insomniacs do. Perhaps you need to get hooked on Ambien.

Most agree that the best cure for insomnia is sleep. And the best way fall asleep is to pop an Ambien. Ambien lurks under many nicknames, such as: Intermesso, Zolpidemic, Insania, Hypnotica, and Silent Night. If you want your Ambien to work quickly, avoid the “CR” version, which is Controlled Release. The non-CR tablets will hit you like a brick, hopefully knock you out within 15 minutes, and will last for about 2-3 hours, if you’re lucky.

Unfortunately, the possible side effects from taking Ambien include: headaches, nausea, vomiting, dizziness, hallucinations, delusions, increased appetite, increased libido, amnesia, altered thought patterns, loss of balance, poor motor coordination, impaired judgment, uninhibited extroversion, and increased impulsivity.

However, can you imagine trying to fall asleep while you’re dizzy, nauseated, and vomiting, and while experiencing a raging headache, bizarre hallucinations, grand delusions, ravaging hunger, and an off-the-chart libido? Plus, if and when you ever dare stop taking Ambien, your insomnia will rebound with a vengance, way worse than it was before.

Zolpidom_10mg__generic_ambien_2

All this might help explain why Ivan Lopez recently went postal during the latest shooting at Fort Hood. He chose to choose Ambien for his problems, just like you can.

When trying to reach Army officials at Fort Hood for comment, they were all zonked out on Ambien. When trying to reach the French pharmaceutical company Sanofi-Aventis for comment (which sells Ambien in the United States), we didn’t understand a fricking word they said because they rudely insisted upon speaking French.

Johnnny’s 100th Post Retrospective

1 Reply
My first one hundred posts. Pretty soon I can build a fence.

My first 100 posts. Now I can build a fence.

Since 100 is such a nice round number, I decided to use the occasion of my 100th post to take a trip down memory lane. It’s time to look back on my first 99 posts on FMObserver.

All posts are listed as hyperlinks in chronological order. About half of them will have a bonus link indicated as “(pic)” which will show the post’s associated picture, in its full glory. Enjoy!

1. Young Local Chess Master Has Big Plans
2. Cat Receiving Monthly Social Security Checks
3. Tom Cruise Certain Scientology Not A Hoax
4. Sam Houston Having Nightmares About Bison
5. Lunatics Banned From Washington DC
6. Gay Love Donkeys To Be Married
7. Boeing 787 Is (Almost) A Dream Machine
8. Dr. Finance Answer$ Your Money Question$
9. Elmo Charged With DUI and Public Disturbance (pic)
10. Fargo To Build System Of Tunnel Roads (pic)
11. Professional Pie Shoppe Franchise Opportunity (pic)
12. New Flashcards Make Learning Chinese Easy
13. Dog Show Winner Actually A Polar Bear! (pic)
14. State Insane Asylum Reopens Due To High Demand (pic)
15. Dr. Finance Answer$ Another $tupid Que$tion
16. Downtown Fargo To Have Permanent Alcohol Checkpoints (pic)
17. New Jersey Governor Making Fat Be Cool (pic)
18. VooDoo Sun Doctor To Fix Global Warming (pic)
19. Start Your Own Bucket List Club
20. Fargodome Target Of Wacko Protest Group
21. Fargo To Legalize Pot Holes (pic)
22. Barbara Walters Being Retired To A Stud Farm
23. Missing Artwork Has Authorities Perplexed (pic)
24. Winter Storm Xerxes Anger & Danger
25. New Barcode Causing Nausea & Vertigo (pic)
26. Many Restaurants Starting To Go Glutton-Free (pic)
27. Washington Redskins Name Change Contest
28. Learn To Count Just Like Indians (pic)
29. Time Traveler To Speak In Fargo 14 Months Ago (pic)
30. President Attacked By Young Tea Party Organizer (pic)
31. How To Say A Useful Phrase In 10 Languages (pic)
32. Timberlake Concert Cancelled, Replaced By Barrel O’ Monkeys (pic)
33. Goat-Boat Woman To Challenge The Mississippi (pic)
34. Area Cats Tripping On Acid (pic)
35. Are You A Loser?
36. Math Class Replaced By Black Jack Studies
37. New Bridge Freaking Some People Out (pic)
38. New Multi-Bike Is What’s Hot This Summer
39. Jail To Offer Square Dancing As Threat Or Bribe
40. Government Spy Birds Are Watching You
41. Paula Deen Dropped From Human Race
42. Red River Valley Fair Freak Show
43. FM Observer Wins Best Website Award
44. Google To Image Inside Of All Homes
45. White Man To Marry Black Bear (pic)
46. Obama To Take Over Leno’s Tonight Show
47. Russian 2014 Olympics To Be Celebration Of Gayness
48. An Interview With Vice President Dan Quayle
49. Hot New 2-Man White Rap Group Busts A Move
50. Pink Eye SuperBug Is Highly Contagious (pic)
51. New Government Board Game: The Red Line
52. FMO Interviews The Queen Of England (pic)
53. Time To Vote For the Worst In The FM Area
54. How To Get Rid Of Man Boobs
55. Local Artist Unveils New Masterpiece (pic)
56. Local Cemeteries To Double As Paintball Parks (pic)
57. Jodie Foster Admits To Being Part Alien (pic)
58. Government Healthcare Bullies Americans Into Giant SNAFU
59. Flamingo Union To Go On Strike (pic)
60. Santa’s Warning Letter To Naughty Children
61. New Trans-Sexual Hair Salon Opens In Moorhead
62. Downer Changing Its Name To Xanax (pic)
63. How To Build An Underground Bunker (pic)
64. Red River Diversion On Hold Due To Analysis Paralysis (pic)
65. Kangaroo Boxing Coming To Fargo (pic)
66. West Fargo Teacher Stung By A Sting Operation (pic)
67. Snoopy Banned From Parade For Using Inhalants (pic)
68. OBAMACAR: If You Like Your Car, You Can Keep Your Car (pic)
69. Coach Bohl To Become Pastor Bohl
70. FM Observer Invites Russians To Bookmark Our Website
71. McDonald’s To Introduce Two New Sandwiches
72. Get Your Ass To The Moon Soon
73. Results From Our Year-End Photo Caption Contest!
74. Do You Know Whose Mouth This Is?
75. Quarterback Aaron Rodgers Denies That He Denied Being Gay
76. Priceless Document Eaten By Fargo Dog
77. Dr. Fenster Helps Answer Some Baby Questions
78. Fargo Proud To Be Named Drunkest City In America
79. Breaking Bad Creating New Crop Of Chemists
80. North Korean Glee Club To Tour America (pic)
81. New Events Being Added To Winter Olympics
82. FM Observer Asks: How Fricking Cold Is It? (pic)
83. Justin Beaver Pleads Drunk To All Charges
84. New FDA Drug Approved For Your Sick Dog (pic)
85. Maui Parrot-Fish Learns To Speak Fluent Underwater English (pic)
86. Super Bowl Pizzas Delivered By Drones (pic)
87. Four Easy Steps To Self-Hypnotic Bliss (pic)
88. Free Personalized Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas
89. All-Candy Diet Promoted By Candy Companies (pic)
90. UFO Sighting In North Dakota Caught On Camera (pic)
91. The Queen Of England Wants Stonehenge Moved To Buckingham Palace
92. Help Fargo Police Investigate Convenience Store Robbery
93. Williston Overcrowding & Lack Of Housing Taking Its Toll (pic)
94. FM Observer Goes Corporate With Initial Public Offering (pic)
95. Blind Bowler Bowls Back-To-Back Perfect Games (pic)
96. New York Sinkhole Continues To Swallow Victims (pic)
97. Alarmists Say Rising Spring Temps Evidence Of Global Warming
98. Rust Bucket Becomes FMO’s New Corporate Vehicle (pic)
99. FMO Welcomes Its First Robot Writer To The Team (pic)
100. (pic)

Dominos Pizza

Meet The Real Domino’s Pizza Makers

Leave a reply

Dominos Pizza

 

 Meet The Real Domino’s Pizza Makers

There’s pizza makers and then there’s Domino’s Pizza Makers.  We had time to go around town and interview local Domino’s Pizza Artists.  These are their stories.

 

 

Melissa (The Astrophysicist)

The Astrophysicist

 Greg (The Doctor)

The Doctor
“NASA and space exploration was my goal but artful pizza making was my PASSION! I’m not your average pizza maker.” “I was never a doctor. But I wanted to be. My passion for the arts led me to pizza making and ultimately Dominos for the last 30 years. I’m still here. Still…………………………………..here”
Latifah Bonifa Shataniana La’Trice (The Lawyer)

The Lawyer

 Someone’s Kid (The Kid)

Someones Kid
“I really liked being a lawyer but there is nothing like pizza making. It is an art form and I plan to craft it into something wonderful. Like cows pooping skittles wonderful.” “I don’t really know what i’m doing here. My dad drops me off, I work a lot, then I go home and do it all over again tomorrow. Do you have any food?  I want to watch cartoons.”
Plis (The Art Teacher)

The Art Teacher

 Chea (The Sculpter)

The Sculpter
“I’ve wanted to be an art teacher all my life. That’s what led me to Dominos. I want to influence kids, help others. Change the world really. One pizza at a time.” “Just like sculpting, pizza making is an art form. You really got to put your heart and soul into it.”
Jesus (The Savior)

Jesus

 Genghis Khan (The Emperor)

Genghis Khan
“Answering prayers all day just wasn’t doing it for me. I had to get out of my shell. Dominos gave me the opportunity that I couldn’t say no to. Here I get to express myself artfully.” “Killing people was a fine art and I’m the greatest artist to ever live. I plan to come back and apply my art to pizza making.”

Four Easy Steps To Self-Hypnotic Bliss

Leave a reply
caption here

Self-Hypnosis is the answer for millions of stressed out Americans.

San Diego, CA – Ever since the movie Office Space came out, relieving stress by using hypnosis has been gaining popularity.

In our iTech world, many find it impossible to escape the 24/7 demands of their jobs.

You can join millions in escaping endless stress and finding permanent tranquility through self-hypnosis by following these 4 easy steps:

1. Remove any restrictive clothing and find a comfortable chair. Stare at the center of this pinwheel for about 5 minutes. Breathe calmly and just let your mind relax.

2. As you gaze at this second pinwheel for about 5 minutes, imagine stepping down into a hot tub. Let the swirling bubbles begin to melt away all the crap you’ve been bitching about for the last week.

3. While staring at this third pinwheel, fully submerge yourself down into the hot tub. Let all sources of stress gradually drown in a toxic combination of chlorinated water and urine from the kids who just got out of the hot tub.

4. As you transcend to the very bottom of the hot tub, repeat to yourself: I am the boss of me. Nobody tells me what to do. Any disrespect will be met with swift revengeful counterforce. Tell yourself that you will remain in a permanent bubble of peace, while anyone who threatens to pop your bubble will be flattened like a pancake.

New FDA Drug Approved For Your Sick Dog

Leave a reply
Is your dog sicker than a dog?

Is your dog sicker than a dog?

Fargo, ND – Do you have a DOG? Is your dog SICK? Congratulations! You just might have a SICK DOG!

With the recent onset of the Dog Flu, the FDA (Federal Dog Agency) has approved a new drug called SICK DOG for testing on real dogs.

Through an exclusive offer with the FM Observer, you can get some SICK DOG for your sick dog today!

How do I know if my dog is sick? When multi-colors are coming out of every orifice of your dog’s feverish body, you probably have a SICK DOG! If your dog has lost all its fur and is coughing up blood, you probably have a SICK DOG!

How does the SICK DOG product work? Nobody really knows what’s in this “product” or how it “works”. However, if your dog shows ANY signs of improvement, please contact the SICK DOG Company immediately and read them the TEST CODE NUMBER on the side of your box of SICK DOG. The company will then scientifically use this information to determine which mixture of random ingredients might be the most effective on future SICK DOGS.

Are you planning a Super Bowl Party, but your dog is sick? Try SICK DOG!

Are you all dressed up just about to go out on a first date, but your dog is blowing chunks? Try SICK DOG!

Are you sick and tired of having a dog that’s sick and tired? Try SICK DOG!

Interested parties can also find out more about the SICK DOG Pyramid Scheme. Are you sick of living paycheck to paycheck? Are you dog-tired of trying to rob small-time convenience stores? Check out the SICK DOG Pyramid Scheme to learn how YOU can make up to $25,000 every month, without ever doing a damn thing, except calling 1-800-SICK-DOG!