Dr. Fenster Helps Answer Some Baby Questions

January 11th, 2014 | by Johnnny
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Maybe Baby thinks you’re stupid.

The FM Observer is proud to add another expert to our growing staff. Dr. Niles Fenster M.D. is a well-respected pediatrician with special training in teaching parents how to identify the causes of some of the problems they might be having with their baby.

We really hope these 20 tips will be helpful to some new parents with new babies. All 20 of the problems have been bolded for quick reference in case of emergency.

Dr. Niles Fenster M.D. says:

If your baby is yellow, maybe baby is jaundice because it has contracted Hepatitis A.

If your baby is turning blue, maybe baby is choking on that chicken bone you gave it to play with.

If your baby always tries to scratch your face, maybe baby doesn’t like how you look.

If your baby is fussy and you believe in reincarnation, maybe baby didn’t want to be born again.

If your baby is making repeated hand gestures, maybe baby wants you to learn sign language.

If your baby is pointing and laughing at you, maybe baby thinks you’re stupid.

If your baby seems hungry but will not eat, maybe baby thinks you’re a shitty cook.

If your baby hasn’t messed its diaper in days, maybe baby doesn’t give a crap.

If your baby has tummy trouble, maybe baby ingested some cleaning products you left out.

If your baby needs to burp a lot, maybe baby shouldn’t be drinking a bottle of sparkling champagne.

If your baby wants more stimulation, maybe baby doesn’t like living in a cardboard box.

If your baby wants less stimulation, maybe baby is freaking out from watching Nightmare On Elm Street.

If your baby won’t sleep, maybe baby has started using crystal meth.

If your baby sleeps all the time, maybe baby is clinically depressed because it hates your family.

If your baby is constantly teething, maybe baby has gingivitis and needs a root canal.

If your baby feels hot, maybe baby shouldn’t be wearing a down jacket while drinking hot cocoa.

If your baby feels cold, maybe baby has frostbite from being left outside.

If your baby wants to be held, maybe baby is afraid of the pair of pit bulls under its crib.

If your baby doesn’t want to be held, maybe baby doesn’t trust you after being dropped multiple times.

If your baby is crawling on the ceiling, maybe baby and you are trapped inside the movie Trainspotting.

Dr. Niles Fenster M.D. would be happy to hear if any of these tips have helped you and your baby. If you have other problems, please do not hesitate to contact our newest staff expert for more excellent free advice. The phone number for Dr. Fenster is: 1-800-MAYBE-BABY.


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Contributing writer since January, 2013. I've been described by myself as a piano-playing omnivore who hates typos but loves chocolate milk in his coffee. As a Life Coach, some lessons I like to pass onto others are: 1. don't stare at strangers, especially in jail, 2. don't leave fun to find fun, 3. never pet a burning dog, 4. don't eat more than you can lift, and 5. when in doubt, jot it down. Click on any picture in my posts to see them in their full glory. All have been tweaked with either PicMonkey.com or Pixlr.com/Express or Lunapic.com :o)