Elmo Charged With DUI and Public Disturbance

January 31st, 2013 | by Johnnny
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Elmo lawyers up

Queens, NY – One of the most recognizable and loved celebrities on television has been charged with a DUI and could face some serious consequences. Elmo is best known as one of the muppet superstars from the long-running children’s television series, Sesame Street. Unfortunately, he is also quickly becoming known for his questionable behavior off the set.

Recently, some eye-witnesses said that Elmo was swerving from side to side in his Mercedes-Benz all the way down Sesame Street. He allegedly side-swiped multiple cars and finally crashed into the garbage can of Oscar The Grouch, who was luckily not home at the time. According to the official police report, Elmo’s blood alcohol level was twice the legal limit for muppets.

Elmo’s defense team is headed up by Kermit The Frog who told the press that Elmo categorically denies all of the charges. Kermit went on to say that Big Bird is to blame for daring Elmo to a popular drinking game called “Flip, Sip, or Strip!”. The game involves flipping a coin and while it’s in the air, calling heads or tails. If guessed correctly, the coin gets passed to the right. If incorrect, it gets passed to the left, and the player must either take off one article of clothing or drink a shot. Obviously, compared to the more diminutive Elmo, Big Bird would have a huge advantage when consuming alcohol, due to his much larger body mass.

Possible charges for the red muppet include community service, some stiff fines, and up to 6 months in a muppet jail which houses some of the most undesirable muppets from the New York/Queens area.

Elmo certainly has DUI troubles, but now also faces a public relations problem. Asked about how he feels regarding getting in trouble while being idolized by countless children, Elmo responded: “Elmo needs to look out for Elmo. It’s time all those kids grow up and learn about the real world.”

Back in late 2012, Elmo was again in the headlines for some “improper sexual conduct” with a Sesame Street staffer named Kevin Clash. This alleged relationship was never proven but did cause Mr. Clash to lose his job on Sesame Street.

James Barrie, an expert in celebrity downfalls, summed it up this way: “Life is a long lesson in humility. Hopefully, Mr. Elmo will learn his lesson, unlike the chronically problematic Lindsay Lohan.”


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Contributing writer since January, 2013. I've been described by myself as a piano-playing omnivore who hates typos but loves chocolate milk in his coffee. As a Life Coach, some lessons I like to pass onto others are: 1. don't stare at strangers, especially in jail, 2. don't leave fun to find fun, 3. never pet a burning dog, 4. don't eat more than you can lift, and 5. when in doubt, jot it down. Click on any picture in my posts to see them in their full glory. All have been tweaked with either PicMonkey.com or Pixlr.com/Express.