FM Observer Asks: How Fricking Cold Is It?

January 22nd, 2014 | by Johnnny
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Temperatures are ranging from cold as shit to fucking freezing.

Fargo, North Dakota – It’s time once again for the FM Observer to shiveringly ask the proverbial question: How cold is it?

So, how fricking cold is it?

It’s so cold that polar bears are building their own igloos.

It’s so cold that hell has officially frozen over.

It’s so cold that both Russia and the USA thought the Cold War was back on.

It’s so cold that when cab drivers yell at pedestrians, their middle finger freezes.

It’s so cold that someone saw a dog trying to jump start another dog.

It’s so cold that firefighters are starting fires.

It’s so cold that penguins are putting mink jackets on lay-a-way.

It’s so cold that heating bills are arriving with a warning to sit down before opening.

It’s so cold that weathermen have started using the Kelvin temperature scale.

It’s so cold that people are playing checkers with tea candles.

It’s so cold that Miley Cyrus had to pull her tongue in.

It’s so cold that some women are thankful for hot flashes.

It’s so cold that hitchhikers are holding up pictures of thumbs.

It’s so cold that muggers are phoning in sick.

It’s so cold that people are freezing their buns when leaving the bakery.

It’s so cold that the Four Seasons Hotel is changing its name to just “Winter”.

It’s so cold that Apple has introduced the iParka.

It’s so cold that after frozen pizzas are in the oven for 25 minutes, they’re still frozen.

It’s so cold that Starbucks is serving coffee on a stick.

It’s so cold that Bill Clinton thought he was standing next to Hillary.

It’s so cold that teenagers are having to pull their pants up.

It’s so cold that cats are looking out the window from across the room.

It’s so cold that in Maine, lobsters are throwing themselves into boiling pots.

It’s so cold that Playboy is publishing pictures of women with their clothes on.

It’s so cold that a comedian was rushed to the hospital after being pelted with frozen tomatoes.

It’s so cold that commerce was slowed when some shoppers discovered their bank accounts were frozen.

It’s so cold that Kate Upton has been downgraded from “Hot” to “Tepid”.


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Contributing writer since January, 2013. I've been described by myself as a piano-playing omnivore who hates typos but loves chocolate milk in his coffee. As a Life Coach, some lessons I like to pass onto others are: 1. don't stare at strangers, especially in jail, 2. don't leave fun to find fun, 3. never pet a burning dog, 4. don't eat more than you can lift, and 5. when in doubt, jot it down. Click on any picture in my posts to see them in their full glory. All have been tweaked with either PicMonkey.com or Pixlr.com/Express or Lunapic.com :o)