Questions To Ask Before Joining A Religion

April 9th, 2013 | by Bill Burns

Questions To Ask Before Joining A Religion

Below are very important questions everyone should consider asking before joining a religion.

 

Are there unicorns?

Are there dragons?

Will you rape me of my money?

Will you rape me?

Will you rape my children?

Do you think for me or do I think for myself?

Is it ok to pass gas in a church pew?

Are gays your sworn enemy?  If so, would you go to war against them?  What weapons would you use?

Do I get superpowers?

Is touching a woman’s or man’s arm considered sex?

Are animals considered robots?

Do you believe in modern medicine or are you miracle healers?

Are there free donuts available after we congregate?

Do you wear special underwear?

Do you pray to god or use some type of electronic device like a cellphone?

Do you perform mating rituals?

Do I have to give you my belongings?

What date do you consider the end coming?

If Jessica Biel became a zombie and tried to bite you, would you let her get a little tongue action in before you blew her head off?

How many followers does your religion’s twitter feed currently have?

How many times did the Bible’s writers misuse the words ‘your’ and ‘you’re’ before you guys edited it?

If your religion could have a mascot, what would it be?

What is the outside food/beverage policy during worship?

I have an aversion to needles. Will you be administering heroin or any other harmful drugs during bloody sacrifice? (hopefully only applies to Satanism)

True or false: If you keep all the hair trimmings from every haircut you’ve ever had, you would have enough to construct a life-size hair twin?

Where we’re going, will we need roads or no?

Why didn’t Jesus have a wife and kids?

 

 

Update:  A priest responds


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Bill grew up in one of the largest cities in the United States, Maza, North Dakota. Being a cow milker by trade, it was only after stroking thousands upon thousands of cow nipples was he able to save up enough money and move to Fargo, ND. It was here that he joined FM Observer. In his free time he enjoys carving rocking horses out of wood, healing the sick, and running marathons across oceans.