Author Archives: Bill Burns

About Bill Burns

Bill grew up in one of the largest cities in the United States, Maza, North Dakota. Being a cow milker by trade, it was only after stroking thousands upon thousands of cow nipples was he able to save up enough money and move to Fargo, ND. It was here that he joined FM Observer. In his free time he enjoys carving rocking horses out of wood, healing the sick, and running marathons across oceans.

New West Fargo Law Allows Exclamation Points In Names

exclamation-markWest Fargo, ND – A new West Fargo law was put into the books this past weekend.

The new law will allow anyone to add an exclamation point to the end of their first name.

A man named Jesus was the first in line and effectively changed his name legally to now Jesus!

Only one exclamation will be allowed as the city doesn’t want people to overuse the exclamation point as so many people do already today.

Fargo Cat In Tree

Police Shoot And Kill Cat For Climbing Tree Illegally

Fargo Cat In TreeFargo, ND – Police had to shoot to kill a cat over the weekend.

Tigger, a local neighborhood cat, was shot over the weekend. Police state they received a call about a cat climbing a tree illegally.

Police responded to the call immediately. Upon arriving at the scene, police state that they tried to get the cat down the tree but it hissed at them in a scary manner.

It was at this point the police felt threatened by this domesticated pet and unloaded on it in fear for their life.

400 bullets were expended and all but 3 missed and the cat was pronounced dead on scene.

The Fargo Police Department would like to remind people to keep their pets inside or it risks being shot.

West Fargo Police Officers Investigate Bathroom Bomb

9864175616_e261c881e3_bWest Fargo, ND – The West Fargo Police Department responded to a call about a bomb going off in the bathroom of the Furniture For Less store located on Sheyenne Street in West Fargo.

Police state that they immediately deployed their bomb sniffing robot into the bathroom.  Upon entry, police state that they found Bryan Livits, 35, pants down, passed out on the bathroom floor.  Shit……..everywhere.

The police are reporting that Bryan had had Taco Bell earlier for lunch and that he didnt think it would melt his entire insides.  He apologizes to everyone involved and especially wanted to apologize to the cleanup crew.

Police would like to warn the public that eating fast food has its consequences and they will be looking to ban it in the near future.

Swimmer Spotted Running On Water After Shark Sighting

unnamedMiami, FL – A swimmer got quite a scare yesterday afternon.  So scared that he did the impossible, ran on water.

Jason Hutson was swimming off the beach in Miami when he felt something hit his left ankle. That’s when Jason looked down and said he saw about a 15ft shark.

Shawn, who was swimming about 50ft away, said he seen Mr. Hudson scream and then flail around frantically.  “That’s when I saw him rise out of the water and run for shore.  You heard that right.  I saw him running on water.”

Jason Hudson says that he was just so scared that he just started running and flailing around as fast as he could to get away.

“I wasnt trying to run on water.  I was just literally scared shitless.  I may have pooped a little. I mean, imagine looking at a 15ft shark in the face!”

As far as our research goes, we believe Jason Hudson is the first human to ever run on water.  Scholars state that since Jesus was technically a zombie, Mr. Hudson is indeed the first person to walk on water.

Beach officials state they did spot a shark a couple of days earlier and that swimmers should be extra careful out there and to report any shark sightings immediately.

Big Johnson T-shirt Company To Release Second Line Of T-Shirts

Big Johnson t-shirtsThe Big Johnson t-shirt company,  with its controversial sexual innuendos that has led to court rulings,  is set to release a second brand of t-shirts.  The first new release in twenty some years.

This fall,  you will be able to find their new t-shirts,  “Big Baby Cannons”,  in all Hot Topic stores across the nation. Big Baby Cannons referring to, well, you know.

The company will also sponsor NASCAR driver Vaj Aja for the 2015 season.

Big Johnson shirts came under fire many times in the 90’s do to the sexual nature of their prints.

What do you think? Should these Big Baby Cannons t-shirts be available for teens to buy?

West Fargo Police

Man Arrested For Saying “Dude” and “Man” Excessively.

West Fargo PoliceWest Fargo, ND – Bill Hennesy, 32, was arrested Saturday evening for excessive use of the word “dude” and “man”.

Police are reporting that patrons at Bar Nine in West Fargo heard Mr. Hennesy say dude and man in nearly every sentence. One bar patron counted the two words being used a total of 40 times in 3 minutes. After nearly two hours of countless dudes and mans, a couple sitting next to them had enough and called police.

Mr. Hennesy was arrested and released on $1000 bond for excessive use of the word dude and man.

Upon release he stated, “Oh my god dude! Man! What the hell? This is totally bogus dude. Oh my god man I’m totally going to fight this charge dude.”

Arby’s of Fargo North Dakota Found To Be Hiding Life’s Secrets

arbys-logoFargo,  ND – Arby’s on 42nd ST in Fargo North Dakota has been discovered to be hiding life’s greatest secrets.

After years and years of visiting Arby’s restaurant for luch,  Janet Soviet began noticing that the employees working there were always ridiculously happy.  Not just on this particular day, but everyday. This prompted Janet to reach out to friends and family asking them if they had similar experiences. With no luck, Janet contacted the Fargo police department. The Fargo police department had just written enough traffic tickets for the month and was more than happy to help.

Jay Derp of the Fargo Police Department, went undercover for two weeks.  He visited the Arby’s store on 42nd Street a total of five times. With every visit, officer Derp was able to gather more and more intel. With enough evidence, Derp was able to acquire a search warrant and searched the business residence later this afternoon. What Derp found was remarkable.

Police records state that the officers upon searching the residence, found a large entrance that leads to an underground bunker of some sort. A discovery that will change the history of mankind forever.

Fargo police searched the underground bunker and state that they may have made the biggest discovery in human existence. One such secret found was that Santa Clause is actually Chinese.

Police will not go into full detail due to the ongoing investigation but state that this is one of the biggest, greatest, most important discoveries ever.

We will report more once new information becomes available.

New Species red river Valley fair

Second New Species Discovered At The Red River Valley Fair

New Species red river Valley fairWest Fargo, ND – YesterdayDr. William Francis and his team discovered a new species at the Red River Valley Fair in under one hour.  Today, Mr. Francis and his team have done it again!

His expedition team was yet again at the Red River Valley Fair looking and searching for new species today.  After an exhausting day wandering around with no luck, it was after a team member needed to get a refreshment that they stumbled on yet another new species.

Meet Specvitualis Hiviest.  A rare species of the Adult Baby Kingdom.  It’s natural habitat is that of an urban setting.  They can most definitely be found in and around all baby strollers.

If you run into one of these animals, please allow them to nest in your baby stroller until animal control arrives.

red river valley fair new species

New Species Discovered At Red River Valley Fair

red river valley fair new species

Locusslayer Solarus

West Fargo,  ND – Scientists gather to search for new species.

Yesterday evening, Dr. William Francis and his team set out on an expedition to look for a new species of human.  A mission that took two years to put together.

“We have been surveying the Red River Valley Fair for over 20 years now.  It was time to put together an expedition.”

It didn’t take Mr. Francis and his team more than one hour to discover and document a new species.

“The new species we found is called ‘Locusslayer Solarus‘.”

They describe this animal as a nocturnal creature who survives on Bud Light, Doritos, and  World of Warcraft.

“It’s habitat is that similar to a nomad.  He moves from fair to fair when not slaying beasts in World of Warecraft.”

Mr. Francis and his team caution that the Locusslayer Solarus is a wild animal and very unpredictable.  They advise on keeping your distance and to watch them from afar.

Please click the picture to get a close up. The new species is wearing the black shirt with writing on the back.