Unanimous vote for the death penalty to any jaywalkers in Downtown Fargo.
Fargo, ND – The People’s Militia Group which oversees the Fargo area, unanimously voted at their latest meeting for all Downtown Fargo jaywalkers to receive the death penalty.
The head of the People’s Militia Group is Janik Longway who firmly said: “Since jaywalking is a heinously problematic crime in the Downtown Fargo area, we solemnly recommend the death penalty for any and all jaywalkers.”
“Also, we strongly believe that anyone caught with a parked car on the streets of Fargo after four or more inches of snow has fallen should also receive the death penalty after their car has been quickly compacted into a small, stackable, one foot cube for easy removal.”
If you have a differing opinion on these matters, you’re invited to speak out against them at the next meeting of the People’s Militia Group.
Punishingly, all of the letters in Janik Longway can be re-arranged into: No Jaywalking!
Hollywood, CA – A new game show is being added to your “must-see” TV entertainment line-up and it’s called Double Jeopardy!
It is part game show and part court-room drama in which twins once acquitted of a crime are possibly retried for the same crime.
The host of the new show is Mr. Perky Parker: “Double Jeopardy is really going to be a great show! I hope you and your entire family watch it every week so I can keep my job during this down-tick in the stock market.”
If you’re a pair of twins who were once acquitted of a crime, and would like to be on the show for a chance to win some taxable cash, simply contact Mr. Perky Parker and have all your relevant information handy.
Oh, and don’t forget to tune in to watch Double Jeopardy!
Just imagine having to spend 20 years in the West Acres Mall…without ever leaving!
Fargo, ND – A chronic shoplifter who recently was caught stealing twenty items from the West Acres Mall has been given an unusual sentence for her crime.
A creative judge has handed Hope Flirts a punishment of twenty consecutive years of confinement in the West Acres Mall.
Hope in her own words: “Well, what the hell? Quite frankly, I would rather spend twenty years in a normal prison than be stuck in the fricking West Acres Mall for twenty fracking years! Do you know what I’m saying?”
Ms. Flirts who is now 45 years old will not be allowed to physically leave the West Acres Mall until she is ready to retire at the ripe old age of 65.
If she is caught stealing just one item during the next 20 years, she will then be invited to finish out the remainder of her sentence at Alcatraz.
Ironically, all the letters in Hope Flirts can be re-arranged to spell: Shoplifter!
Moorhead’s Turkey Police leading a patrol car to solve a heretofore previously unsolved crime.
Moorhead, MN – If you see small groups of turkeys along the Red River in Moorhead, chances are the police will not be far behind.
Moorhead Police are now using domesticated, trained wild turkeys to solve many heretofore previously unsolved crimes.
Recently, Moorhead’s Turkey Police led patrol cars right to the front door of Mr. Marvin Shellhammer who had unknowingly vandalized some property while the Turkey Police Officers were watching him.
Officer Ray Dookins: “These turkeys are great for solving crimes because they have extremely strong mental focus almost like a sixth sense. And plus, it will be real nice to have them around for Thanksgiving.”
Forensic photographers capture images of the crime scene where West Acres Mall was allegedly stolen.
Fargo, ND – The West Acres Mall was allegedly “stolen” during the night but investigators on the scene are still only using the phrase “temporarily missing”.
Unfortunately, police do not have the luxury of looking at any good security camera footage because that was also stolen, along with the entire mall.
By cleverly monitoring Facebook chatter, officials believe they are looking for a former mall security officer named S. Rae Hickok because of his claim on social media: “I just stole the West Acres Mall!”
Needless to say, West Acres Mall will be closed today and until this crime is solved.
In the meantime, if you have any information about this case or if you happen see the West Acres Mall somewhere, please call your local authorities immediately for a possible reward.
Fargo, ND – A number of people in the North Fargo area had recently replaced their normally white porch lights with blacklights to show support for the Black Lights Matter movement.
Not only did this look real cool but it showed that these neighborhoods cared with this expression of solidarity for a trending national cause.
Unfortunately, in practical terms, the dimly lit streets in these areas have allowed the crime rate to dramatically increase.
The number of robberies, burglaries, break-ins, car-jackings, and muggings more than tripled overnight ever since the brighter white lights were replaced with the blacklights.
Kimbrell Scavetta, a spokesperson for Black Lights Matter commented: “We have no comment at this time about this matter, although I will say that we positively disagree with any negativity directed towards Black Lights Matter as a result of these unsubstantiated statistical findings.”
Moral of the story: Sometimes trying to support national causes causes more problems rather than helping to solve problems.
Fargo, ND – Arby’s on 42nd ST in Fargo North Dakota has been discovered to be hiding life’s greatest secrets.
After years and years of visiting Arby’s restaurant for luch, Janet Soviet began noticing that the employees working there were always ridiculously happy. Not just on this particular day, but everyday. This prompted Janet to reach out to friends and family asking them if they had similar experiences. With no luck, Janet contacted the Fargo police department. The Fargo police department had just written enough traffic tickets for the month and was more than happy to help.
Jay Derp of the Fargo Police Department, went undercover for two weeks. He visited the Arby’s store on 42nd Street a total of five times. With every visit, officer Derp was able to gather more and more intel. With enough evidence, Derp was able to acquire a search warrant and searched the business residence later this afternoon. What Derp found was remarkable.
Police records state that the officers upon searching the residence, found a large entrance that leads to an underground bunker of some sort. A discovery that will change the history of mankind forever.
Fargo police searched the underground bunker and state that they may have made the biggest discovery in human existence. One such secret found was that Santa Clause is actually Chinese.
Police will not go into full detail due to the ongoing investigation but state that this is one of the biggest, greatest, most important discoveries ever.
We will report more once new information becomes available.
Fargo,ND−Area mother Cynthia Lincoln-Baxter finds herself utterly perplexed at the fact that Colorado hasn’t devolved into an absolute wasteland full of crime, poverty and despair since the state’s decriminalization of marijuana last year.
“With pots as dangerous as they are I just don’t understand how cities like Denver haven’t succumbed to all the pots-fueled crime,” hissed Lincoln-Baxter, in between bites of string cheese that she wasn’t even taking apart—just chomping into it like some kind of rage-fueled monster. “Especially if you consider the proven notion that pots leads to heroin addiction. That alone should have killed off half the city’s population by now,” she said.
Lincoln-Baxter also seemed visibly distraught at the media’s lack of pot-related crime coverage. “Why hasn’t Brian Williams been telling us about the pot suicides and driving while high deaths?” she asked, quizzically. “Obama is blocking these reports!! I’ve been reading the Denver Post and not ONE mention of pot suicide or pot driving deaths like I know there has been.”
If you’ve seen any legitimate reports of “pot suicides” or “pot-induced coma” or “pot driving deaths” or “pot riots” or “pots murder” or “bong-related assaults” or “pot-fueled domestic disputes” or “pot on pot crime”, please, let us know in the comment section.