Detect & Detain with the Hatchett Protection System!
Fargo, ND – A new home property protection system developed by a Fargo inventor will safely protect your delivered packages on your front door step until you get home.
Dr. Nacci Hatchett’s system includes radar detection for your entire property along with the ability to completely detain the culprits with a variety of non-lethal weapons.
Once your Hatchett Protection System determines that a prowler (and not your spouse) is stealing an outdoor package, you can choose to have the intruder strongly bound by a system of bolas, tazed, netted, caged, or all of these (in the exact same order).
Dr. Hatchett’s system then automatically calls the police who will respond with an aggressively hungry K-9 unit.
Since North Dakota leads the nation in stolen packages, this new Hatchett Protection System is sure to sell like hotcakes with warm maple syrup.
Ironically, all the letters in Nacci Hatchett can be re-arranged to spell: Catch In The Act!
Just imagine having to spend 20 years in the West Acres Mall…without ever leaving!
Fargo, ND – A chronic shoplifter who recently was caught stealing twenty items from the West Acres Mall has been given an unusual sentence for her crime.
A creative judge has handed Hope Flirts a punishment of twenty consecutive years of confinement in the West Acres Mall.
Hope in her own words: “Well, what the hell? Quite frankly, I would rather spend twenty years in a normal prison than be stuck in the fricking West Acres Mall for twenty fracking years! Do you know what I’m saying?”
Ms. Flirts who is now 45 years old will not be allowed to physically leave the West Acres Mall until she is ready to retire at the ripe old age of 65.
If she is caught stealing just one item during the next 20 years, she will then be invited to finish out the remainder of her sentence at Alcatraz.
Ironically, all the letters in Hope Flirts can be re-arranged to spell: Shoplifter!
There is a real Santa, and he’s being detained for questioning in Moorhead until after Christmas.
Moorhead, MN – Authorities in the quirky town of Moorhead have detained a man claiming to be the real Santa.
Investigators have a plan to hold the Santa Man until after Christmas to prove that either he is an impostor, or that he is indeed the real Santa, in which case millions of children throughout the world will not receive any presents for Christmas.
In the meantime, the Santa Man has requested some eggnog and cookies to help keep his spirits up, and some hay and salt blocks for his team of nine reindeer.
If you and your children would like to come and visit the Santa Man in jail to request presents for Christmas and possibly pet Rudolph and his friends in a temporary petting zoo, simply contact the Moorhead authorities who are detaining the real Santa and who are possibly going to ruin Christmas for everyone on Santa’s Nice List.
Lucky to have won the lottery jackpot but then unlucky to have gotten hit by a distracted driver.
Bismarck, ND – Ty Barich was excitedly on his way to collect his jackpot millions after repeatedly checking his winning lottery ticket with his pregnant wife.
While crossing the street en route to the lottery headquarters, Mr. Barich got hit by a distracted driver who decided it was more important to text “LOL” to his friend rather than stop at a red light and look for any pedestrians crossing the street on a green light.
Now, because a dummkopf distracted driver thinking that texting a short quick message on his smartphone was more important than paying attention to being in control of his moving motorized vehicle, another innocent person’s life is unncessarily altered or even taken away from them and their family.
The North Dakota legislature is now considering increasing the penalty for distracted driving to either life behind bars (with no access to a smartphone) or quickly being put in front of a firing squad composed of people who have been negatively affected by a distracted driver.
Ironically, all of the letters in “Ty Barich” can be re-arranged to spell:Hit by car!
Moorhead, MN – Trelga and Nevron Broomstad simply wanted to go eat out at one of Moorhead’s finer restaurants on Valentine’s Day and then perhaps head back home to snuggle and maybe watch some reruns of reruns on television.
Unfortunately, on their way home, the Broomstads got pulled over by a Moorhead police officer for having a Trump/Pence bumper sticker on the back of their vehicle.
The two were quickly handcuffed and driven off in the back of an unmarked police van to spend the long night in jail for disrespecting an officer.
Their bumper-stickered car was impounded and trash-compacted into a dense cubic foot of scrap metal and then loaded onto a ship headed to China.
While sitting in separate jail cells, Trelga and Nevron Broomstad were each to be given a Valentine’s Day cupcake along with all the other inmates but there were not quite enough to go around so the two were left with no Valentine’s Day cupcakes but they were allowed to watch some reruns of reruns on the television.
Moral of the story: Select your bumper stickers wisely.
Lochte’s hair reportedly changed color prematurely after the Zika Virus held a gun to his head while drunk in a gas station bathroom.
Lochte Lomond, CA – Ryan Lochte who first reported that his hair changed color after becoming infected with the Zika Virus now admits that he personally dyed his hair while drunk at a gas station bathroom in Rio.
After sobering up back in the Olympic Village, Lochte’s wallet somehow was found inside his mother’s purse which were both discovered by a security guard at a gas station bathroom in Des Moines, Iowa.
Lochte also confessed to adding toxic green algae to the Olympic diving pool on a dare from his swimmates Jack Congo, Gunner Bends, and Jimmy Fallon.
Subsequent to serving time in a Brazilian prison for conduct unbecoming of an Olympic athlete, Lyan Ryan Lochte plans to permanently move to Brazil since becoming good friends with some of the Brazilian police officers who investigated this truly bizarre case.
Bismarck, ND – A new pizza delivery company will soon be unlocking its doors in North Dakota.
Prison Pizza Pros will specialize in hot deliveries to those who find themselves behind bars.
All pizzas shall be of the “Deep Dish” variety so as to allow contraband to be secretly smuggled into the inmates who requested the hot delivery.
The idea first came to Prison Pizza Pros owner Frankie Siciliani who thought to himself while doing time, “Man, I could sure go for a hot pizza delivery right now, especially one that has a small metal hacksaw inside of it”.
After asking around, Frankie’s feasibility study revealed that most prisoners would certainly be in favor of ordering a hot pizza that had a small metal hacksaw inside of it.
Some of the more popular choices from Prison Pizza Pros are:
The General Population (Large, All Meat Pizza) The Solitary Confinement (One Topping Pizza) The Death Row Pizza (Super Spicy Jailapeno Peppers)
This is the architect’s illustration of the proposed new Clay County Jail, which is to be one of the most punitive in the country.
Moorhead, MN – With the current jail having been built in the 1890s, Clay County Commissioners were excited to finally see plans for their new jail.
Even though it will be a brand-new, state-of-the-art facility, architect Archie Cutter used some old, famous, draconian prisons from around the world as his inspiration for Clay County’s new jailhouse.
It is designed to comfortably hold 300 inmates, so once it gets up to 900, new additional “pods” can easily be added with a crane.
For the warden and correctional officers, an executive suite will provide a hot tub, steam room, sauna, and game room where they can relax and play pinochle.
As a reward for good behavior, the inmate population can earn special privileges such as access to library books and being allowed to participate in the weekly square dancing.
Fargo, ND – With the upwardly mobile trend of crime in Fargo due to Global Fracking, a new program is being started to dissuade area youth from landing themselves in jail and prison.
The program is called Incarcerational Detention Improves Obstinate Teenagers (or IDIOT).
Troubled teenagers who are heading in the “wrong direction” will hava chance to tangibly experience real-life jail living while wearing a bright pink uniform labeled IDIOT.
Nominations for participation in the IDIOT program can come from parents, teachers, police, or even anonymously.
Program enrollees will get to spend anywhere from 1-6 nights in jail depending on the roll of a dice. Program Director Jack Hammer believes: “By rolling a dice to determine the length of their stay, they begin to learn they’re no longer in control.”
Before graduating from the IDIOT program, each misguided youth will learn how to do laundry, sleep with the lights on, make their beds, make other’s beds, exercise upon waking, appreciate jail food, exist without television and smartphones, and be respectful of authority.