Where you stand depends on where you sit.
Dogwood, TX – In what some are seeing as a new national trend, the official new mayor of Dogwood, Texas is…a DOG! As they say, every dog has its day, and in this case, Baxter is his name and politics is his game.
All of his mayoral opponents described Baxter as pugnacious and doggedly optimistic. Others just call him one lucky dog since he seemed to be the clear underdog from the start of the race.
As a former shitty commissioner and having been very instrumental in getting the new Canine Voter Rights Legislation passed in the town of Dogwood, Baxter capitalized by capturing almost all of the doggy vote. Surprisingly, exit polling showed that most of the non-canine voters also preferred Baxter for Alpha-Mayor. “My wife and I both thought Baxter to be well-spoken and up on all the issues that were important to us” admitted Clarence Longhorn, who lives in Dogwood and who voted for the new Mutt-in-Chief.
Baxter, who once described attack-dog politics as a “dog eat dog world”, vowed to try and put an end to any canine cannibalism, which he says has been a real bone of contention in Texas. He will also work like a dog to help improve living conditions of all animals and humans living in Dogwood.
One of the first things Baxter did after taking office was to abolish the dogcatcher position and shut down the Dogwood Dog Pound, two of his carefully crafted campaign promises. He then ordered all fire hydrants to be freshly repainted.
Baxter, a pug from birth, is married to his lovely pug bitch, Miss Wendy. She describes Bax as a loveable little puppy dog underneath his outward alpha-male exterior. Miss Wendy intimates that “his bark is worse than his bite” even though they do have a “Beware of Dog” sign on their mayoral dog house.
Yawl are invited to join Baxter and his lovely bitch for a Meat & Greet at what is being called his Bark Mitzvah. One of his senior staffers says to expect “a grand Gala event complete with a variety of expensive doggy treats, and entertainment galore including Baxter’s favorite songs, “Black Dog” by Leash Zeppelin and “You Ain’t Nuttin But A Pug Dog” by Elvis Pugsley.
Baxter has some good advice for other canine mayoral candidates across the country:
1. Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
2. Show that old dogs CAN learn new tricks.
3. Make sure you’re barking up the right tree.
4. Advertise your campaign on all restaurant doggy bags.
5. Have a clearly defined dogma explaining what you stand for, what you’ll sit for, and what you’ll lie down for.
