A rare moment in history sees Chief Justice Roberts swearing in himself.
Washington, DC – Before swearing in all the members of the Senate for the impeachment trial of President Trump, Chief Justice John Roberts had to first swear in himself according to some archaic constitutional protocols.
Justice Roberts #1: Will you place your left hand on the Bible and raise your right hand?
Justice Roberts #2: Will you place your right hand on the Bible and raise your left hand?
Justice Roberts #1: “Do you solemnly swear that in all things appertaining to the trial of the impeachment of President Donald John Trump, president of United States, now pending, you will do impartial justice according to the Constitution and laws, so help you God?”
Justice Roberts #2: “I sure do…so help me God.”
Then, both Justice Roberts #1 and Justice Roberts #2 together administered the exact same oath to all one hundred senators, who will act as the jury in the impeachment trial of President Trump, so help us God!
Vaticano, Italy – After first decreeing that there is no hell to worry about, now in a rather bold move, Pope Francis (aka Jorge Bergoglio) is telling all his sinful Catholic followers to read the back of the Bible.
The Pope’s own words, which were immediately translated into forty languages:
“Once you finish reading the Bible from front to back, then take time to also read the back of the Bible, as I often do, while letting The Holy Spirit speak to you.”
Pope Francis, while channeling God’s message, also mentioned that the back of The Bible is way after the bibliography, which should also be read, and then reflected upon while sipping some wine.
Another additional tip mentioned in The Vatican Magazine is when reading The Bible, one can glean additional secret messages from God by reading between the lines, and also by using The Bible as a pillow whilst one sleepeth.
Each member gets a loaf of bread and a full bottle of wine during communion service.
West Fargo, ND – In an effort to attract and keep new members, the Church Of Bountiful Grace is offering each member a full bottle of wine along with a full loaf of bread at every communion service.
Pastor Loften Wibeto says the Holy Spirits spoke to him with this idea to provide communion participants a full bottle of wine and a warm loaf of bread during each Last Supper, which is celebrated weekly at the Church Of Bountiful Grace.
“In the Book of Psalms, God tells us that wine was created to gladden our hearts,” says Pastor Wibeto as he sips a nice Merlot while writing his next sermon, which is on the subject of spiritual fermentation.
Prayerfully, all of the letters in Loften Wibeto can be re-arranged to spell: Bottle Of Wine!
West Fargo, ND – If a new couple has just moved into your neighborhood, within the first two weeks after they’ve arrived, you should definitely show up unannounced at their front door during normal visiting hours, with a few nice house-warming presents.
This will not only satisfy all your curiosities about what your new neighbors are like, but will also allow them to get a good first impression of you and some of your idiosyncrasies.
Showing up without any sort of present is very gauche! Because you are expecting your new neighbors to invite you in for snacks and coffee or beer, having some sort of gift is certainly mandatory.
Specifically for the Fargo and West Fargo area, here are some great ideas for good house-warming gifts:
☺ A Trump-scented candle to make America smell great again
☺ Any animal about to be euthanized at the Humane Society
☺ A list of all your phone numbers and email addresses
☺ A box of doggy treats for canine family members
☺ A partially redacted copy of the Mueller Report
☺ A variety pack of different colored duct tapes
☺ A framed autographed picture of yourself
☺ An extra-large (unopened) bottle of booze
☺ An old Bible from any second-hand store
☺ A living, breeding pair of Sugar Gliders
☺ A brand new submersible sump pump
☺ A few of your favorite hotdish recipes
☺ Season tickets to Bison football
☺ Any Michael Bolton CDs
☺ A few memory lanterns