Tag Archives: control freak

FM Observer’s First Annual Panicfest Cancelled Due To Lack Of Toilet Paper

You can’t spell “pandemic” with “panic”!

Fargo, ND – What was to be a celebratory reminder to everyone to not panic during a Global Pandemic has been cancelled due to lack of toilet paper.

Panicfest organizers made the tough decision to cancel the first annual event after realizing that the number of available rolls of toilet paper for sale in the region is now down to zero.

Had the event not been cancelled, Panicfest attendees were going to be asked to group themselves into clusters of nine in order to not break the Gathering Of 10+ rule.

Here are the six things to do in order to maximize your chances of survival during a Global Pandemic:

1. Don’t panic!

2. If you do panic, certainly don’t freak out.

3. Stockpile toilet paper next to your Bible and guns.

4. Organize your liquor cabinet alphabetically.

5. Put everything you touch into its own separate zip-lock bag.

6. If someone comes near you, call 9-1-1.

Controlled Burn That Got Out Of Control Now 50% Contained

“Controlled Burn” that suddenly became an uncontrolled burn is now only about 50% contained.

Burnstad, ND – Highly trained governmental environmental workers trying to do a controlled burn helplessly watched it suddenly get out of control when winds began to gust up out of nowhere.

“Yeah, no, what began as our controlled burn, ah, quickly changed over to what we call an uncontrolled burn,” reports Luton Crofoot, who lit the original fire with a casual flick of his cigarette butt.

Luton added: “Maybe we should’ve paid better attention to thee, ah, windcast for the time period in which we planned to stage our, ah, controlled burn.”

Fire containment experts on the scene estimated that the out-of-control controlled burn is now approximately 50% contained.

However, they do admit that the 50% that is not contained is 100% out of control as environmental workers try to set additional back fires which are also getting out of control thanks to the wind.

Ironically, all of the charred letters in Luton Crofoot can be hotly re-arranged to spell: Out Of Control!

Control Freak Sentenced to 100 Hours Jazz Music

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Judge jazzes up sentence.

Fargo, ND – When a disagreement over how her groceries were being bagged escalated into a screaming brawl, Wanda Tite found herself in handcuffs. Charged with public disturbance, harassment and assault, the mother of three thought she would simply pay her fine and go back to being the boss of everyone in her meticulously organized and disinfected life. She was wrong.

Upon hearing the details of the case, Judge Mel Lowe handed down what some are calling a “radical but awesome” ruling, sentencing Mrs. Tite to 100 hours of jazz music. Terms of the sentence state that the hours are to be endured consecutively in the dark back room of a local dive bar.

The courtroom was silent as Judge Lowe issued his sentence. “If I understand correctly, you went ballistic in a grocery store because your oranges were bagged with your cheese, is that right? You, ma’am, are a control freak. You have a problem. Until you realize that, you are a ticking time bomb in our community. As such, you will learn the hard way what it feels like to have no control whatsoever. You will experience the futility of trying to impart order on an orderless world. This will be your rock bottom. You, ma’am, will listen to jazz.”

Witnesses claim that after hearing the ruling, Wanda Tite frantically tried to straighten all the chairs in the courtroom before curling up in a corner and pulling out all her eyelashes. She was eventually carried away screaming “How can you do this?! Jazz?! I’d rather be dead! You sadist!”

As he brought down his gavel, Judge Lowe was reportedly overheard saying, “Beebeddy bop-zop sooowop-zop bippedy zoowww, next case.”