Tag Archives: fire

Notre-Dame Church Fire In Paris May Have Been Sparked By Lone Cigarette Butt

“A mighty flame followeth a tiny spark.” –Dante

Paris, France – The historically tragic fire at the 800 year old Notre-Dame cathedral may have been caused a single cigarette butt.

This Gothic jewel that took about 100 years to build starting back in 1163, suffered serious damage from a large blaze that could possibly be traced back to a single sparking of some attic dust by a restoration worker’s “mégot de cigarette”.

Even though the policy for restoration workers of discarding cigarettes into water bottles is strictly followed, one tiny ember may have accidentally fallen into a soft bed of dust and gone undetected long enough to ignite a giant catastrophe.

After rebuilding the famous Notre-Dame cathedral, signs will be placed throughout the church saying “Merci De Ne Pas Fumer!”

Controlled Burn That Got Out Of Control Now 50% Contained

“Controlled Burn” that suddenly became an uncontrolled burn is now only about 50% contained.

Burnstad, ND – Highly trained governmental environmental workers trying to do a controlled burn helplessly watched it suddenly get out of control when winds began to gust up out of nowhere.

“Yeah, no, what began as our controlled burn, ah, quickly changed over to what we call an uncontrolled burn,” reports Luton Crofoot, who lit the original fire with a casual flick of his cigarette butt.

Luton added: “Maybe we should’ve paid better attention to thee, ah, windcast for the time period in which we planned to stage our, ah, controlled burn.”

Fire containment experts on the scene estimated that the out-of-control controlled burn is now approximately 50% contained.

However, they do admit that the 50% that is not contained is 100% out of control as environmental workers try to set additional back fires which are also getting out of control thanks to the wind.

Ironically, all of the charred letters in Luton Crofoot can be hotly re-arranged to spell: Out Of Control!

Ways To Stay Warm During A North Dakota Winter

Grab another analog and throw it on the firewall.

West Fargo, ND – We asked all of our FMO team members to brainstorm various ways to stay warm during the dead of winter here near Fargo, North Dakota.

We then slowly simmered the list of a hundred ideas down into this Top Ten List.

Please feel free to add to our list via comments or emails.

☺ Top Ten Ways To Stay Warm During The Winter In Fargo:

10. Only wear clothes that came out of the dryer within the last 10 minutes.
9. Ask to test out a hot tub at each of the various local dealerships.
8. Grab another analog and throw it on the firewall.
7. Turn your smallest bathroom into a sauna.
6. Roll up in a blanket and sip coffee.
5. Jumping Jacks in long underwear.
4. Invite your neighbors to huddle.
3. Rent the movie Hot Cocoa.
2. Microwave Hot Pockets.
1. Crank the heat!

Bison Turf To Rise Again From The Ashes, Bigger And Better Than Ever!

Bison Turf will respond Bison Tough!

Bison Turf will respond Bison Tough!

Fargo, ND – As the current chapter of the Bison Turf Bar changed from mass to energy (divided by the speed of light squared), the next chapter of its future was already beginning to rise from the ashes.

As perdition’s flames burned, positive universal karma was already flowing toward The Bison Turf from the moons of Nibia and from around the Antares Maelstrom.

The new Bison Turf Megaplex will not only be fireproof, but will be one of the most kick-ass, state-of-the-art places to hava bier in America.

There will be six floors to commemorate the six back-to-back national championships by the Bison Football team (the previous five championships plus the next one).

First Floor: The Bison Tough Lounge, which will be amazingly similar to the old Bison Turf Bar lounge, to honor past traditions.
Second Floor: The Champ Camp will be similar to the new Bison Tough Lounge but way cooler.
Third Floor: Instant Replay will be very high-tech with countless flat-screen TVs all showing Bison highlights from yesteryears.
Fourth Floor: Finish Strong to acknowledge that it takes four strong quarters to win a game.
Fifth Floor: The Floor Of Fame will surround patrons with a plethora of pictures and collectibles from all stand-out Bison athletes from all sports.
Sixth Floor: The Joy Of Six Rooftop Penthouse will be from where Bison fans can begin to cheer on the Bison Football team’s upcoming and astounding sixth consecutive national championship.

Burning Ban Does Not Include Throwing Lit Cigarettes Out Car Windows

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What’s the big deal about throwing a burning cigarette butt out a car window during a burning ban?

Fargo, ND – Moderate drought conditions in North Dakota are sparking burning bans to be implemented on both the state and county levels.

The extremely dry conditions due to Global Drying have precipitated government leaders to douse all fire-related activities until further notice.

So, using covered firepits for social gatherings, singing around the campfire, making bonfire s’mores, and controlled burns on windy days are now all considered to be unacceptable activities and could put you in the hot seat.

However, the tossing of burning cigarettes from cars is still an acceptable habit.

All drivers who smoke know that it would be such a disgusting inconvenience to have to put a smoke out in their clean unused ashtrays.

Throwing the last of a hot burning cigarette out the car window has never been considered to be littering or a potential fire hazard, even if it happens to roll off into a ditch full of parched dry brown grasses.

Cliff Uckerson says of this practice: “Yeah, it ain’t no big deal. Once I toss it out the window, it’s gone. I ain’t gunna see it again.”

With strict new burning bans going into place to prevent widespread fire disasters, it would be asking way too much to request that smokers discontinue the ritual of flicking their burning butts out the car window.

National Bonfire Month To Help Combat Global Cooling


Bonfire of the Vanities

Firestone, CO – This is National Bonfire Month designed to help fight against Global Cooling and the next Glacial Age.

With average global temperatures showing a general cooling trend instead of the much-hyped global warming {More Info}, bonfires seem to be the best and logical solution.

Anyone and everyone who is capable of legally hosting a safe bonfire is being encouraged to do so during the next months and years.

“If we all pitch in and help out by building bonfires, it could really help! Plus, who doesn’t enjoy sitting around a campfire visiting with your in-laws?” says Curby Feelers, National Bonfire Advocate.

Please check your local forecast first. Make sure the windcast for the next six hours in your area is for winds of 5 mph or less.

Also, if you live in a drought-stricken area, bonfires are obviously not advised. No one wants to piss off Smokey The Bear!

So, pick up the makings for s’mores, build a bonfire in the nearest bonfire pit, and help warm things up a bit and save Planet Earth. As Curby Feelers always says: “Think global. Act local.”

Former Coach’s Nightclub Location Survives Suicide Attempt

gbin03Moorhead, MN—The downtown location of a former hip & now, with it and wow nightclub has survived an apparent suicide attempt. The past home of Coach’s Sports Pub on 6th Street and Center Avenue in Moorhead set itself on fire early this morning.

What was once the go-to location in Moorhead for college students and partygoers has completely let itself go over the better part of the last decade. The former hotspot is known to have been battling depression as of late, and this recent suicide attempt looks like an obvious cry for help.

“Ever since Coach’s went away, the building has never been the same” says Cyndi McVickers, a former nightclub patron. “It just sits there, looking all sad and lonely, getting fat. I feel bad for it. I have to say, hearing about this suicide attempt is not surprising at all.”

Firefighters battled the suicide attempt for many hours last night, putting out fires in and around the area that used to be the kitchen.

The departure of Coach’s left a sore spot in the downtown area. It dealt a blow that 600 Center Street never fully recovered from. We wish the building well and hope for a speedy recovery.

Dilworth Fire Chief

Dilworth Fire Chief says, “I’m pretty sure it’s totaled.”

Let me show you somethin!

Dilworth, MN – A home being constructed in northeast Dilworth caught on fire this morning.  Workers on site reported the fire and thankfully nobody was hurt.  “I’m pretty sure it’s totaled,” Dilworth fire chief said.

When asked to please elaborate more he said, “Well..fire hot.  Fire burn things.  You see that wall?  It’s burnt to shit.  You see that other wall?  It’s also burned to shit.  I’m no NASA engineer but my best guess would be that that house right there is probably burnt to shit.”  The blaze was initially called in as an electrical fire but it is still under investigation.


A man wearing a hat similar to the one below was seen around the neighborhood at the time of the fire.