Tag Archives: cigarettes

Notre-Dame Church Fire In Paris May Have Been Sparked By Lone Cigarette Butt

“A mighty flame followeth a tiny spark.” –Dante

Paris, France – The historically tragic fire at the 800 year old Notre-Dame cathedral may have been caused a single cigarette butt.

This Gothic jewel that took about 100 years to build starting back in 1163, suffered serious damage from a large blaze that could possibly be traced back to a single sparking of some attic dust by a restoration worker’s “mégot de cigarette”.

Even though the policy for restoration workers of discarding cigarettes into water bottles is strictly followed, one tiny ember may have accidentally fallen into a soft bed of dust and gone undetected long enough to ignite a giant catastrophe.

After rebuilding the famous Notre-Dame cathedral, signs will be placed throughout the church saying “Merci De Ne Pas Fumer!”

Man Tries To Rob Convenience Store For A Pack Of Cigarettes Using Only A Pillow

This is the pillow that was used to try to rob a convenience store for a pack of cigarettes.

Fargo, ND – Henry Doofus was booked on charges of felonious attempted robbery after he tried to rob a convenience store while only carrying a pillow as a weapon.

The store clerk, Richard Stonewall, at first thought it was a big joke when Mr. Doofus demanded a pack of Marlboro Light 100s while threatening to hit the clerk with the pillow.

Once it was determined that this was certainly not a joke, Richard Stonewall pulled out a large baseball bat (after pressing the police emergency call button) and then began to soundly pummel Henry Doofus until the police showed up.

Police officers on the scene found a bloodied Doofus on the floor and then carefully placed the pillow into a clear plastic bag as evidence.

Attorneys for the convenience store will be seeking a life sentence for Henry Doofus just to send a message to future potential would-be doofuses, however, they are in favor of the Doofmeister having his pillow in prison upon which to sleep and dream about that pack of Marlboro Light 100s.

Minnesota Raising Legal Cigarette Smoking Age To Fifty

Minnesota’s new minimum age to smoke cigarettes is now 50.

St. Paul, MN – In what many consider to be a bold move, Minnesota is upping the minimum legal age to smoke cigarettes to fifty (50).

Yes, we believe this is the right thing to do, so this is the reason why we are doing what we are doing, says Geier Stockmaster, who authored the bill.

Studies have shown that people who wait until age 50 to start smoking cigarettes increase their chances of living to age 65 by a factor of 10 (assuming they don’t get rear-ended by a distracted driver travelling at 50 mph).

How do you feel about Minnesota’s new minimum age to smoke?

How would you feel if the minimum wage was $50 per hour?

How would you like free Dilly Bars for the rest of your life?

Ironically, all the letters in Geier Stockmaster can be re-arranged to spell: Cigarette Smokers!

Burning Ban Does Not Include Throwing Lit Cigarettes Out Car Windows

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What’s the big deal about throwing a burning cigarette butt out a car window during a burning ban?

Fargo, ND – Moderate drought conditions in North Dakota are sparking burning bans to be implemented on both the state and county levels.

The extremely dry conditions due to Global Drying have precipitated government leaders to douse all fire-related activities until further notice.

So, using covered firepits for social gatherings, singing around the campfire, making bonfire s’mores, and controlled burns on windy days are now all considered to be unacceptable activities and could put you in the hot seat.

However, the tossing of burning cigarettes from cars is still an acceptable habit.

All drivers who smoke know that it would be such a disgusting inconvenience to have to put a smoke out in their clean unused ashtrays.

Throwing the last of a hot burning cigarette out the car window has never been considered to be littering or a potential fire hazard, even if it happens to roll off into a ditch full of parched dry brown grasses.

Cliff Uckerson says of this practice: “Yeah, it ain’t no big deal. Once I toss it out the window, it’s gone. I ain’t gunna see it again.”

With strict new burning bans going into place to prevent widespread fire disasters, it would be asking way too much to request that smokers discontinue the ritual of flicking their burning butts out the car window.

Walmart Polling Station Election 2012

Walmart to Stop Selling Soda


Soda fans line up for one last pull

Birmingham, AL—In response to CVS’s announcement that they will discontinue the sale of tobacco products at its 7,600 locations across the USA, Walmart has proudly announced that they are pulling an incredibly harmful substance from their shelves as well. Walmart will stop selling soda, effective immediately.

Retail is and has always been a copycat industry. When one company makes a savvy maneuver, another company is sure to follow suit.

“Studies have proven that the sugars and other chemicals found in soda have been and continue to be very, very harmful to the body. That is why we’ve decided to pull it from our shelves.” said company C.E.O. Jonathan Walmart, in a statement made earlier today. “There’s still plenty of damn fine carbonated beverages available to our consumers, like Sparkling ICE and what not.”

When asked about the financial implications, Jonathan Walmart said simply “Make no mistake; we’ll take a financial hit from this, but it isn’t like we’re going to go out of business or anything. Probably just have to lower our employees’ wages even further in order to keep our prices where they are.”

The Observer sees this as not a health-conscious maneuver, but yet another shameful, backhanded swipe at employee compensation.

PepsiCo C.E.O. Alexander Pepsi could not be reached for comment.