This is the pillow that was used to try to rob a convenience store for a pack of cigarettes.
Fargo, ND – Henry Doofus was booked on charges of felonious attempted robbery after he tried to rob a convenience store while only carrying a pillow as a weapon.
The store clerk, Richard Stonewall, at first thought it was a big joke when Mr. Doofus demanded a pack of Marlboro Light 100s while threatening to hit the clerk with the pillow.
Once it was determined that this was certainly not a joke, Richard Stonewall pulled out a large baseball bat (after pressing the police emergency call button) and then began to soundly pummel Henry Doofus until the police showed up.
Police officers on the scene found a bloodied Doofus on the floor and then carefully placed the pillow into a clear plastic bag as evidence.
Attorneys for the convenience store will be seeking a life sentence for Henry Doofus just to send a message to future potential would-be doofuses, however, they are in favor of the Doofmeister having his pillow in prison upon which to sleep and dream about that pack of Marlboro Light 100s.
Lochte’s hair reportedly changed color prematurely after the Zika Virus held a gun to his head while drunk in a gas station bathroom.
Lochte Lomond, CA – Ryan Lochte who first reported that his hair changed color after becoming infected with the Zika Virus now admits that he personally dyed his hair while drunk at a gas station bathroom in Rio.
After sobering up back in the Olympic Village, Lochte’s wallet somehow was found inside his mother’s purse which were both discovered by a security guard at a gas station bathroom in Des Moines, Iowa.
Lochte also confessed to adding toxic green algae to the Olympic diving pool on a dare from his swimmates Jack Congo, Gunner Bends, and Jimmy Fallon.
Subsequent to serving time in a Brazilian prison for conduct unbecoming of an Olympic athlete, Lyan Ryan Lochte plans to permanently move to Brazil since becoming good friends with some of the Brazilian police officers who investigated this truly bizarre case.
Rochester, NY – Amidst controversy over statements made to A Polícia Brasileira, Ryan Lochte had been sought for questioning until today. With help, A Polícia Brasileira have located Lochte hiding in his favorite training facility swimming pool.
The Olympic swimmer had been hiding underwater for 15 minute intervals until A Polícia Brasileira detained him via a non-anonymous tip.
“I mean, like, oops? I just didn’t want to get my bros in trouble, so, like, I made it sound like, like, it, like, was like, a robbery or whatever,” said a stammering Lochte, whose body temperature had fallen tremendously after sitting for 3 straight days submerged in água fria.
“O dopey swimmer vai responder to falsificação de informações,” said enforcer of A Polícia Brasileira Janio Almeida, who chose to locate-extricate Lochte under condition of anonymity via diplomatic immunity.
Lochte will now reluctantly meet with A Polícia Brasileira to discuss what to do about what he told A Polícia Brasileira. He will remain in the United States since A Polícia Brasileira have now confiscated his passaporte.
Large squirrels like these float into FM area on inverted plastic garbage can lids.
Moorhead, MN – A nice family out having a normal picnic in a well-known Moorhead park was negatively amazed when a 32-pound squirrel performed a hostile takeover of all their food.
An NDSU squirrelologist says: “Yes, we have been noticing a recent trend for the larger squirrels to float down the river into the Fargo-Moorhead area on inverted plastic garbage can lids. Once here, they seem to set up shop near a popular park, where they occasionally rob family picnics, as if they’re their personal convenience stores.”
Comments from the traumatized family:
Father: “I felt so violated and so utterly helpless while we’all just sat and watched this 32-pound squirrel rob us of all our foodstuffs.”
Mother: “The last time I was this scared was when I somehow got locked in a gas station bathroom in New Jersey!”
Tween: “That was one bad-ass squirrel! Because of this experience, I would someday like to become a squirrelologist.”
Robber: I am here to rob this bank. Teller: Excuse me?! Robber: Ah, my name is Rob, and I would like to open an account at this bank!
Fargo, ND – The security camera of a local branch bank recently recorded what probably was supposed to have been a bank robbery but what turned into a more normal banking transaction.
Video and audio recordings show a man initially indicate that he wanted to rob the bank.
But when the bank teller rather aggressively responded “Excuse me?!”, the would-be robber may have been so surprised by the tone of her voice that he either lost his moxie or simply forgot what he was trying to do.
Whatever the reason was, he then decided to ask if he could open a savings account.
The official transaction ended up being: a deposit of $57.80 into a money-market savings account.
The first name on that account was: Rob. The last name on the account was: Banks.
Fargo, ND—A long string of recent armed attacks on gas stations in our town has left tills and registers completely tapped. After Fargo endured yet another pair of convenience store holdups yesterday, the Observer has learned local stop n shops are officially out of money.
Store clerks want the city’s armed hoodlums to know they don’t have any more cash to fork over after being robbed, like, fifty million times.
South Fargo Petro Serve clerk Zelda Holdsclaw:
“We’re out of cash so don’t bother robbing us anymore. You guys took it all. Holding us up again would be a complete waste of your time.”
It would appear that area convenience stores have become easy targets for a quick smash-and-grab. Thankfully, with this new announcement, all that is about to change.
North Fargo Stop-N-Go store manager Randy Noisewater:
“Robbers have finally taken us for all we’re worth. It might be time for criminals to step their game up, take off the training wheels and start robbing banks for Pete’s sake.”