Tag Archives: moorhead

Moorhead Man Willing To Part With N95 Filtration Masks For $100 Each

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One for $100 or a box of ten for only $999

Moorhead, MN – A Moorhead man who has stockpiled literally thousands of the much-demanded N95 facial masks is now selling them for $100 each.

Mark Rhoades says that as a favor to the community, he is graciously willing to part with his N95 masks for only $100 each or if you want to save a dollar, a box of ten masks is only $999.

When we asked Mr. Rhoades why he was doing this, he responded thusly:

“Because I’m a smart guy, I loaded up on these 3M masks for me and my family, and now that it seems I have way more than we could ever use, the community benefits from my proactive fore-thinking.”

Sadly, all of the letters in Mark Rhoades can be re-filtered into: Mask Hoarder!

Moorhead’s Turkey Mitigation Program Getting High Marks

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Let’s Talk Turkey!

Moorhead, MN – The City of Moorhead is having a special all-city meeting to talk turkey.

With a problematic over-abundance of wild turkeys, all options are on the table.

Option #1: Turkey Adoption Program (TAP) would ask Moorhead residents to adopt one (1) wild turkey and keep it in the confines of their fenced back yard with the idea that if kept apart, there would be less wild turkeys in the future.

Option #2: Slingshot some of Moorhead’s wild turkeys into Fargo with the idea being: Out of sight. Out of mind. Out of Moorhead!

Option #3: Market Moorhead Turkey Jerky at all the local convenience stores with the idea that if you can’t beat them, then just eat them. (Another variation here would be for Moorhead to celebrate Thanksgiving monthly.)

Option #4: Gather up all the wild turkeys and turn them into Wild Turkey Bourbon to be used as the centerpiece of Moorhead’s Annual Wild Turkey Bourbon Fest.

For A Change, The Concordia College Christmas Concert Will Feature All Beatles Music This Year

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An all-Beatles Concordia College Christmas concert will be a refreshing change.

Moorhead, MN – In what’s considered to be a slight deviation from the norm, Concordia College will feature all Beatles music during this year’s annual Christmas Concert.

“Because the night that Jesus was born was so very special, we too decided to do something very special, namely, use all Beatles music for this year’s Concordia College Christmas Concert,” said Mr. Cardoso McChristian who ostensibly has nothing to do with the concert.

Yes, many old-timers who hate change will probably be somewhat surprised to hear that all of the traditional songs normally sung during the Concordia College Christmas Concert will be completely replaced by Beatles tunes, including:

⦿ Birthday
⦿ Lady Madonna
⦿ The Fool On The Hill
⦿ Norwegian Wood
⦿ Mother Nature’s Son
⦿ Let It Be
⦿ Across The Universe
⦿ Come Together
⦿ Because
⦿ We Can Work It Out
⦿ Got To Get You Into My Life
⦿ Hello Goodbye
⦿ Rocky Raccoon
⦿ With A Little Help From My Friends
⦿ Yesterday
⦿ The End

Incidentally, all the letters in Cardoso McChristian can be re-arranged into: Concordia Christmas!

Prince Harry And Meghan Markle Moving To Moorhead Minnesota To Live A Normal Life

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Baby Archie is looking forward to attending school in Moorhead.

Moorhead, MN – The bad news is things are not going well for Prince Harry and his wife and child while living in England.

The good news is that Harry, Meghan Markle, and their baby Archie will soon be moving to Moorhead, Minnesota in search of “a normal life”.

Prince Harry’s relationship with his brother William has devolved into an internecine war while the Duchess of Sussex is under constant negative media scrutiny in England.

Meghan Markle, who once enjoyed visiting a friend in Moorhead, decided the royal couple wants baby Archie to grow up in a nice, friendly, normal community like Moorhead.

Meghan also likes Moorhead because it doesn’t have a newspaper but does have an airport.

Prince Harry may want to build a castle in Moorhead for his family, along with a moat…with a boat.

Moorhead To Host National Zombie Apocalypse Survival Conference

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Learn how to survive an uprising of the undead.

Moorhead, MN – The quiet little town of Moorhead will soon be anything but once the National Zombie Apocalypse Survival Conference comes to town.

What is the Zombie Apocalypse?

As it’s described in the Zombible, the Zombie Apocalypse is the undead uprising that will occur during the final destruction of the world. As you probably know, this time period will be dominated by the walking dead roaming the Earth in search of human flesh.

How do you survive a Zombie Apocalypse?

As is spelled out in the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide, every living person needs to have a Zombie Plan ready so you know what to do in case of a Zombie Outbreak. Having a wide variety of weapons is highly recommended, such as a zombat (preferably two, if you’re zombidextrous).

The National Zombie Apocalypse Survival Conference will teach attendees everything they need to know in order to survive a Zombie Attack. Conferees will be served a partially-cooked luncheon zomburger with red zomatos and a side fruit cup of juicy zomberries.

Robert Cummings (aka Rob Zombie) will of course be the conference’s keynote speaker and also provide some relaxing musical interludes.

Top Ten Things To Do In The Fargo-Moorhead Area This Weekend!

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Here is a list of the Top Ten fun things to do in the FM area this weekend!

West Fargo, ND – Are you looking for something fun, new, and different to do this weekend?

Would you like to be where the happening action is at?

Well, once again you’ve come to the right place!

Based on our latest extensive research, here is a convenient synopsis of what’s going on in the greater Fargo Moorhead area this weekend:

☺ Perfume exchange at Alice Gronk’s home
☺ Offensive sign parade (Downtown Fargo)
​☺ All-city Tug-O-War (West Fargo)
☺ Kid’s Learn-How-To-Gamble Day (Horse Park)
☺ Annual mosquito count (Moorhead)
​☺ Reading of the Mueller Report (Fargo Library)
☺ Senior citizen Hide-n-Seek (Sabin)
☺ Paintball War competition (Island Park)
☺ Children’s self-defense against Catholic priests (YMCA)
☺ 24-hour Treasure Hunt (Fargo Landfill)

Moorhead Man Who Was Attacked By A Mourning Dove Is Expected To Survive

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This bad boy allegedly attacked a Moorhead man for no good reason.

Moorhead, MN – Mr. Nevin Goodrum, who was peacefully sitting in his backyard, decided to call to the mourning dove that was sitting up in his tree by blowing into his cupped hands.

After a few near-perfect calls, Mr. Goodrum was viciously attacked by the mourning dove who must’ve taken Nevin’s calls as total disrespect.

Seeing her husband all pecked down and bloodied up by the mourning dove, Mrs. Goodrum called 9-1-1 and explained the situation.

As you can imagine, Nevin Goodrum ain’t going to be calling to his neighborhood mourning doves any more, any time soon.

Just the sound of a mourning dove is now enough to send Mr. Goodrum to the Xanax drawer in an effort to calm Nevin’s frayed nerves.

Mourningly, all the letters in Nevin Goodrum can be pecked around to spell: Mourning Dove!

Top Ten Things To Do In The Fargo-Moorhead Area This Weekend!

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Here is a list of the Top Ten fun things to do in the FM area this weekend!

West Fargo, ND – Are you looking for something fun, new, and different to do this weekend?

Would you like to be where the happening action is at?

Well, once again you’ve come to the right place!

Based on our latest extensive research, here is a convenient synopsis of what’s going on in the greater Fargo Moorhead area this weekend:

☺ Rotten Egg Juggling (West Acres)
☺ Drunkfest 3000 (Downtown Fargo)
​☺ Scary Clown Parade (North Fargo)
☺ Mud Wrestling Tournament (Moorhead)
☺ Meat and Greet Cookout (West Fargo)
​☺ Parimutuel Dog Fights (Fairgrounds)
☺ Senior Citizen Dodgeball Event (Sabin)
☺ Sloppy Joe Eating Contest (Island Park)
☺ Marijuana Bake Sale (Second Lutheran Church)
☺ Free Concert: Electric Pickle (Outside Fargodome)

Further Funding For “Fort Fargo” Finally Finds Feasible Financial Footing

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A rare look inside the main bunker of Fort Fargo.

Fargo, ND – What many have been fighting for for forty four fruitless fortnights may soon finish with fruitional finality.

The remains of Fort Fargo, which was originally built at the beginning of Fargo’s war with Moorhead, will officially become a preserved historical site, right next to a major museum honoring those who fought in this famous battle.

Those who have been fighting for funding for the Fort Fargo Museum & Historical Site raised glasses to toast that the North Dakota Legislature finally voted in favor of committing public funds to this worthy project.

After a nearly fourteen year debate, the N.D. House voted to use forty million dollars from a combination of the state treasury and loans from the Bank of North Dakota to financially fund the costs of Fort Fargo.

If you feel that you have any historical artifacts possibly from the Fargo/Moorhead War that should be included in the new F/M War Museum, please contact the Fort Fargo Foundation for further instructions on what to do and how to do it.

Some Are Now Questioning If The Moorhead Interchange Planning Was Subpar

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“What could have been fairly simple somehow ended up being extremely complicated and confusing.”

East Fargo, MN – After having used it for a while now, many are seriously scratching their heads while wondering what the hell went wrong during the early planning stages of the I-94 interchange at Moorhead’s Eighth Street.

One of the main comments we hear over and over is that there seems to be too many random roads running in seemingly random directions which makes the aerial map of this intersection look like cracks in a shattered windshield.

One possible reason for the obvious subpar planning could be that a new (but untested) computer function called “Random Suggestion” was used (too much) by traffic planners in what insiders refer to as “splashing the plan”.

Luckily, Moorhead’s quadruple diverging diamond interstate interchange only cost the taxpayers about $14,000,000 and it does seem to work rather well for those who have used it enough to become familiar with its plethora of peculiarities.