Tag Archives: undead

Moorhead To Host National Zombie Apocalypse Survival Conference

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Learn how to survive an uprising of the undead.

Moorhead, MN – The quiet little town of Moorhead will soon be anything but once the National Zombie Apocalypse Survival Conference comes to town.

What is the Zombie Apocalypse?

As it’s described in the Zombible, the Zombie Apocalypse is the undead uprising that will occur during the final destruction of the world. As you probably know, this time period will be dominated by the walking dead roaming the Earth in search of human flesh.

How do you survive a Zombie Apocalypse?

As is spelled out in the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide, every living person needs to have a Zombie Plan ready so you know what to do in case of a Zombie Outbreak. Having a wide variety of weapons is highly recommended, such as a zombat (preferably two, if you’re zombidextrous).

The National Zombie Apocalypse Survival Conference will teach attendees everything they need to know in order to survive a Zombie Attack. Conferees will be served a partially-cooked luncheon zomburger with red zomatos and a side fruit cup of juicy zomberries.

Robert Cummings (aka Rob Zombie) will of course be the conference’s keynote speaker and also provide some relaxing musical interludes.

Famous Rock Band ‘Autopsia’ Is Coming To Fargo; Tickets Selling Madly

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Autopsia will turn your life upside down!

Fargone, ND – Another excessively huge concert is just about to be announced for Fargo, North Dakotah!

Autopsia will be performing some of their greatest mega-hits, including:

Coffee and Cremation, Dead Upon Arrival, Peace Corpse, Skeletonia, The Last Laugh, Coffin Syrup, Prince Deadward, Hotel Gravestonia, Postmortem Fest, Autopsycho, Room 666, and Deadendless.

This incredible concert is brought to you by Hell-Oh Productions.

For ticket information, listen to the radio, watch TV, read newspapers, or just talk with your friends.

Do not miss Autopsia performing all the songs that made them one of the most recognizable bands in the world of music.

FM Observer Rating: ★★★★★

The Cemetery Is Good Place For Trick Or Treaters

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When trick or treating, don’t forget the cemetery.

Fargo, ND – Dr. Headstone of the Halloween Educational Literary Library Organization (HELLO) is reminding children who want to have a full trick or treating experience to not forget to take a slow walk through the local cemetery.

“It is often the last place one thinks of but is really the first place you ought to go when seeking to enjoy a genuine, old-fashioned, Halloween fright night,” opines Dr. Headstone whilst puffing on his old bone pipe.

Dr. Headstone reminds us that Halloween is more than putting on a Trump mask and compiling copious amounts of candy.

“It is the one holiday we have that truly commemorates the dead, and how better to do that than by taking a nice, long, spooky stroll through a foggy cemetery.”

Blood Bank Looking To Hire Vampires They Can Count On

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Vampires sought for Blood Bank

Fargo, ND – The Red River Blood Bank is in dire need of hiring some experienced vampires to be staff phlebotomists and perform venipuncture to collect much-needed blood from client/victims.

During Helloween seasoning, the River Of Red Blood Bank sees a bloody uptick in the need for good blood due to a downtick in those who would voluntarily choose to donate their “liquid life force”.

Venipuncture experience is a +

Undead applicant vampires are being sought to work the graveyard shift, from midnight until dawn, with the monthly exception of full moon nights.

If you’re a well-dressed vampire who’s looking for a regular gig, and who can be counted on to show up for work, please contact Ms. Bella Lugosi at the Red River Red Blood Bank to set up an intravenous interview and a chance to show-off your venipuncture skill set.

Moorhead Hoarder Finds Dead Husband Buried Under Tons Of Junk

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I thought maby my husband had left me until I found him buried underneath some piles of things I wanted to hold on to for awhile.

Moorhead, MN – The Department of Health and Human Services is reporting that a woman who wishes to remain anonymous recently found her deceased husband under some of her belongings.

Agnes Elhart of 1313 Hoarder Drive in Moorhead now wonders “why would Clarence have been crawling around underneath my newspaper collection?”

Agnes further ponders: “Maby he was trying to hide from me after that one argument we had about what items to perhaps purge?”

A hoarder specialist working the case sadly wrote: “It is more likely that some of the mountainous pile of endless crap fell on the poor guy and ol’ Clarence was buried alive, until he wasn’t.”

UND Offering Classes On How To Wake Up And Get Out Of Bed

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UND’s new WAKE UP & GET UP program is like “trying to push a rope”.

Grand Forks, ND – The University of North Dakota has decided to offer special classes for its students on how to literally wake up and physically get out of bed.

After noticing that a majority of students were not attending early morning classes, school officials came up with the novel idea of teaching how to effectively wake up and get up especially during the hibernatory months of winter.

Ms. Camari Greer who is Acting Vice Chancellor of the Student Affairs Relations Commission tells us that sleeping in during classes is “a threat to our democracy” and “must be properly addressed in no uncertain terms”.

We asked some random students some random questions and got some very random answers:

Thiago Gawkroger who is supposedly studying Social Calculus admits to missing at least a functional derivative of his classes because “they’re just too darn early in the morning! To make it to my 9:50 class, I’d have to wake up by nine o’clock!”

Valentina Jaxon who’s planning on majoring in Art History and Art Garfunkel says that since the very first class which she did attend (but fell asleep in), she has not made it to any of the other lectures which start at 8:20 AM.

Questions for follow-up small-group discussions:
1. What do you think about this somnolent situation?
2. How do you feel about teaching classes to wake up?
3. What would you do if you were the Acting Vice Chancellor?
4. If you only had one year to live, what would you do?
5. What advice would you give yourself three years ago?
6. Is there something important you need to tell your family?
7. What’s stopping you from reaching your full potential?
8. What do you see yourself doing in 80 years?
9. What do you need to eat less of and why?
10. What are your inner voices telling you to do right now?

Fargo Man Returns To Life After Clocks Changed Back One Hour

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Man comes back from dead after clocks turned back an hour!

Man comes back from dead after clocks turned back an hour!

Fargo, ND – In what doctors are calling “highly unusual”, a hospital patient who had passed away during the early Sunday morning hours came back to life after the hospital turned the clocks back an hour to Central Standard Time.

Dr. Bernard LaFlange had pronounced the patient dead 35 minutes earlier.

But then, right at 2:00 AM, when the clocks went back to 1:00 AM, the older male patient returned to life just as if nothing had happened.

The man’s family was completely stunned as would be expected under such bizarre circumstances.

A spokesperson for the hospital admits that it is not certain whether or not changing the clocks back an hour had anything to do with the patient’s revival from the dead.

When the patient was asked about the incident, he simply responded that he would like to go to Denny’s Restaurant and order the Grand Slam breakfast platter and a pot of coffee.

No One Leaves Alive From This Fargo Haunted House

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This mansion is the pictorial definition of “Haunted”.

Fargo, ND – It’s the place everyone knows about, but no one talks about. Fargo’s Minister Mansion, as it is called, is thee most haunted house between Moorhead, Minnesota and Missoula, Montana. If you don’t know where it is exactly, ask any long-time Fargo resident who believes in God, but fears the undead.

Some of what we do know: A Methodist minister once lived in the home, until he mysteriously died one night, along with his entire family, and all their pets. Since then, it seems that no one who’s actually entered this haunted house has come out, alive.

Based on well-placed police surveillance cameras, every Sunday night there seems to be a gathering of some sort, inside the mansion, just as the minister who lived there had for all his church members every Sunday night.

Minister Mansion will soon be the subject of a new upcoming investigative reality mini-series on the FX Channel in which they will attempt to probe the haunted mansion by using hi-tech robots and drones.

Zombie Sighting West Fargo

ZOMBIE SIGHTING IN WEST FARGO

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Zombie Sighting West FargoWest Fargo, ND – The Observer is fearful to report that early Sunday morning at around 3 a.m., a zombie was spotted foot-dragging alongside Interstate 94 in West Fargo. This reporter is absolutely certain that this was, without a doubt, a member of the undead or a “walker” as they are affectionately called. Walkers typically come out of hiding after midnight and during periods of intense weather. Late Saturday night and into Sunday in West Fargo we had a thunderstorm so I took the opportunity to go zombie hunting. What I saw was the stuff of internet legend. A bald, toothy, decaying walker appeared to me in a clearing from the north side of a ditch along the highway. I was only able to snap one photo of the heavy-breathing ghoul before fleeing since I was unable to take the thing down–I had forgotten my crossbow before venturing out! The walker looked to have procured a new t-shirt and jeans somehow (most likely from its last victim) so at first glance it looked like just another drunk human wandering the grass, but upon getting a closer look I now know what I saw. A flesh-hungry zombie.

As far as I know, the creature is still on the loose somewhere in West Fargo. Until the walker is taken out, i’d like to remind everyone to lock your doors at night and if you see a grey shirt/blue jeans-wearing corpse lurking around your home or residence, notify the Observer immediately.