Fargo, ND – The Red River Blood Bank is in dire need of hiring some experienced vampires to be staff phlebotomists and perform venipuncture to collect much-needed blood from client/victims.
During Helloween seasoning, the River Of Red Blood Bank sees a bloody uptick in the need for good blood due to a downtick in those who would voluntarily choose to donate their “liquid life force”.
Venipuncture experience is a +
Undead applicant vampires are being sought to work the graveyard shift, from midnight until dawn, with the monthly exception of full moon nights.
If you’re a well-dressed vampire who’s looking for a regular gig, and who can be counted on to show up for work, please contact Ms. Bella Lugosi at the Red River Red Blood Bank to set up an intravenous interview and a chance to show-off your venipuncture skill set.
Downtown Fargo needs more bars to truly be considered a bona fide Drunkfest.
Fargo, ND – As if there wasn’t already enough crime and drunks in the Downtown Fargo area, the addition of a new bar should get those social parameters up to acceptable levels.
Instead of adding much-needed parking spaces, the presence of a brand new bar called Cobweb Jocks will provide Downtown Fargo with the amount of crime and number of drunks it seeks to become a world-class party locale.
“Just like going to a hockey game, what people enjoy the most is seeing drunken fights late at night,” says one late-night bloody-nosed drunk guy who just got done being in a fight.
Coupled with the fact that the Fargo Police headquarters is being relocated from Downtown Fargo to two miles west, people who have chosen to live in Downtown Fargo will soon be nicely surprised by the additional amount of exciting late-night activity happening in their hip-hop hot spot.
The FMO’s doctor friend would now also like to share some tips and tricks for folks who suffer from phlebitis.
FMO: Dr. Willy Nilly, what is phlebitis and how did it get its name?
DWN: First, my heart goes out to anyone who has phlebitis, which is painful blood clotting in the legs. The name comes from an early belief that a small phlebe would actually “bite us” thus causing the pain in the lower extremities. It was later learned that the lower leg pain comes from an inflammation of the phlebes, which is one of my particular areas of specialty.
FMO: What about trombone-phlebitis?
DWN: Trombone players are especially susceptible to phlebitis because of the amount of air pressure required to fill their long horn tubes.
FMO: What tips and tricks can you share for phlebitis sufferers?
DWN: After a half century of focused study, my advice would be: 1. Stop taking the pill (unless it’s asspirin). 2. Wear special support stockings. 3. Walk instead of drive or fly to your destination. 4. Don’t smoke cigarettes in bed. 5. Do as many jumping jacks as possible 3 times a day. 6. Do a head-stand while watching TV. 7. Attend local Phlebitis Support Groups for the latest information.
If you have phlebitis and would like Dr. Willy Nilly and his staff to visit you at your home, simply dial 1-800-WILL-NILL. Please leave a detailed message describing your problem and any other pertinent information that might help Dr. Willy Nilly help you.