Wear an anti-musk mask to avoid being overcome by the pungent odor from the beastly migrating oxen.
Fargo, ND – While North Dakota is still dealing with the Covid crisis, it will soon also have to contend with a Bovid crisis.
Thousands of musk ox from the Bovid family of large hoofed mammals will soon be doing their annual migration.
Because of climate change, this year’s route is going to bring an extremely large group of the strong musk-smelling animals through the Fargo area.
Authorities are recommending that the public wear masks when outside due to the powerful musky odor emitted by the males who are trying to attract females.
Because some of the animals weigh almost 900 pounds, people are also asked to quarantine during the times that the musk ox migration is moving through our region.
In summary, because of the Bovid migration, either shelter in place (in small groups) to stay safe, or if you must go out for beer, wear a mask to maximize your herd immunity to the strong musky smell and minimize your chances of being overcome by the intense Bovidian odor.
Use two limes to protect yourself against the deadly Corona Virus.
Corona, SD – With another disease heading our way from China, our very own Dr. Orvin Caruso who lives and works in Corona, South Dakota is already well ahead of this new and potentially deadly virus.
Dr. Caruso first points out that the Corona Virus is a meat-eating virus since the letters in 🅲🅾🆁🅾🅽🅰 🆅🅸🆁🆄🆂 can be quickly mutated into spelling: 🅲🅰🆁🅽🅸🆅🅾🆁🅾🆄🆂
Orv goes on to explain that since we now know that the 🅲🅾🆁🅾🅽🅰 🆅🅸🆁🆄🆂 is of the 🅲🅰🆁🅽🅸🆅🅾🆁🅾🆄🆂 type, its spreading can be effectively quelled by using an extra lime with your Corona, like pirates did to prevent scurvy.
“Instead of one lime, simply use two,” Dr. Caruso spells out, as if we’re all back in first grade.
Amazingly, all of the letters in “Orvin Caruso” can be mutated into spelling: Corona Virus!
Warning: Do not try to lift the 99-Pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer by yourself!
Fargo, ND – In an unfortunate incident involving the purchase of beer, an elderly Fargo man met his demise when he tried walking off with more than he could carry.
Mr. Cantine Pinkney, upon seeing the giant cases of Pabst Blue Ribbon in his favorite liquor store, decided to buy the 99-pack of beer for $99.
Pabst Blue Ribbon strongly suggests that their 99-packs of beer be carried by at least two strong people because they weigh in at around 99 pounds.
While attempting to walk out of the store carrying his large 99-pound 99-pack of PBR, Mr. Cantine Pinkney quickly succumbed to the massive weight, and suddenly collapsed into the glass exit door with the entire 99-pack landing directly on top of him causing immediate lights-out for old man Pinkney.
Crushingly, all of the letters in Cantine Pinkney can unfortunately be re-arranged to spell: Ninety-Nine Pack!
Compared to the worst winters ever, this coming winter will top the charts.
West Fargo, ND – The good news is that your FM Observer just hired one of the best weather forecasters in the business.
The bad news is that our very own Dr. Noblin Glasgow is predicting the worst winter ever for our North Central region of the country.
Unfortunately, what we are hearing from Dr. Glasgow is that this coming winter will far exceed any of the previous worst winters on record.
“I am very sorry to say that this winter will make the winters of 1888, 1920, 1941, 1966, and 1997 look like birthday parties at a country club,” explains Dr. Noblin Glasgow while smoking a cigar amongst his stacks of scientific data.
Obviously, in light of this unsettling information, locals are calmly advised to stock up on all the usuals: candles, shovels, Doritos, and beer.
Interestingly, all the letters in Noblin Glasgow can be blown around to spell: Global Snowing!
All future outdoor murals in Mandan must somehow include a reference to a Lonesome Dove.
Mandan, ND – In the city that wants to be known as Mural Central, Mandan’s new Outdoor Artfest will run from October 1st to September 30th each and every year.
After the Mandan City Council decided to have their town be the most mural-friendly community in the nation, artists of all shapes and sizes will be descending on Mandan like lonesome doves onto a peace festival.
One travelling graffiti artist we spoke with explained: “Yah, cool man! Me and many of my friends are heading directly toward Mandan, North Dakota to basically live there and do outdoor art, because that is what we do, and Mandan is where we’ll do it.”
Fabulous door prizes will include: A vintage Vespa scooter, valuable paintings by Amsterdam Douglass, Get-out-of-Jail cards, one-way trips To Grand Forks, unopened cans of Spam, breeding pairs of Sugar Gliders, autographed and framed pictures of Dr. Willy Nilly, and lots more!
Amazingly accurate fortune tellings will be performed by Precog!
How to get to FMO Headquarters from almost anywhere: Turn right at the next light, drive 4.2 miles until you see a small house on a corner, turn left, and then simply follow our welcome signs. Enjoy! And thanks for reading the FM Observer ☺
West Fargo, ND – If a new couple has just moved into your neighborhood, within the first two weeks after they’ve arrived, you should definitely show up unannounced at their front door during normal visiting hours, with a few nice house-warming presents.
This will not only satisfy all your curiosities about what your new neighbors are like, but will also allow them to get a good first impression of you and some of your idiosyncrasies.
Showing up without any sort of present is very gauche! Because you are expecting your new neighbors to invite you in for snacks and coffee or beer, having some sort of gift is certainly mandatory.
Specifically for the Fargo and West Fargo area, here are some great ideas for good house-warming gifts:
☺ A Trump-scented candle to make America smell great again
☺ Any animal about to be euthanized at the Humane Society
☺ A list of all your phone numbers and email addresses
☺ A box of doggy treats for canine family members
☺ A partially redacted copy of the Mueller Report
☺ A variety pack of different colored duct tapes
☺ A framed autographed picture of yourself
☺ An extra-large (unopened) bottle of booze
☺ An old Bible from any second-hand store
☺ A living, breeding pair of Sugar Gliders
☺ A brand new submersible sump pump
☺ A few of your favorite hotdish recipes
☺ Season tickets to Bison football
☺ Any Michael Bolton CDs
☺ A few memory lanterns
St. Patrick would ring a bell to begin Ireland’s famous Shamrock Beer Fest!
Cork City, Ireland – Because many FM Observers have such strong ties to Ireland, we decided to take a trip and celebrate St. Patrick’s day with the Irish.
While visiting with Corkonians here in Cork City, we’ve learned many things about Saint Patricius, which actually means “patron of the citizens”.
Besides being the patron saint of Ireland, Saint Patrick brought Christianity, shamrocks, and green beer to this famous island.
Patricius also rid the island of druids and snakes back in the Fifth Century, which both were a big problem until Patrick showed up.
Everyone in our FMO group that was lucky enough to travel here really enjoyed hiking up to the top of Mount Patrick to see where the famous patron saint used to go camping and drink green beer during occasional 40-day fasts.
After we return back to Fargo, we’all plan on helping out with the sand bagging efforts to save the city, since we’re hearing that the Red River Diversion Project is not quite completely finished yet.
Fargone, ND – As if Fargo didn’t already have enough problems to deal with (such as beavers, flooding, and pinochle), now city leaders can add an unexpected and unwanted outbreak of Ekbom’s Syndrome to its growing list of emerging emergencies.
Luckily, the country’s leading Ekbom expert was immediately available to head up here to God’s Country at the drop of a hat into the packing of his suitcase.
“What we are initially seeing here is a highly typical case of the Ekbom’s Syndrome playing itself out in this community you refer to as Fargo,” explains Dr. Harshnel Quadflop, as he carefully inscribes small sentences into his old, thick, red notebook.
Advice from Dr. Quadflop includes: 1. Don’t panic. 2. Go about your lives as normally as possible. 3. Report any symptoms of Ekbom’s Syndrome to your local authorities. 4. Stay well-stocked up on adult beverages. 5. Nap as needed, unless called upon to shovel or sandbag. 6. Monitor and disseminate all pertinent news on a need-to-know basis.