Tag Archives: man

Fargo Man Crushed To Death While Trying To Carry 99-Pack Of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer

Warning: Do not try to lift the 99-Pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer by yourself!

Fargo, ND – In an unfortunate incident involving the purchase of beer, an elderly Fargo man met his demise when he tried walking off with more than he could carry.

Mr. Cantine Pinkney, upon seeing the giant cases of Pabst Blue Ribbon in his favorite liquor store, decided to buy the 99-pack of beer for $99.

Pabst Blue Ribbon strongly suggests that their 99-packs of beer be carried by at least two strong people because they weigh in at around 99 pounds.

While attempting to walk out of the store carrying his large 99-pound 99-pack of PBR, Mr. Cantine Pinkney quickly succumbed to the massive weight, and suddenly collapsed into the glass exit door with the entire 99-pack landing directly on top of him causing immediate lights-out for old man Pinkney.

Crushingly, all of the letters in Cantine Pinkney can unfortunately be re-arranged to spell: Ninety-Nine Pack!

Man Tweaks Life Plan After Doctor Tells Him He May Not Live Forever

Fargo man is totally stunned upon learning that he may not live forever.

Fargone, ND – When Mr. Verner Foot walked into his doctor’s office, he was honestly thinking that he would live forever.

When this came up during office visit conversation, his doctor gently broke the news to Verner that the chances of not living forever are about 100%.

Mr. Foot is his own words: “What the hell?! This is certainly news to me. Well, yeah, this definitely changes things, in a rather major way!”

When we asked Verner Foot what sort of life changes he’s planning on making based on this new information, he said: “Pretty much everything, except for diet and lifestyle.”

Anagramically, all the letters in Verner Foot can be mixed around to spell: Not Forever!

Fargo Man Becomes Very Attached To His Brick

My brick is always there for me, it’s real, and makes a great companion.

Fargo, ND – One fine day, Mr. Wade Dumpkins was out for his walk when he came upon a single solitary brick laying on the ground at the edge of an abandoned construction site.

After carefully looking around, Mr. Dumpkins picked up the brick and then decided to carry it home with him.

Mr. Wade Dumpkins has now been taking this brick pretty much everywhere he goes for the last twenty five years.

I love my brick. Isn’t that all that matters?

“It’s become my companion, my best friend, my rock, if you will,” admits Wade, as he lovingly hold his brick in his lap.

“When so much today is not real, like all that fake news on Facebook that caused Hillary to lose it, this orphaned simple brick that I found is something real, dammit, something tangible, someone who is always there for me, do you know what I’m saying?”

Yes, Wade Dumpkins, we do know what you’re saying!

Recently Discovered Neanderthal Man Suing For Being Called Neanderthal

Even tho me be Neanderthal, me no want be called Neanderthal, mmkay?

Cave, Illinois – A recently discovered Neanderthal man from the Cro-Magnon era is suing anyone who has been calling him a Neanderthal man.

In an effort to reduced the number of times he will be called a Neanderthal in the future, Neanderthal man’s attorney states that the lawsuit is against anyone who has called Neanderthal man a Neanderthal since his recent discovery in a cave.

The lawsuit is for $750 million in the form of a class-action lawsuit against any and all who have referred to Neanderthal man as such.

Neanderthal man was recently discovered down in his cave by some teenagers who say they were “not” going there to experiment with drugs.

Neanderthal man is currently employed in Chicago at the famous Museum Of Natural History as a guide in the Cro-Magnon era section.

Neanderthal man look for mate with whom to mate.

Subsequent to coming out of the cave, Neanderthal man came out of the closet and announced that he is a homo sapien who is looking for a mate to mate to make young Neanderthals just like him.

Neanderthal man likes to walk barefoot in the park, play with rocks, hang out in his man cave, and write hieroglyphics on the walls.

If you would like to meet or make contact with Neanderthal man, simply send him a message translated from your language into Neanderthal using Google’s translation site. Please mark your correspondence specifically to: Dear Neanderthal man!

Man Found Living Inside Fargo Piano

A man was found living inside this piano in a Fargo apartment.

Fargo, ND – Unbeknownst to the residents of a Fargo apartment, a man was found living inside their upright piano.

Needless to say, the residents are “kind of freaking out” about the whole situation, say police investigators who are working this bizarre case.

“Now, in retrospect, this might explain why some of the notes didn’t work so good when we were doing some sing-alongs at Christmastime,” ponders Mrs. Anonymous who was willing to speak “on the record” if able to maintain her total anonymity and privacy.

Mrs. Evelina Volšek of 12320 Camden Place in North Fargo is now looking for another piano which hopefully does not have a strange man living inside of it.

If you know of a free, uninhabited piano which could be donated to Mrs. Evelina Volšek of 12320 Camden Place in North Fargo, please contact her directly, day or night, but please remember to respect her privacy as she wishes to remain totally anonymous.

Thin Man Found Living Inside Fargo Family’s Chair

A thin man had been living in this chair for 30 years. Police asking folks to check their furniture.

A thin man had been living in this chair for 30 years. Police asking folks to check their furniture.

Fargo, ND – In what police are calling a “very bizarre situation”, a thin elderly man was recently discovered to be living inside a Fargo family’s large comfy chair, which had been in the middle of their living room.

Apparently, after delivering the large, over-stuffed chair to their home thirty years ago, the man decided to crawl inside the chair and stay for awhile.

The man would sneak out at night to get food from the fridge, perhaps stop in the bathroom, and then crawl back inside the chair.

He admits: “During the last thirty years, I sometimes did get rather bored, but then someone would come and sit in the chair, which was always fun for me.”

The Police are now referring to the man as the Chairman of the Bored.

Police are also requesting that everyone in the community please check all your furniture for any unexpected inhabitants who may be living inside.

Man Arrested In Moorhead Assault Says His Affliction Shirt Is To Blame


Moorhead, MN – Earlier this month, a man was arrested for assault and sexual assault for attacking a woman in downtown Moorhead.


Richard Haaland, age 46, was arrested at his home after a video near the crime scene identified Haaland as the suspect of the alleged assault which happened on the morning of September 6th near Main Avenue and 5th Street.

Richard Haaland is claiming that it was not he himself that committed the crime but was his Affliction shirt he was wearing at the time that sexually assaulted the women.

Haaland might actually have a case.  Affliction shirts have been known to be worn by men who are afflicted with a disease called douche-baggary.

Haaland has been admitted to the hospital where he is under going various tests to see if his disease is actually to blame for the crime.  It is being advised that all men refrain from wearing affliction t-shirts to reduce your risk of contacting the douche-baggary disease.