Moorhead, MN – Earlier this month, a man was arrested for assault and sexual assault for attacking a woman in downtown Moorhead.
Richard Haaland, age 46, was arrested at his home after a video near the crime scene identified Haaland as the suspect of the alleged assault which happened on the morning of September 6th near Main Avenue and 5th Street.
Richard Haaland is claiming that it was not he himself that committed the crime but was his Affliction shirt he was wearing at the time that sexually assaulted the women.
Haaland might actually have a case. Affliction shirts have been known to be worn by men who are afflicted with a disease called douche-baggary.
Haaland has been admitted to the hospital where he is under going various tests to see if his disease is actually to blame for the crime. It is being advised that all men refrain from wearing affliction t-shirts to reduce your risk of contacting the douche-baggary disease.
Moorhead, MN – Moorhead police would like your help in catching one dumb fucking criminal who broke into Sunset Lanes around 2 a.m. Sunday. Police say he forced a door open to find a shit load of used bowling balls.
Alright, time for a FM Observer Burning by the one and only Bill Burns.
So, your sitting around being fat on your stupid fat couch and think, “Oh fuck yea! I just thought of the greatest plan ever. I’m going to break into the ever so busy and popular Sunset Lanes in Moorhead. I’m going to be fucking rich! Retiring a millionaire bitch! F YOU SOCIETY.”
So out of the hundreds of establishments with actual cash or items that would be worth stealing, you decide to risk jail time, getting shot, your career of being fat, family disownment, and an entire town laughing at you, to break into a bowling alley? What did you expect to find there mister smarty pants? A shit load of cash? You found a bunch of used bowling balls you fucking idiot. Maybe a few hundred dollars? If that was really what you were after then you could only carry, what, three bowling balls at a time? And what would you do with all those used bowling balls? Judging by your picture on the fat cam, carrying three would be too tough for you. You would probably have to carry one at a time and that’s just stupid when you’re running against the clock during a robbery. Maybe there is some type of hidden treasure buried deep underground, then…a to hell with it, there’s no treasure. I’m just wishful thinking. Trying to find ways to justify your stupidness. Lastly, what is with the stupid cliche ski mask? Come on! You are already knee deep in shit when you decide to break into a business, why not wear a mask with some class? A mask that is unique. Something like the picture below.
The FM Observer loves the Fargo-Moorhead area and hates degenerate criminals. Especially ones who break into small business establishments just trying to make a living. Let’s have a first here. The first time FM Observer fans catch a criminal. So, show the picture above (not the guy with a vagina mask, the actual criminal) to everyone you know and lets nab this asshole.
Fergus Falls, MN – Jesus who currently is parading around as a 43 year-old named Matthew Swanson, was arrested for disorderly conduct Wednesday afternoon while mowing the lawn in a loin cloth. It is believed that the Jesus part of Jesus got the better of him and he slipped out of disguise for a brief moment which led to the loin cloth mowing incident.
Neighbors reported seeing a man resembling Jesus, mowing his lawn with his balls swinging about in the wind. Once police arrived, Jesus just casually continued to mow the lawn with balls in full swinging motion yelling obscenities towards the police. Jesus apparently dislikes the police as much as us humans. He just wouldn’t stop which led to the arrest.