Question: What is the mask strategy? Answer: To not do anything that would effectively slow the spread of the coronavirus.
West Fargo, ND – Rather than imposing a mask mandate like neighboring Fargo finally did, West Fargo’s wizards of smart decided to implement a Mask Strategy.
You may ask: What is West Fargo’s mask strategy?
Apparently West Fargo’s mask strategy is to “strongly encourage” the wearing of masks without hurting the feelings of any pandemically-challenged people who think wearing a mask is just too difficult. (Most anti-maskers realize too late that being intubated is a lot more difficult than simply wearing a mask.)
Unfortunately, it seems that strong encouragement and invitations for personal responsibility don’t get through to blockheads that either don’t understand the serious nature of a highly contagious pandemic or whose stubbornness will eventually lead to our collective demise.
The FM Observer would like to congratulate the West Fargo City Commission on having a special meeting to come up with a strategy that has less teeth than a jellyfish and which will result in zero effect toward stemming the tidal wave of exponential covidian spread.
It may take weeks to put together the pieces of this puzzling death.
Fargo, ND – What began as a potentially fun afternoon gradually swirled into a personal implosion for one jigsaw puzzle tournament participant.
Mr. Lemm Tweed–Clopton entered the annual jigsaw puzzle tournament with high hopes of possibly finishing in the Top Five people to successfully complete a very challenging jigsaw puzzle in one very intense race against time.
Mr. Tweed–Clopton had not done very well in past tournaments but regular practice sessions seemed to have indicated some improvement.
Shortly after the tournament’s starting bell, Lemm began experiencing a major panic attack caused by extreme frustration from not being able to get any of the puzzle pieces to fit together.
When the ambulance showed up minutes later, Mr. Lemm Tweed–Clopton was pronounced dead, but the actual cause of death remains puzzling.
Unfortunately for him, all of the letters in Lemm Tweed–Clopton can be re-pieced together to spell:Complete Meltdown!
Unanimous vote for the death penalty to any jaywalkers in Downtown Fargo.
Fargo, ND – The People’s Militia Group which oversees the Fargo area, unanimously voted at their latest meeting for all Downtown Fargo jaywalkers to receive the death penalty.
The head of the People’s Militia Group is Janik Longway who firmly said: “Since jaywalking is a heinously problematic crime in the Downtown Fargo area, we solemnly recommend the death penalty for any and all jaywalkers.”
“Also, we strongly believe that anyone caught with a parked car on the streets of Fargo after four or more inches of snow has fallen should also receive the death penalty after their car has been quickly compacted into a small, stackable, one foot cube for easy removal.”
If you have a differing opinion on these matters, you’re invited to speak out against them at the next meeting of the People’s Militia Group.
Punishingly, all of the letters in Janik Longway can be re-arranged into: No Jaywalking!
Warning: Do not try to lift the 99-Pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer by yourself!
Fargo, ND – In an unfortunate incident involving the purchase of beer, an elderly Fargo man met his demise when he tried walking off with more than he could carry.
Mr. Cantine Pinkney, upon seeing the giant cases of Pabst Blue Ribbon in his favorite liquor store, decided to buy the 99-pack of beer for $99.
Pabst Blue Ribbon strongly suggests that their 99-packs of beer be carried by at least two strong people because they weigh in at around 99 pounds.
While attempting to walk out of the store carrying his large 99-pound 99-pack of PBR, Mr. Cantine Pinkney quickly succumbed to the massive weight, and suddenly collapsed into the glass exit door with the entire 99-pack landing directly on top of him causing immediate lights-out for old man Pinkney.
Crushingly, all of the letters in Cantine Pinkney can unfortunately be re-arranged to spell: Ninety-Nine Pack!
Big Bird seen here walking with two of his grand-children just moments before he was struck by a texting distracted driver.
Sesame Street, NY – The world is mourning the passing of one of its favorite large birds.
Big Bird from Sesame Street died in his nest whilst surrounded by his family and close friends at the age of 70, which is like 150 in bird years.
The cause of death was firstly complications from the avian bird flu which then were secondarily compounded with having been hit by a distracted driver at 50 mph who felt it necessary to type LOL in response to a stupid joke.
No word yet on any funeral arrangements for what is expected to be a large group wanting to cry their goodbyes to Big Bird.
Pallbearers will include his best friend Mr. Snuffleupagus who says monetary gifts can be given to support your local PBS station during their upcoming fund drives since President Trump is imposing draconian cuts to the funding of the Public Broadcasting Service.
Impeach is the new favorite ice cream flavor in many blue states.
West Fargo, ND – Surrounded by family, close friends, and a few random strangers, Mr. Patrum McPhie let himself go toward the light after hearing the news that President Trump had just been impeached.
Dr. Mutch Pimpare who was acting as spokesperson for the motley group, said they believed it was the best thing to offer up the fake news to the family’s dying patriarch that President Trump had just been impeached so that Mr. McPhie could just relax and go in peace.
Ironically, both Mutch Pimpare and Patrum McPhie can somehow be magically re-arranged to spell: Impeach Trump!
Man comes back from dead after clocks turned back an hour!
Fargo, ND – In what doctors are calling “highly unusual”, a hospital patient who had passed away during the early Sunday morning hours came back to life after the hospital turned the clocks back an hour to Central Standard Time.
Dr. Bernard LaFlange had pronounced the patient dead 35 minutes earlier.
But then, right at 2:00 AM, when the clocks went back to 1:00 AM, the older male patient returned to life just as if nothing had happened.
The man’s family was completely stunned as would be expected under such bizarre circumstances.
A spokesperson for the hospital admits that it is not certain whether or not changing the clocks back an hour had anything to do with the patient’s revival from the dead.
When the patient was asked about the incident, he simply responded that he would like to go to Denny’s Restaurant and order the Grand Slam breakfast platter and a pot of coffee.
Hankinson, ND—A pillar of the Hankinson community is gone. Locals mourn the loss of Wurlot Bong Maxomer, Co-Chief Operating Officer of Dakota Gaming Enterprises, which holds a stake in Dakota Magic Casino & Resort & Hotel.
County coroner’s initial report states that Wurlot died of “monetarial asphyxiation”, meaning he was smothered to death by an enormous pile of cash.
An excerpt from his eulogy, delivered by his lovely wife Mildred:
“…Wurlot was old-fashioned. He was highly suspicious of banks, so he kept all the casino earnings in big, fat wads of hundred-dollar bills. There got to be so much money that we had to pile it up in neatly stacked cash castles throughout our gigantic mansion. It was one of these cash castles that did Wurl in. He went to adjust the very top row of a 15-foot-high castle then lost his balance and fell into it. The Benjamins tower toppled onto him and smooshed him. Oh, it was gruesome! There was Benjamins and guts and Benjamins covered in guts and guts with Benjamins stuck to them. It was everywhere! The dog was licking some of it up. My Wurlot. He died doing what he loved: using your money.”
The District Attorney is expected to file a class-action “wrongful death” lawsuit against casino patrons, claiming that gamblers willfully contributed to the death of Mr. Bong Maxomer via a long series of free-will donations.