Mildred Bong Maxomer

Hankinson, ND—A pillar of the Hankinson community is gone. Locals mourn the loss of Wurlot Bong Maxomer, Co-Chief Operating Officer of Dakota Gaming Enterprises, which holds a stake in Dakota Magic Casino & Resort & Hotel.

County coroner’s initial report states that Wurlot died of “monetarial asphyxiation”, meaning he was smothered to death by an enormous pile of cash.

An excerpt from his eulogy, delivered by his lovely wife Mildred:

“…Wurlot was old-fashioned. He was highly suspicious of banks, so he kept all the casino earnings in big, fat wads of hundred-dollar bills. There got to be so much money that we had to pile it up in neatly stacked cash castles throughout our gigantic mansion. It was one of these cash castles that did Wurl in. He went to adjust the very top row of a 15-foot-high castle then lost his balance and fell into it. The Benjamins tower toppled onto him and smooshed him. Oh, it was gruesome! There was Benjamins and guts and Benjamins covered in guts and guts with Benjamins stuck to them. It was everywhere! The dog was licking some of it up. My Wurlot. He died doing what he loved: using your money.”

The District Attorney is expected to file a class-action “wrongful death” lawsuit against casino patrons, claiming that gamblers willfully contributed to the death of Mr. Bong Maxomer via a long series of free-will donations.