Tag Archives: money

Lottery Winner From Fargo Blows It All On A Single Purchase

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Say hello to the 118 foot Wally-118 made by Wally Yachts of the Ferretti Group.

Fargo, ND – After winning a $33 million jackpot in one of the various lottery games, Tommy Swinehart decided to buy himself a real nice boat.

Since he had just won big, Tommy wanted to think big.

Mr. Swinehart ended up purchasing a Wally 118 luxury motor yacht.

This incredibly designed boat tops out at 70 mph due to its 16,800 total horsepower.

Within its 118 foot length, the Wally 118 has a saloon, a dining area, a navigation cockpit, and holds 5,800 gallons of fuel.

Tommy also fell in love with the six plasma TVs, the king-sized master bedroom, the two queen guest rooms, each bedroom having his/her en suite bathrooms.

Unfortunately, Mr. Swinehart’s new Wally 118 cost $33 million, thus leaving Tommy with no money with which to use his expensive luxury motor yacht.

Expectedly, all the letters in Tommy Swinehart can be re-arranged to spell: Smart With Money!

​Wealthy Benefactor Offers Conditional Money For Two Red River Valley Counties

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King Poladian Cordeiro of Cyprus

Las Vegas, NV – King Poladian Cordeiro of Cyprus has announced a conditional offering of very large sums of money for two lucky counties in the Red River Valley of the North.

King Cordeiro of Cyprus is offering Cass County $1 Billion for building the Red River Diversion project.

However, the Diversion project must be completely finished by October 31, 2021 or Cass County will owe the King twice his offer.

Separately, Poladian Cordeiro is offering Grand Forks County $500 Million if they can get UND’s team name changed back to the Fighting Sioux by January 1, 2021.

When asked why these generous offers for North Dakota, Poladian Cordeiro explained that he loves the movie Fargo, and he used to play hockey for UND.

FMO’s Insurance Desk Now Offering Weekend Insurance!

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FMO’s Weekend Insurance turns a bad weekend into a not-so-bad weekend :o)

Eastern West Fargo, Southeastern North Dakota – Yes folks, you read it right! FM Observer (which shall be referred to as FMO, or The Company) has now directed our FMO Insurance Desk to offer our readers Weekend Insurance!

For a limited time, and for a limited time only, the FMO Insurance Desk will take in larger amounts of premium from you every month, and then pay you much smaller amounts of money if and when the weather totally ruins your weekend!

To those of you smart ones who select the No-Bullshit Upgrade: “It’s such a pity when the weekend turns shity” but at least you’ll be marginally compensated for it…but only if you have: FMO Weekend Insurance!

Jandro Gladstone: “I am a true believer in FMO’s Weekend Insurance, and I really like their No-Bullshit Upgrade, which is only $10 more per month!“

So, just remember, if the weekend is a total loss (like this weekend), FMO’s Weekend Insurance might be just what you’re looking for…along with a free Bloody Mary to our first five customers!

FMO Insurance Desk’s Weekend Insurance: “When it rains, we’re your rainbow.” [Sorry, no pre-exisiting conditions allowed.]

Dr. Finance: Should I Buy Some Lottery Tickets For The Mega Jackpot?

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When the lottery jackpot gets up to a billion dollars, Dr. Finance says it’s time to go All IN.

Jackpot, Nevada – Dear Dr. Finance: You’ve previously stated that gambling is a tax on the stupid. But would you say it’s OK to buy a lottery ticket when the jackpot gets up over a billion dollars? Thanks, Zephania Winther

Dear Zephania: Buying lottery tickets normally is something I would not recommend. Since the odds are so against you, any sort of gambling is definitely a tax on the stupid.

However, when the jackpots reach ridiculous levels, such as the Mega-Millions lottery game, it then becomes time to go all-in.

At this juncture, I would strongly recommend that you buy as many Mega-Millions lottery tickets as you can comfortably afford.

I myself am using the equity in my home to purchase as many tickets as I can between now and the time of the next drawing.

The chance to win a giant jackpot of $1.6 Billion rarely comes along, so, to answer your question: I would say it’s more than OK to give it a shot because someone has to eventually win it and it might just be you!

To be super proactive, you may want to have the phone numbers of a good accountant and attorney near by.

The New Aaron Rodgers $10 Bills Are Very Popular In Wisconsin

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The new $10 “Buck Rodgers”

Green Bay, Wisconsin – Folks in the cheese state are snapping up the new $10 federal reserve notes like chiclets.

After quarterback Aaron Rodgers signed his new mega-million dollar contract which runs thru 2023, the U.S. Mint in Milwaukee started printing the new Aaron Rodgers $10 bills mostly for circulation in Wisconsin.

Derck Burgos, who initiated the idea, says that cheese heads are really loving their new currency.

“Even tho Wisconsinites are loving having their beloved quarterback on the ten-spot, we don’t think people in Chicago or Minneapolis are going to go for these new bills,” opines Mr. Burgos.

Ironically, all the letters in Derck Burgos can be re-arranged to spell: Buck Rodgers!

Dear Dr. Finance: Is This A Good Time To Buy Gold?

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Dr. Finance has almost completely filled the FMO corporate break room with gold bars.

West Fargo, ND – We recently received a question for our very own Dr. Finance from a Mr. Don Salberg.

Mr. Salberg writes: Dear Dr. Finance, Is this a good time to buy gold?

Dear Don: Yes it is! As the chief financial officer for the FM Observer Corporation, I have green-lighted the buying of gold bars for some time now.

If you buy on a regular basis like we have been doing, you will be able to dollar-cost-average your way into the gold market.

With gold at about $1,200 per ounce, this does seem to be a favorable time to purchase gold.

The FM Observer break room is now almost completely full of pallets of gold bars, and we plan on buying more until there is no more room.

Ironically, all the letters in Don Salberg can be electroplated to spell: Golden Bars!

To Show Respect, They’re Leaving Barbara Bush On The One Dollar Bill

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First Lady Barbara Bush will happily remain on the one dollar bill until further notice.

Washington, DC – Out of respect for former First Lady Barbara Bush, the Treasury Department has instructed the Federal Reserve to keep her picture on the one dollar bill, as it has been for decades.

As sitting Treasury Secretary, Steven Mnuchin believes we need to stand up and keep honoring former First Lady Barbara Bush by leaving her picture on the dollar bill where she has gracefully been since the Reagan administration.

President Trump, who might have had something to do with this decision, agrees that leaving Barbara Bush on the dollar bill is the right thing to do, while adding: “Someday soon, I would like to see Melania on some of our money, and I think most would agree that would be a really great thing!”

Tiger Woods Asking For Help And Understanding After Admitting Being Wealthy Ain’t Easy

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Tiger Woods is asking for help.

Jupiter, Florida – In the wake of Tiger Woods getting arrested for driving under the influence (of something), many see this as his quiet way of asking for help.

Dr. Pedigo Elsworth explains that Tiger Woods may be the victim of over-wealthiness which can easily take its toll on an otherwise fairly normal person.

Dr. Dople Seigworth concurs, noting that having an abundance of money can leave a vacuous void in someone’s life which is usually filled with drugs, alcohol, facebook, or liberalism.

Life ain’t easy when you’re super rich. Just ask Tiger, whose hair is now going gray.

A Go-Fund-Me account is being set up to help Tiger Woods however none of the money raised will actually be given to Tiger as that would just make matters worse for him.

Tiger Woods: “Yeah, I really appreciate the help and support since that is what I need. The song lyrics ‘When you’re down and troubled, and you need a helping hand, and nothing, nothing is going right’ pretty much describes my life these days.”

Ironically, both Pedigo Elsworth and Dople Seigworth can be rearranged to spell: Help Tiger Woods!

Some FM Area Businesses Allowing Use Of Cookies As Fungible Barter Tool

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Some Fargo-Moorhead businesses accepting cookies as money.

Some FM businesses accepting cookies as money.

Fargo, ND – During the holiday season, some Fargo-Moorhead businesses will be accepting cookies as payment for goods and services for amounts less than $10.

“We here at the R.R.C.C. believe that barter in the form of fungible cookies is alive and well in the FM area,” says Dr. Drake Duckson who is president of the Red River Commerce Commission.

For most local businesses and services that are not part of a national chain, two large home-made cookies equal one dollar. Any other type of cookie would need four for a dollar’s worth of goods and services.

Dr. Duckson: “This allowable form of barter shall be in effect in the greater Fargo-Moorhead area until January 2. After that date, a cookie will just be a cookie.”

Some people are already thinking of using cookies to pay for Uber rides, restaurant tips, and even a drive through the Holiday Lights in Lindenwood Park.

Another creative idea was sent in by Mr. Snarv Barshangler who has even tried using cookies as gratuities for stage dancers at the Northern Gentlemen’s Club.

Merry Cookies from the Red River Commerce Commission! :o^

Fargo Homeless Man Amasses Fortune From Penny Trays

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or, just take all of them when no one is looking.

…or, just take them all when no one’s looking!

Fargo, ND – A homeless man who has been calling Fargo home for the past few years shared his amazing story with the FM Observer recently.

Jevon Varley once took a few pennies from the penny tray at a convenience store check-out counter and put them in his pocket.

He continued to gather and collect pennies, nickels, dimes, and sometimes quarters out of the penny trays from many different places in the area over a period of years.

As a former numismatist, he also knew that some coins were worth much more than their face value.

Mr. Varley stored his coins in coffee cans and when full, would hide or bury them in various places throughout the Fargo-Moorhead area.

At one point, Jevon realized he had gradually amassed quite a respectable sum of money. The total came to just over $98,000!

Unfortunately, in the end, Mr. Varley then took a cab to a local casino and lost it all playing high-stakes poker within a matter of a few hours.

Moral of the story: A penny saved is money earned unless it’s gambled, then it’s burned.