Tag Archives: red river diversion

​Wealthy Benefactor Offers Conditional Money For Two Red River Valley Counties

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King Poladian Cordeiro of Cyprus

Las Vegas, NV – King Poladian Cordeiro of Cyprus has announced a conditional offering of very large sums of money for two lucky counties in the Red River Valley of the North.

King Cordeiro of Cyprus is offering Cass County $1 Billion for building the Red River Diversion project.

However, the Diversion project must be completely finished by October 31, 2021 or Cass County will owe the King twice his offer.

Separately, Poladian Cordeiro is offering Grand Forks County $500 Million if they can get UND’s team name changed back to the Fighting Sioux by January 1, 2021.

When asked why these generous offers for North Dakota, Poladian Cordeiro explained that he loves the movie Fargo, and he used to play hockey for UND.

Proceeds From Famous Painting By Amsterdam Douglass To Help Fund Fargo’s Flood Fight

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Pórtráit óf Ivóry Mittán by Amsterdam Douglass to be auctioned off to help save Fargo.

Fargo, ND – Fargo’s very own Amsterdam Douglass is donating his most famous recent painting for auction to help raise funds for Fargo’s focused fight for freedom from feared forecasted floods.

The painting, which is cleverly entitled Pórtráit óf Ivóry Mittán is valued at $1.8 million because: 1. It is by Amsterdam Douglass, and 2. It is the last known portrait painted of the famous Ivóry Mittán before getting violently struck and killed by a distracted driver who was texting “LOL” to a lame Michael Jackson joke.

Besides helping fill millions of sandbags, you can assist Fargo’s flood fight by donating money to the cause via purchasing a flood fight T-shirt which displays the acronym: F.L.O.O.D. = Fargo Loves Our Own Diversion.

Fargo’s 19th Avenue North Now Open To One Lane Of Traffic

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Fargo’s 72 feet of snow could be a new record!

Fargo, ND – After a record seventy two (72) feet of snow drifted in during this most recent blizzard, 19th avenue North in Fargo is finally open again, but only to one lane of traffic.

City officials are saying that because of the record snowfall, it could take weeks to re-open all four lanes of the road that leads to Fargo’s Hector International Airport.

Luckily, after such an extreme amount of snow, the City of Fargo is now completely protected from Spring flooding by the Red River Diversion project which was just completed for only $2.7 billion.

Red River Diversion Still Trying To Begin Long After It Should Have Been Finished

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Is the Red River Diversion project dead in the water?

Moorhead, MN – In an effort to explain why the Red River Diversion project is still only in the early planning stages, there will be a public meeting to answer questions from frustrated citizens.

One question might be: After decades of discussion and planning, how is it that we are still only at the stage of talking about an environmental impact statement?

Another reasonable question: If the upcoming permit application process goes well, how long after that will it be until the Red River Diversion project is completely finished and ready for a big flood?

At the September 13th public meeting in Moorhead, decaf coffee and doughnut holes will be provided for the first five hundred people to show up.

To save money, the doughnut holes will be the actual holes that remain after the dough is removed from the inside of a doughnut.

All North Dakotans Now Required To Take An Annual Mental Examination

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After being mentally evaluated, every North Dakotan will be ranked as either Green, Yellow, or Red

Green=Fine Yellow=OK Red=Bad

Bismarck, ND – With much of the national discussion being focused on mental health, North Dakota will proactively soon begin annually checking the mental health of each and every one of its citizens.

A new task force called MIND (Mentally Interrogating North Dakota) will do a thorough evaluation of all North Dakotans on their half birthdays.

Based on the official results of their mental examination, every person in North Dakota, over the age of nine (9) will be given one of three possible rankings:

Green Light: You are fine. No major mental problems were detected. See you again in one year, on your next half birthday. (For example: If your birthday is on April 15th, your mandatory mental exams will be every October 15th.)

Yellow Light: Some concerns were detected based on your responses to questions selected especially for you. You will need to be put on a MIND Watch List and retested monthly, until you are hopefully upgraded to a Green Light.

Red Light: A likely problematical situation was detected. You will be held for further testing to determine the magnitude of the problem. For your convenience, padded shuttle buses heading to Jamestown will be standing by.

Elderly Fargo Man Will Not Pay His Property Taxes Until Diversion Is Done

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Why the heck should I have to pay my property taxes until that Diversion is done, eh?

Fargo, ND – A long-time resident of Fargo who was one of the first to originally support the Red River Diversion feels that the city needs a little extra motivation to get the job done.

So, Harold Myerson is planning on not paying his property taxes until the project has been completed.

Mr. Myerson calls it his “silent protest”.

“Yeah, it might seem a bit passive aggressive by some for me to not pay my property taxes but, by jove, I’ve been waiting more than a decade now and we ain’t even to square one yet, dammit!”, barks Harold, who is believed to be about 87 and a half years old.

We asked Harold Myerson if he was perhaps just using the Red River Diversion as an excuse to threaten non-payment of his property taxes, to which he quickly replied:

“Well, what the hell! Hey, just who the heck are you, asking me questions about what I choose to do with my property, and my right to exercise constitutional liberties guaranteed to me by the Bill of Rights?,” retorted the cantankerous old fellow.

We did have a few other questions for Mr. Harold Myerson but decided to save those for another day.

Young Man Digging Fargo Diversion By Himself

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This young Fargo man was so sick and tired of all the delays that he has begun digging the Fargo Diversion by himself.

This young Fargo man was so sick and tired of all the delays that he has begun digging the Fargo Diversion by himself.

Fargo, ND – After seeing more and more red tape causing endless delays, a young Fargo man has taken it upon himself to begin digging the controversial $2.2 billion Red River Diversion.

Timmy Diggs has already dug a half mile diversion channel exactly according to the official Diversion plans and he has no plans to stop digging.

Mrs. Diggs about son Timmy: “Every time there is another delay, Timmy just goes out and digs that much harder!”

Authorities say that if Timmy continues at his current rate, the entire Red River Diversion will be done by next fall and will come in at about $2.1 billion under budget.

Timmy in his own words: “During my long five years on this Earth, I have learned that if you want something to actually get done, you either have to do it yourself, or ask me to do it for you.”

When asked what he plans on doing after the Red River Diversion Project has been completed, Timmy says he is already gearing up to build that wall on our Southern border that Donald Trump has been promising.

Army Corps Of Engineers To Straighten Out Red River For Improved Flowability

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Meandering Red River to get fixed with a route canal.

Meandering Red River to get fixed with a route canal.

Fargo, ND – In an effort to increase the efficiency of the Mighty Red River of the North, the Army Corps of Engineers is going to straighten out the river’s seemingly random and needlessly meandering route.

“By making an almost perfectly straight canal, the river’s route will have much improved flowability,” explains Loran Toca, who is heading up the massive shovel-ready project.

The resulting “route canal” will not only relieve natural “pain” caused by decaying tree roots around each unnecessary curve, but will also help the Amry Corps of Engineers win its War on Meanderings.

Instead of having an inefficient river system with a bunch of superfluous turns and sections (not dissimilar to a governmental bureaucracy), the straightened “route canal” will significantly shorten the waterway for whenever it may be used for transportational purposes.

Chief engineer Loran Toca: “Yeah, this here will be a real sweet deal once we get it all finished up, which should be sometime around the year 2140.”

Excitement Builds For New ‘Fargo Diversion’ Theme Park

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The new Fargo Diversion theme park will redefine what fun is!

Fargo, ND – As support for the proposed FM Red River Diversion Project wanes due to emotional and financial fatigue, excitment is now waxing for a brand new theme park to be called: The Fargo Diversion!

City Commissioner Tom Popcorn reports: “People these days are looking for some sort of diversion from their normal lives of ruts, routines, and responsibilites.”

Popcorn goes on: “Would you rather endlessly plan for flood protection that will never happen OR spend the entire summer using your Fargo Diversion Fun-Pass to experience every fracking ride at the new Fargo Diversion theme park? I know what my family would rather do!”

While the money for a river diversion does not add up, the money for a Fargo Diversion theme park certainly DOES add up, and maybe even multiplies!

Instead of spending $2 billion to route the Red River where it does not want to go, Fargo city leaders now see the benefit of profiting $2 billion in expected revenue from “the most kick-ass fun park between Sioux Falls and Winnipeg!”

Red River Diversion On Hold Due To Analysis Paralysis

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Diversion map to be made into quilt.

Diversion map to be made into quilt.

Red River Valley – After years of maps and meetings, officials are throwing their hands up and saying “Enough is enough!”

“We give up and need a fucking break from all this shit.” said Norman Assberger, chairman of the Diversion Research Information Project (DRIP).

“If one more person comes up to me in the grocery store and wants to talk about ‘The Diversion’, I swear my fist is going to land in their fracking face.” he continued.

With tensions building between opposing groups regarding where the Red River diversion should go, a past all-star wrestler/governor suggested having an alcohol-induced free-for-all brawl to reduce the level of animosity amongst former friends who now are on opposite sides of this polarizing issue.

Some are talking about the possibility of having a ‘Diversion to the Diversion’. This would translate into bringing in Shania’s Twain for a special series of concerts in the Fargo-Moorhead area.

At some participating retirement homes in the area, the map of the diversion project will be made into beautiful quilts in an effort to raise enough money so that members of the Diversion Committee can go on an extended vacation to some remote island and experience the relaxing effects of hot-stone massage therapy.

Professional mediator and website-ordained pastor Harry Bongmeister says that he has seen this type of situation before.

“Yeah, I seen this type of situation before, don’t cha know. Back when them there sugar beet union workers were locked outta that there one building. After too much stress, people just start to snap, crackle, and pop!”

“My professional advice would be: If ya don’t like the stress of being in the limelight no more, take that there lime and mix it with a generous portion of tequila, and propose a few margarita toasts to yourself, if ya know what I’m saying. It certainly works for me!”