Tag Archives: flood

​Wealthy Benefactor Offers Conditional Money For Two Red River Valley Counties

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King Poladian Cordeiro of Cyprus

Las Vegas, NV – King Poladian Cordeiro of Cyprus has announced a conditional offering of very large sums of money for two lucky counties in the Red River Valley of the North.

King Cordeiro of Cyprus is offering Cass County $1 Billion for building the Red River Diversion project.

However, the Diversion project must be completely finished by October 31, 2021 or Cass County will owe the King twice his offer.

Separately, Poladian Cordeiro is offering Grand Forks County $500 Million if they can get UND’s team name changed back to the Fighting Sioux by January 1, 2021.

When asked why these generous offers for North Dakota, Poladian Cordeiro explained that he loves the movie Fargo, and he used to play hockey for UND.

Dr. Harshnel Quadflop Called In To Investigate Fargo’s Recent Outbreak Of Ekbom’s Syndrome

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The esteemed Dr. Harshnel Quadflop

Fargone, ND – As if Fargo didn’t already have enough problems to deal with (such as beavers, flooding, and pinochle), now city leaders can add an unexpected and unwanted outbreak of Ekbom’s Syndrome to its growing list of emerging emergencies.

Luckily, the country’s leading Ekbom expert was immediately available to head up here to God’s Country at the drop of a hat into the packing of his suitcase.

“What we are initially seeing here is a highly typical case of the Ekbom’s Syndrome playing itself out in this community you refer to as Fargo,” explains Dr. Harshnel Quadflop, as he carefully inscribes small sentences into his old, thick, red notebook.

Advice from Dr. Quadflop includes: 1. Don’t panic. 2. Go about your lives as normally as possible. 3. Report any symptoms of Ekbom’s Syndrome to your local authorities. 4. Stay well-stocked up on adult beverages. 5. Nap as needed, unless called upon to shovel or sandbag. 6. Monitor and disseminate all pertinent news on a need-to-know basis.

Fargo’s 19th Avenue North Now Open To One Lane Of Traffic

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Fargo’s 72 feet of snow could be a new record!

Fargo, ND – After a record seventy two (72) feet of snow drifted in during this most recent blizzard, 19th avenue North in Fargo is finally open again, but only to one lane of traffic.

City officials are saying that because of the record snowfall, it could take weeks to re-open all four lanes of the road that leads to Fargo’s Hector International Airport.

Luckily, after such an extreme amount of snow, the City of Fargo is now completely protected from Spring flooding by the Red River Diversion project which was just completed for only $2.7 billion.

Red River Diversion Still Trying To Begin Long After It Should Have Been Finished

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Is the Red River Diversion project dead in the water?

Moorhead, MN – In an effort to explain why the Red River Diversion project is still only in the early planning stages, there will be a public meeting to answer questions from frustrated citizens.

One question might be: After decades of discussion and planning, how is it that we are still only at the stage of talking about an environmental impact statement?

Another reasonable question: If the upcoming permit application process goes well, how long after that will it be until the Red River Diversion project is completely finished and ready for a big flood?

At the September 13th public meeting in Moorhead, decaf coffee and doughnut holes will be provided for the first five hundred people to show up.

To save money, the doughnut holes will be the actual holes that remain after the dough is removed from the inside of a doughnut.

Tsunami False Alarm Issued For State Of North Dakota

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The legendary state of North Dakota receives its first ever Tsunami Warning.

Bismarck, ND – Even though it did seem a bit odd at the time, a Tsunami Warning was issued for the entire state of North Dakota.

Without thinking, many folks in North Dakota did have a panicky knee-jerk reaction to the warning, which read: “Tsunami Alert – Listen To Radio: This is not a test!”

Lester Schnopgaard told us that after getting his entire family up onto their roof, he then began to wonder: “Hey, how could a tsunami hit North Dakota, and where the heck would the water be coming from?”

Most people who tuned into the radio only heard some country music or a night-time discussion about how aliens have taken over the White House.

About 28 minutes after the Tsunami Warning was issued, it was then cancelled, which was a huge relief to Lester Schnopgaard and the entire state of North Dakota.

Elderly Fargo Man Will Not Pay His Property Taxes Until Diversion Is Done

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Why the heck should I have to pay my property taxes until that Diversion is done, eh?

Fargo, ND – A long-time resident of Fargo who was one of the first to originally support the Red River Diversion feels that the city needs a little extra motivation to get the job done.

So, Harold Myerson is planning on not paying his property taxes until the project has been completed.

Mr. Myerson calls it his “silent protest”.

“Yeah, it might seem a bit passive aggressive by some for me to not pay my property taxes but, by jove, I’ve been waiting more than a decade now and we ain’t even to square one yet, dammit!”, barks Harold, who is believed to be about 87 and a half years old.

We asked Harold Myerson if he was perhaps just using the Red River Diversion as an excuse to threaten non-payment of his property taxes, to which he quickly replied:

“Well, what the hell! Hey, just who the heck are you, asking me questions about what I choose to do with my property, and my right to exercise constitutional liberties guaranteed to me by the Bill of Rights?,” retorted the cantankerous old fellow.

We did have a few other questions for Mr. Harold Myerson but decided to save those for another day.

Fargo Facebook Families Fatally Fear Fifty Foot Fast Flood Forecast

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Trying to be calmly proactive, fearful Fargo families fighting fifty foot fast-melting flood.

Fargo, ND – With the forecast calling for quick climate change from global cooling to global warming, many who fought The Big Flood zactly 20 years are starting to squirm any time the words “sand” or “bag” are mentioned.

The Benson Family: “Yah, we probly should’ve built that Red River Diversion by now, doncha know?”

The Sakimov Family: “We have already started filling sandbags out in our garage, like since last month I think, and we already hava-lota-vum.”

The Grinstein Group: “In school, my son herd that a very fast melt caused by rain could suddenly cause a record fifty foot flood right hier in River City, baby!”

The LaQuan Family Corp: “We are seriously looking into procuring a plethora of sandbags from various reliable sources some of which may be online. We steal sand from wherever we can dig it, man.”

The Nillson Gathering: “We just feel real real lucky to have all our favorite Facebook friends to help us out by firstly liking us on Facebook and secondly leaving such helpful and wonderful comments while they’re supposedly vacationing down there in Guatemala which I half suspect is basically just all trumped up.”

Excitement Builds For New ‘Fargo Diversion’ Theme Park

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The new Fargo Diversion theme park will redefine what fun is!

Fargo, ND – As support for the proposed FM Red River Diversion Project wanes due to emotional and financial fatigue, excitment is now waxing for a brand new theme park to be called: The Fargo Diversion!

City Commissioner Tom Popcorn reports: “People these days are looking for some sort of diversion from their normal lives of ruts, routines, and responsibilites.”

Popcorn goes on: “Would you rather endlessly plan for flood protection that will never happen OR spend the entire summer using your Fargo Diversion Fun-Pass to experience every fracking ride at the new Fargo Diversion theme park? I know what my family would rather do!”

While the money for a river diversion does not add up, the money for a Fargo Diversion theme park certainly DOES add up, and maybe even multiplies!

Instead of spending $2 billion to route the Red River where it does not want to go, Fargo city leaders now see the benefit of profiting $2 billion in expected revenue from “the most kick-ass fun park between Sioux Falls and Winnipeg!”

Winter Storm Xerxes Anger & Danger

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usaApril14PM1Fargo, ND – When friendly folks in Fargo, North Dakota should be hosting garage sales and planting their gardens, Winter Storm Xerxes will be extending winter…with a vengeance.

While Tiger Woods is being assessed penalty strokes down in Georgia, another 10-14 inches of heavy, wet, back-breaking snow is about to be ushered into Fargo/Moorhead with up to 40 mph wind gusts.

Grocery and liquor stores have seen a tremendous spike in business during the calm before the arrival of Super Storm Xerxes.

Near blizzard conditions are expected to reek major havoc on the area from Sunday through Monday, which unfortunately is the last day to get taxes mailed at the Post Office. Olaf Larson at the Post Office said: “This here ain’t a real good deal with Xerxes arriving on Tax Day, for sure, don’t you know.”

City officials had been cautiously optimistic about the 2013 flood situation up until now, but with megastorm Xerxes about to come a-knocking, the upcoming flood fight could be a-rockin’ with a nightmare scenario of historically bad proportions.

Dr. Sumner Watkins with the National Climatological Institute says that: “April 17, 1881 was the previous record for reaching a temperature in the 50s (or greater), but that long-standing record will be shattered this year.” Dr. Watkins thinks it might not be until May when warmer temperatures arrive. “When they do arrive, the chances become increasingly good that Fargo could suddenly reach the 70-80 degree range and melt all the snow within a few days.”

Life jackets and kayaks could soon be in short supply as a late-season MegaBlizzard could morph into The MegaFlood. In the face of difficulty, Martin Luther King, Jr. once said: “We must build dikes of courage to hold back the flood of fear” (and the fear of flood).

Red River Flood Fargo

Red River of Fargo Accused of Being a Complete Dickhead Again.

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Fargo, ND – Just when we thought the Red River of Fargo had grown up and become a more mature adult, we realize we were dead wrong.  Thanks to the recent rain, the Red River is back to being a complete dickhead again.  The National Weather Service reported that by Thursday, the river will rise to minor flood stages and is expected to reach 19 feet by Friday or Saturday morning.

Local residents have started gathering at the shoreline of the river.  It’s being reported that they are calling the river bad names, throwing objects into the river as if to try and hurt it, and others actually jumping into the river and thrashing about as if to try and kill the beast from the inside.

I can only imagine that this would enrage the Red River and mold it into an even bigger dickhead.  The cities of Fargo and Moorhead better get that diversion figured out pretty quick.  The wrath of the dickheaded Red River could come back even bigger then ever before.  Also, someone tell those residents to stop throwing shit into the river.  Good grief.  Rivers can’t feel pain.